There are animals everyone loves, the kind that kids have stuffed toys of, the kind we all want to have as pets as children. What most of us don’t realize, however, is that these animals can and would totally kick your ass given the opportunity.
Just The Facts
- Most animals hate us.
- If it's cute, it probably wants to kill you.
- Some of the most popular animals in the world are also the most aggressive.
- Kind of like rappers.
People and kids love penguins. How can't you? They look like little James Bonds waddling around ice flows without a care in the world, making occasional forays into the world of surfing or musical theater.
Based on Actual Events
What they should be on, though, is Jerry Springer. You know those kids on those talk shows that are wild, like to have sex, are 12 years old, and want babies? You know the tagline, "My Baby Wants a Baby! Help Me, Maury!"
Well, let's say you're a penguin and you have a baby. But then you realize that the freezing arctic probably isn't the best place to raise a child and it dies. Do you give up and move to somewhere, you know, warmer and have another? Hell, no, that's not the spoiled teenage wild girl way. Instead, penguins go and steal another mother's baby and try to raise it as their own. Then, like all novelties, the thief gets tired of the baby and leaves it to die, presumably to rise again years later and take revenge out on all the other penguins The Crow-style in the form of our next most overrated animal.
Hmm, what could possibly be wrong with an animal called a killer whale? Let me think, could the fact that it's nicknamed a killer whale, have anything to do with the fact that it fucking kills things? Orcas are actually big dolphins, which I'll talk about later, and when they're not jumping through hoops or playfully splashing audiences, they're busy wrecking ships and playing with people's carcasses. Known flatteringly as the wolves of the sea, Orcas travel around in packs, kind of like MS-13, and basically just fuck up anything they see.
Ever read The Last Voyage of the Lucette? Well that's a book that was written based on an event that happened to a family aboard their ship, the Lucette. They ran into a pod of killer whales and was all like "Awwwwee!" Little did they know, killer whales actually look down upon that sissy boy Shamu, and they continually rammed the boat, sinking it and forcing the family to drift around in a life raft for a few months living off of birds and fish eyes.
Who was the genius who first started training these things? How drunk to you have to be to see a giant, swimming beast ravaging seals and tearing apart boats and think to yourself, "Man, I gotta ride that!"?
Okay, Brent, now you're crossing the line. How could you possibly think that those cute, fuzzy little balls of joy are overrated? You want to know why? Because they're fucking little pricks. That's why. Yes, occasionally you'll have hamsters that don't bite, but most of them not only bite, but they hold on and don't let go.
See, hamsters, like me, are beefed up on testosterone. But, unlike me, they're not sweethearts and instead of thanking you when you try to pet the, hamsters will bite your ass (actually, I may do this, too, if you're into that). In fact, they use them in behavioral science laboratories to study aggression. It's a far cry from those cute little cartoon hamsters on CritterTrail boxes.
Want to know how evil hamsters are? If you have a male and female in a cage together, and they get down to it after a wild night of Mike's Hard Lemonade consumption, the female will inevitably have babies. This is great, right? Who doesn't want to be a father? Hell, I've already picked my kids' names based on how well Al Michaels can pronounce them when they're leading an NFL team to the Super Bowl. But hamsters apparently don't like babies. In fact, the only thing they like about their babies is how they taste. Yum. If baby eating doesn't make you evil, then our societal standards are really, really low.
Dolphins are the Jokers of the sea. They're always smiling and playing and seemingly enjoying their lives, when the reality is that they're child-killing sexoholics.
Like people, dolphins like sex. Unlike humans, though, who generally lose their libidos after popping out a kid or two, dolphins don't take that shit. Dolphins don't let soccer practice or PTA meetings get in the way of America's new favorite past time, they just take a lesson from Occam's Razor and send their kids to sleep with the fishes (literally and figuratively) so they have more time to get down. That's nymphomania at its most severe.
Polar Bears have been glorified for decades as these cute, cuddly animals that gallop through the arctic like big puppies and have an unnatural affinity for Coca Cola. They're the poster child for global warming, convincing millions of unsuspecting children that SUVs and Febreeze are evil and are directly contributing to the endangerment of the polar bear. What these kids don't realize is that polar bears are one of the most aggressive animals on the planet, and if you happen to run into one and it comes at you licking its lips, it's not going to lick your face, it's going to rip it off. Yes, polar bears not only like Coke but also enjoy fucking you up. Even in captivity they've been known to kill their owners, who, you know, have raised them since fucking birth. I think we have to ask ourselves: Are these things really worth saving? Yes, they are, in the same sense Hitler is worth saving. Polar Bears are just another example of how beauty gives you a free pass for everything. You can be a total jerk (like in Jumper), but as long as you're cute, everything's forgiven. Then you have crocodiles, which also enjoy your occasional human consumption. But I guarantee you won't see any stuffed crocs at baby showers.