Endangered Species

World organizations are trying their best to make us give a shit about things that we don't usually give a shit about. Take, for instance, (insert endangered species here.)

Just The Facts

  1. Because of all of the copious amounts of damage we've done to animal species everywhere, animals now have rights comparable to a holy figure.
  2. If you ever watched that surfer girl in Shark Week that was totally fine with a shark chomping down on her human flesh because she "liked sharks" to begin with and "knew that it had to do what came naturally," you should know by now that we're all going to a WWF-sized hell.
  3. Baby seals are dying and elephants are being killed for their goddamn ivory. Need we say more to convince you to fork over thousands of dollars?

What is this "endangered species" you speak of?

"Endangered species" could best be described as the saber-toothed tiger and the woolly mammoth before the Ice Age ended. Sure, this was a natural occurance that no one could really do anything about except, say, a prehistoric weatherman or a delusional drifter who can see the future. But in our present day and age, we kill animals for the most mundane and pointless reasons: to eat, to protect us against the elements, to find cures for various illnesses, and sometimes just to preserve their corpses and hang them on our wall. Humans are such dicks!

Unfortunately, most humans don't see that what they're doing to survive is totally unethical and makes them a complete jackass when it comes to preserving nature.

Pictured: Jackass. And the probable death of us all.

But, no endangered species campaign is impossible without the cutest little threatened-by-humanity dude in the world: the Giant Panda.

The Giant Panda: WWF Virgin Mascot

You probably know what a giant panda is. It's an adorable black-and-white bear that chills in Asia and eats bamboo like the animal kingdom's Buddhist Fonzie.


However, with a face as adorable and serene and genuinely marketable as a giant panda's, they're inevitably one of the first creatures to receive aid from the WWF. Hell, even their logo has a panda's irresistible mug on it.

The Giant Panda didn't make nearly as good a mascot as the anglerfish did.

But, panda poaching aside, the only real threat to the existence and general thriving of the Giant Panda in both captivity and in the wild is their rate of fertility, causing them to be the equivalent of a nervous Vivid Video reject or a psychologically cockblocked McLovin.

He even looks like a panda!

Unfortunately, breeding specialists, zookeepers, and scientists alike who are faced with these pandas who don't want to hump their cage mates like crazed sex zombies are having a really hard time (pun intended) to convince the pandas that they, kind of, you know, need to give a little something-something in order to save their species. All they get in return are the attitudes and demeanors of a bunch of sad, sexless lumps.

Pictured: Sad, sexless lump.

Despite the team of hump doctors' best efforts, including slipping the males Viagra and allowing the pandas' usual TV time devoted to emotionally watching Desperate Housewives and eating Ben & Jerry's to watching tape after tape of panda porn, pandas simply don't have the energy or desire to get down with that sexy pandette across the way. And, honestly, after being given enough Viagra to play with yourself to your heart's content and as much bamboo as you can stomach, who needs the nagging feeling of a real relationship?

"Look - tits!"

3 Main Causes of Endangerment

1. Habitat Destruction

Humans have been feeling guilty for raping wildlife of its home for a pretty long time now, and how can we not feel guilty? From tearing down trees and killing families of woodlin creatures in the process to a bird that can imitate the sound of a chainsaw as it destroys its shelter, animals have all sorts of depressing ways to put across the angst of having everything they've known being torn down by fleshy creatures and large steel monsters.

Pictured: A giraffe craning its neck hopelessly for a last meal.

2. Introduction of Exotic Species

You know why folks smuggle animals into new countries? It's usually because they're being sold on the black market, of course, but the reason that it's normally outlawed is because there's always the possibility that the animal is going to totally wipe out competing animals for survival. And, even though taking home a live goblin shark to put into the aquatic park near to your house would be commonly known as a nut-burstingly awful idea, there can be subtle consequences to taking even a seemingly harmless little creature and introducing it to the elements of a completey different habitat. Take, for example, the gypsy moth, a moth that was smuggled into North America by a French explorer named Leopold Trouvelot in order to make an ample silk supply for the New World to start to thrive on. These days, gypsy moths are seen more as pests than beneficial critters, because they eat every type of foliage they can get their enormous population on, which causes other species who eat trees and such to starve, and leaves indigenous plant and tree species to get munched on out of existence.

3. Overexploitation

This is the most common cause for endangerment: hunting/poaching. From the free range of whaling done in the 20th century to Japanese dudes who skin virgin pandas to sell on the global black market, we're using up animals like we do condoms; the only difference is that condoms are always being made in factories and sold, and it's not like some panda witch doctor is going to resurrect and thus recycle the pelts of their species.

And then probably ask them to get off their fat undead asses and make some babies.

So, as anyone would do when faced with killing a bunch of defenseless animals to make a buck or three and actually saying "To hell with the whole thing" and going back to law school, people all over pick up their gun and go kill some adorable animals.

"Fuck yeah, beyitch!"