7 Reasons Easy Cheese Is Worse For You Than Cocaine

What seems more natural to you; a product with one ingredient or a product with many ingredients and preservatives served in a pressurized can? You chose the first one right? Good answer. Well, that's Cocaine.

As you can see, Cocaine is clearly greater than Easy Cheese.

Reason #1: Ingredients

Regular cheese has four ingredients and Easy Cheese has nine. Why, might you ask, does Easy Cheese have so many more ingredients. Well the answer is pretty simple. Kraft, the producer of Easy Cheese, presumably wanted a cheese product that could be kept in the same place as the crackers (if you're like most normal humans, this is not the refrigerator). If you follow that link, you'll see that everything in Easy Cheese is there either to fool your brain into thinking you're eating real cheese or to preserve the products that make your brain think your eating cheese. Now, Cocaine on the other hand, has none of these possibly carcinogenic preservatives (lets ignore the fact it's extracted from the cocoa plant using gasoline or other solvents). Cocaine definitely wins this one. Just pure goodness, like puppies.


Reason #2: Ease of Use

Let's face it, snorting something is easier and faster than eating something. Especially when the snorting item in question is comprised of tiny particles. Cocaine: 2. Easy Cheese: 0

Now try doing this with Easy Cheese.

Reason #3: Recreational Purposes

Now, if you can think of a recreational activity that uses Easy Cheese outside the privacy of your home, please mention it. Easy Cheese is nothing close to resembling a recreational product. Don't believe me? Well try inserting it into a sexual propositon.

You: "Hey baby, wanna go back to my place and do some Easy Cheese?"

Attractive woman: "What did you just say"

You: "Easy Cheese. You like it?"

Attractive woman: "Fuck off."

Now replace "Easy Cheese" with "cocaine" and change up the wording a bit. See, doesn't this sound better:

You: "Hey, I'll trade you cocaine for sex"

Attractive woman: "Sure, I'll swap STD's with you."

Barbie: Even she's susceptible to the power of cocaine

Reason #4: Medicinal Use

150 years ago, Cocaine was the miracle drug. It was good for absolutely everything, from toothaches to tiredness. It was even sold over the counter in the U.S. up until 1914. Just imagine if you could go into a drugstore today and say "I'll have a G of coke please", how fucking awesome would that me? Even the esteemed Sigmund Freud prescibed coke to his friends and patients, at least until he had an "Oh man, I fucked up" moment when they started dying.

Now you're probably wondering why you should care about cocaine in medicine 150 years, except it's still in use today. Most commonly, in what is known as a Brompton Cocktail, which is a crazy mix of cocaine, morphine, alcohol, and flavoring. It's a natural anesthesia, so it can relieve suffering in cancer patients. If you don't think it's a good idea to give cancer patients coke and morphine to make them happy, go fuck yourself.

And to turn this back to Easy Cheese, who would possibly relate pressurized-cheese to medicine except a five-year-old playing doctor and Crazy Cat Lady, also playing doctor.

"Rheumatoid arthritis? I prescribe 50 cc's of Easy Cheese, a good nights sle-AHH!!!" Throws cat and runs away.

Reason #5: Effects

Here are the purported effects of cocaine as reported by a posibly reliable site:

  • an increasing sense of energy and alertness
  • an extremely elevated mood
  • a feeling of supremacy

So Ritalin, amphetamines, or hell, even caffeine, aren't cutting it for you? Want to try something that'll give you the same effect as the drugs listed prior in a far more dangerous, glamorous package? Well then, it seems cocaine is for you. Comparing that to Easy Cheese, it's like racing a Ferrari against a Kia. Guess which one the Ferrari is [it's not Easy Cheese].

Suprisingly the Kia won, after the Ferrari driver took huge hit of coke and wrapped his car around a light post.

Reason #6: Instant Fame and Wealth

It is a well known and well documented fact that cocaine users instantly became absurdly wealthy and absurdly famous. Take for example, this picture below:

Did Warren Buffet become one of the world's wealthiest men by creating the Berkshire Hathaway coroporation? NO!! His success is directly attributed to a one-time use of cocaine.

Truth be told, I've run out of even semi-valid reasons why cocaine is better than Easy Cheese. So, these last two will be total bullshit parodying the portrayal of cocaine in movies and television shows.

Reason #7: Invincibility

I'm just going to say it straight up; cocaine gives you superpowers. The power cocaine gives you is like no superpower other drugs give you. It can only be described as the love child of Superman and an M1A1 Abrams Tank.

You might ask why Superman's child is a bitch to humans, but then you would have to ask how Superman mated with a tank, and you do not want to know that.