Polygraph Tests

Have you ever woken up and wondered, "Wow, I love my lover so much I want to see how emotionally committed he is to me by testing his honesty to make sure he's not a cheating asshole"? Well, there is a (horrible) solution-the POLYGRAPH TEST!!!

Fig. 1-Polygraph test, aka

Fig. 1A-Scientology's Polygraph test, aka the E-Meter, which measures your Thetans (whatever the fuck those are. Face it, Scientology's got issues)

Fig. 1B-Polygraph, my personal version. It's by far the most fun, and so much more rewarding for my honesty.

Just The Facts

  1. The Polygraph has been in use for over 70 years as a way of detecting lies based on heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and (I can't make this up) sweaty palms
  2. It looks like an IT guy's kinky tech dream come to life (minus Captain Kirk issuing "orders" and "taking evasive action" with Princess Leia while she "launches a proton torpedo" on his weirdly hairy chest)
  3. Law enforcement (Like the FBI and Police) still uses it to this day as a means of interrogation, and is also used in United States courtrooms to measure questionable testimony

Except......It's Bullshit


All the little mechanical asshole does is measure your emotional state in reaction to your emotions. Say you just had a spectacular piece of matzah,

Much like these pieces-bear with me, people.

and you sat down to a Polygraph. You're strapped up, you've got wires and tubes attached all over your body, and you're about to be asked a few uncomfy questions. You'd be a little nervous, right? After all, this weird electronic doodad has flashing lights and dials and can tell if you're telling the truth! It's worse than Dr. Phil!

Now imagine the interrogator asking you questions about the matzah you just ate ("Did you eat the matzah?"). You're answering honestly, being all Boy Scout-y and such, and you're acing this thing with flying colors! You think, "I'm unstoppable! No way am I gonna fail this!"

Then the Proctor tells you he's gonna ask you a Personal Question.

Ding Ding Ding! What's that? More lights are flashing on the fucking box now! Dials are going crazy! Don't panic, don't panic, you're not lying about anything and you aren't going to lie now. He asks you, "Do you like riding the bus?" Phew! He didn't ask about your sick fascination with 2 Girls 1 Cup! You survived! So you answer honestly.

Then you're told you're lying.


What happened is your sweaty palms just screwed you over! That's right, because you got NERVOUS about the question, the proctor sees that as a lie, or as a sign you're guilty about something! Then, in a nice dashing of bullshit sprinkles on top of the bullshit test ice cream sandwiched between the bullshit bananas known as the Polygraph, the proctor gives you a SECOND interrogation after you're unstrapped, so that you THINK the test is over to find out something to implicate you into being guilty!

So how do I Beat the System?

Simple. You flex your inner asshole.

Not like this, but you get my drift. I hope.

No, seriously. Your sphincter is actually right next to a major nerve and blood vessel which, when flexed, can reduce your heartrate, breathing AND calm you down all in one shot. No wonder being on the can is so much fun!

So, if you do that whenever you feel nervous, you'll fuck up the proctor's reading because you'll still remain in a truthful state of mind according to the Polyshit. I would not recommend sticking stuff up your butt to help stimulate the nerve, though.

Oh, and just so you know, the E-Meter used by Scientology is an EVEN SHITTIER version of the Polygraph. You hold two cans that were previously used by your little siblings to speak to each other across the room when they were formerly attached via string. A small electric current is passed through you and the cans and back to the Meter section, which measures your absorption of dead alien souls known as Thetans. However, as Anonymous proved in this painfully obvious video (www.youtube.com/watch) all it does is measure how hard you hold the cans. That's right-even your backstabbing sweaty palms aren't to blame, your fatty fingers are!

So the next time you suspect your significant other is cheating on you, just get him drunk. Or withhold sex. Or both. It's faster, cheaper and certainly more likely to work. Especially if they try flexing their asses.