Halloween Costumes You Can't Go Wrong With

The perfect Halloween costume can afford the wearer a night of great candy. And depending on your age and definition of the word, "Candy" can mean anything from Mini-Snickers bars and lollipops to sex with hot college girls.

That's the spirit! Har har har!

Totally worth not getting laid tonight

Just The Facts

  1. There are three types of Halloween costumes for kids: Cute, Movie tie-in and Poor family
  2. There are four types of Halloween costumes for adult males: Something meant to be funny, Something famous, Something offensive and Uncreative shmuck
  3. There's an endless variety of costumes for adult women... provided they've been made to be as whorish as possible

Kool Kiddie Kostumes (How to be unoriginal)

Listen up kids, none of you are old enough to drink and/or drive, so your Halloween hijinx are going to be limited to asking for candy and maybe watching a fireworks display run by the captain of your neighborhood watch. So you'll want to get the most candy to make sure October 31st isn't a total write-off.

You may be tempted to ask your parents to spring for one of those cheap-ass costume-in-a-bag getups you find all year round at Value Village. And sure, your schoolmates will get a real charge out of seeing you dressed as a cotton Iron Man or in a leftover Jack Sparrow costume from two years ago. But keep in mind you're going to be trick r' treating in a neighborhood full of elderly folk and uncool parents; how many of them are going to know what an Optimus Prime is? Let alone knowing that the design you're in is from the movie, and therefore, not to canon?

The name of the game is familiarity. People have a natural hesitancy towards new things and ideas, and if you go up to mean-old Mrs. Larson's house spouting-off nonsense like "It's a me, Mario" you'll be leaving with nothing more than an apple and a dime for your Unicef box. Your best bet is to go as something traditional; like the classic white-sheet ghost, a witch, skeleton or some manner of animal. It's depressing, I know, even a Zombie might be a bit much, but the easier it is for someone to find a matching decoration on their lawn to your costume the better your chances of getting a pack of all-red Jolly Ranchers.

If you go the classic costume route, try to avoid masks. Giant rubber masks get hot and are hard to see out of, and the plastic ones have elastic bands that snap everytime there's a swift wind. Masks also hide your face, and you need to show as much of your ugly mugs as you can; your experssive faces will go a long way at conveying the inocent need for more candy, and the danger that would incur from an unfulfilled trade.

With all these points, it's fair to assume that Vampire would be an ideal costume. And you'd be right. But for the love of Christ kids, go as the Dracula-inspired vampire. You know the one I mean, too, the Bela Lugosi version. If you go to anyone's house and say you're some dipshit Edward from Twilight or True Blood or whatever it's going to get your ass handed to you by someone in their mid-twenties.

And for the love of God, kids, bring rolls of toilet paper and a few cartons of eggs when you go out. The phrase "Trick 'r treat" used to mean something! Don't let the complacency of modern civilization destroy this proud tradition. If homeowners suspect that beneath your vestige of comforting Halloween familiarity there lurks a sinister war child of satanic influence, you're sure to get those king-sized Butterfingers as appeasement.

Costumes for Adult Men (Are you a stud or a dud?)

Costumes for Adult Women (Get ready to slut your stuff)

In Conclusion