The Secret Service

The Secret Service: Charged with preventing counterfeiting activity, stuck babysitting the president and his rotten friends since 1901.

Keeping the peace at the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah. (Photo: Brandon Lowery)

Just The Facts

  1. Agents will come to your house, sleep with your girl, and sacrifice your children to sweet Lady Justice if you are caught counterfeiting money.
  2. Agents don't have to look like Agent Smith. They can wear dinner jackets too! God help the person who gets between an agent and their dinner jacket.
  3. Agents protect the president, vice president, and other VIPs. They might even protect you for a fee to be negotiated later ... Or if given an executive order.

3 Secret Service Codenames You Wish You Had

1. Cowpuncher

Why you want it: Nobody legitimately tips cows. You can kick anyone who says they do in the balls. But. Running up to a cow in the field to sock it in the face? Yeah. I can see you doing that. You shouldn't. That would make you a dick,. but at least you'll have a badass name your bros can call you by, and that's all that matters, right? *Sigh*

Who got it: Air Force One. That's right. They used this name for the plane so no one else could ever have it. What did Ronald Reagan, noted cowboy, get for his codename? Not cowpuncher. Reagan was saddled with "Rawhide".

Was this a gay agent's passive aggressive attempt at tweaking the president over his lack of action against AIDs? You decide.

2. Cobweb

Why you want it: Well. You don't actually want this one, but your friends do. They're running out of ways to remind you of your virginity, and the hipsters took "fanboy" away from them. Cobweb is perfect for their repertoire. Lucky you.

Who got it: The vice president's office. I think their might be something to these agents being passive aggressive. It's well known the vice presidents don't do much, aside from shoot people in the face and ramble incoherently like our former and current ones do.

Don't be surprised if someday CNN charges into the vice president's office and finds a secret service agent with his feet on the desk, drinking scotch, and reading Archie Meets The Punisher.

3. Driller

Why you want it: Really? Do I need to put something here for you guys?

Who Got It: Todd Palin. That's right, the potential PILF's husband. He used to work for big oil while in Alaska and, while his wife didn't coin the phrase, "Drill Baby Drill", it played a big part in ruining any chance John McCain had at being president.

By the way, the American Dental Association sued the McCain presidential campaign over the phrase, saying on their website, "The ADA spoke up when Sen. McCain accused Sen. Obama of not flossing. We're certainly not going to remain silent when is hijacked".

The secret service was dispatched to take care of these unruly dentists and continue the phrase's hijacking.