Michael Bay

Michael Bay is one of the most popular and most despised men in Hollywood.

Just The Facts

  1. American film director known for his big budget action films.
  2. Got his start directing commericals and music videos including The Divinyls "I Touch Myself".
  3. Leonard Nimoy is his cousin.

Cracked on Michael Bay

Michael Bay and Superman have a lot in common-

  • Both are powerful
  • Both are tall
  • Both are often seen near explosions
  • Both were raised by adoptive parents

The primary difference between the two is that Superman is a bad-ass who disguises himself as a douchebag, and Michael Bay is a douchebag who disguises himself as a bad-ass.

Standardized Douchebag Comparison Chart

Michael Bay lives in a world where everything is bigger and more ridiculous than real life. (On Cracked: Breakfast As Directed By Michael Bay). He drives exotic cars, bangs Playboy centerfolds, and hangs out with his friends George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

Michael Bay is tall. Probably taller than you. He makes this very clear on his web page where (prior to his educational accomplishments) he mentions his height. He's 6'3".

Apparently height has something to do with directing capability. USC Film school must have overlooked when they rejected him.

Michael Bay has two English Mastiffs. These aren't normal person dogs. These are obnoxiously gigantic dogs. Perfect for Michael Bay.

He has two of these enormous dogs. One named "Gracie" (after Liv Tyler's Character in Armageddon), and "Bonecrusher" (named after a some giant robot from some stupid giant robot movie).

Michael Bay explains on his web page that since he drives a Ferrari to work everyday the dogs need to be driven to work in their own Escalade.

There is some controversy surrounding the subject of his biological father. The rumor around Hollywood is that his biological father is Director John Frankenheimer. When asked about this claim Frankenheimer denied it and said that he has taken tests that prove they are not related. Frankenheimer also admitted having a one night stand with Bay's biological mother. Michael Bay is pretty quiet about the topic.

The similarities are staggering. They are both film directors. They look a bit like each other. Also Bay, like Frankenheimer, will die without ever be nominated for a Best Director Oscar.

Director Filmography

Michael Bay films have somehow grossed over $2.5 Billion to date. (See Cracked: Zoology Handbook: The 5 Deadliest Movie Directors).

Bad Boys (1995)

The guy from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and the guy from "Martin" do a buddy movie. It's sort of like "Lethal Weapon" meets "48 Hours" without the crazy white guys. Explosions!!!

The Rock (1996)

This is arguably the best Michael Bay movie. However, saying that "The Rock" is arguably the best Michael Bay film is like saying chlamydia is arguably our favorite STD. Kaboom!

Armageddon (1998)

Ben Affleck goes into space to explode an asteroid to the sounds of Aerosmith. Explosion!!

Pearl Harbor (2001)

More God damn Ben Affleck. This time he explodes some Japanese fighter planes. Boom!!!

Bad Boys II (2003)

"Bad Boys II" was the answer to the question that nobody asked. Explosion!

(See Cracked: 7 Movie Deaths That Would Be Awesome To Have On Your Tombstone).

The Island (2005)

That one movie with Ewan McGregor that nobody saw. You know, the one with the explosions.

Transformers (2007)

Megan Fox is super hot. Boom!!!

(See on Cracked: New Transformers Trailer).

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Giant robots and explosions!!!