Vegemite

Vegemite is a dark brown Australian food spread, made from yeast extract. If you've never heard of it, you're probably not from Australia. But if you're Australian and you've never heard of it, you're a fucking disgrace. Vegemite is delicious.

This is a completely unbiased account of Vegemite's history. Honestly.

Fred Walker (the original creator of Vegemite) tells Dean Robbins (the bastard who named iSnack 2.0) what's what.

Just The Facts

  1. Vegemite was first produced in 1922, by Fred Walker. Walker had one daughter, Shelia. More people remember him for the creation of Vegemite, then for the creation of a walking stereotype. Shelia? Christ.
  2. The name 'Vegemite' was drawn out of a hat; everyone's embarassed to admit this, but we still don't know what it means.
  3. Kraft produced the one billionth jar of Vegemite in October, 2009. Suck on that, Marmite.
  4. In 2009, Kraft launched a competition to name it''s new cheesy flavoured Vegemite. The winner was the pathetic 'iSnack 2.0,' and THAT, ladies and gents, is what you get when you let a fucking I.T. nerd name your fucking food!

Alright, please, just tell me: What the fuck is Vegemite?

Never heard of Vegemite? Fear not. This article will tell you everything you need to know (with many references to how good Vegemite is, and also much putting down of the scum of the earth, Dean Robbins.).

Vegemite is a sandwich spread- food. You might be wondering 'What is food?' But if you're wondering that, you're probably also having this read to you by a carer, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are several crayons travelling up towards your colon right now. This stuff is like Marmite, but less shit.
As you can tell from the look of sheer glee on this kid's face, Marmite tastes FUCKING HORRIBLE. Christ, I wouldn't be surprised if the brown substance on that poor child's body is actually excrement, spread inside his mouth to get rid of the taste of Marmite, with something marginally nicer.
The ingredients of our Australian staple food are: Yeast extract, salt, mineral salt, malt extract, natural colour, vegetable extract, thiamine, riboflavin, niacin. If that means nothing to you, then we're together. I just copied and pasted that list.

Now- try some Vegemite. Go on, go and buy some, or if you have some, try it. Chances are, if your Australian, your reaction will be something along the lines of 'This is delicious, and much better than that Marmite crap.' If your British, I can imagine a 'This shit doesn't hold a candle to Marmite. (You're only lying to yourself.) And those from the USA probably won't even try it, because I doubt it's even sold there.

But if you HAVE tried it, and don't like it, well, here's your alternative. Check out some Vegemite recipes, straight from the Vegemite webpage itself (just google it). And if you're still calming your gag reflex from last time, well... Maybe you should stick with peanut butter.

But seriously. Even MARIO likes it. And who doesn't think Mario's awesome?

The iSnack 2.0 Fiasco

Vegemite has a very proud history in Australia. It's an Aussie icon, a true symbol of kangaroos, and the working spirit, and all that shit. There's NOTHING in Australia's long, proud Vegemite history that we're not proud of.
Honestly.

Ok, maybe there's one thing.

Enter Dean fucking Robins. This bastard is single handedly responsible for ruining an Aussie icon.
In mid 2009, Kraft asked the Australian public to name its new Vegemite variant- a mix of Vegemite and cream cheese, bottled in a clear jar that showed a paste similar to that of pureed dog shit. The stuff tasted gross anyway, so releasing it was their first mistake. Their second was naming it.

On the afternoon of the AFL grand-final, Vegemite proudly announced during the telecast that the new Vegemite's name was, you guessed it, 'iSnack 2.0.' This is the kind of announcement that has usually calm father's-of-three throwing things at the television , and killing their family. In short, it sucks.
And who is responsible for this travesty? A 20-something year old I.T. developer from Perth, Western Australia; Dean Robbins. He got the name, by combining the titles 'iPod' and 'Web 2.0.'

Alright, where to begin.

1.The guy is, without a doubt, a fucking wanker.
2.If he wanted to sound 'tech savvy,' he might as well have called the thing 'I CAN HAZ VEGEMITEZ?'
3.Everyone has an iPod now. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING COOL.
4.Kraft are going to have to change the lyrics of the Vegemite song to:

We're happy little iSnack 2.0s
As bright as bright can be.
We all enjoy our iSnack 2.0
For breakfast, lunch, and tea.
Our mother says we're growing
stronger every single week.
Because we love our iSnack 2.0.
We all adore our iSnack 2.0.
It puts a rose in every cheek!

Does that have the same ring to it? I think not.

Let's not let him near animal studies, or science, lest we have new planets popping up, such as 'iEarth 2.0.' The day we make contact, will finally be the day we meet iRace 2.0. Heard about the new type of Kangaroo discovered? Apparently, they ran a competition to name it and the winner was iJump 2.0.

iHate 2.0. (Okay, it was kind of obvious, but hey.)

So, the general feel towards iSnack 2.0 is: