How To Create The Consummate Dick Joke.
Dick jokes have pretty much been around since the dawn of time. We can confirm this by assuming that the instant Adam saw his own one-eyed-monster he laughed his ass off. Furthermore, this conclusively proves that if there is a God, he's got himself one hell of a sense of humor. After all, this is the same dude that invented farts and perhaps inadvertently, the fart joke. Probably the greatest aspect of dick jokes is that they don't necessarily have to make sense. Just the mere fact that you're mentioning wieners is enough to get a chuckle from anyone with a sixth-grade maturity level (i.e. Cracked staff).
The worst possible thing to encounter in your endeavors is a dick joke heretic. He/she is the foe of any male college student alive. You know the kind; they're boring, uninterested, and always standing at the ready to get offended. No matter how elaborate the setup or how clever the wordplay; they'll sooner eat their own cheeks than so much as crack a smile for your trouser-snake satire. It's best to not attempt at converting these boner-bashing non-believers and leave them to their eternal damnation of laugh-free toils watching According To Jim and weeping uncontrollably in private.
Pictured: A dick joke NOT being made.
We here at Cracked are firm believers in the dick joke. And we mean really firm. You'd never believe it, but we like to throw in the occasional genital-related quip. So when some people showed subtle signs of not laughing hysterically at them, we understandably grew concerned. You know, we grew like a full 3 more inches concerned. It took us so long and it was such a hard process, as we stroked our head for an answer. Fortunately, we came to a conclusion with a geyser of inspiration. So much inspiration, in fact, we had to clean up afterwards. Thirty-four seconds and eight pumps of hand lotion later, we had erected an answer:
People who don't appreciate dick jokes are commies.
Spot the commie yet?
If you consider it for a while, it almost makes too much sense. The only thing more American than a big one just flopping around are the gags that are made because of it. And as we all know, American women love making gag after gag about dicks. They bob their heads back in forth in agreement to more penis puns than you can shake a stick at -- a big, sopping wet stick that's been lubricated by their saliva. So it's no wonder that a good yogurt-cannon zinger is a patriotic mainstay. Hell, here at Cracked, they're practically a currency. Well, they can at least get you a job. On the other hand, since it's a universal fact that commies hate fun, they're infallibly simple to spot. While they're not busy being classless and saying stupid words like Bolshevik and bourgeois, they're the erectile dysfunction of modern sociological excitement. They're not totally beyond hope, however. It's nothing that a repeat viewing of Animal House can't fix, or a meet-and-greet with Cracked staff. If that doesn't do the trick, perhaps it's time to consider euthanasia and get your pet communist put down humanely. (After all, commies aren't people and can therefore be adopted as pets.)
Allow me to consummate the phallic pun for thee.
To the naked eye, phallic wordplay (and mouth-play) could be considered juvenile and immature. And while we totally agree with that sentiment, there are some famous folks out there who don't. From critically acclaimed musicians like Chuck Berry, to time-honored poets like William Shakespeare, the dong has been getting its due mention for centuries. "My Ding-A-Ling-A-Ling" and "Much Ado About Nothing" are just a couple of the -- uh -- literary works that all but shove it down your throat. But don't worry; we won't tell anybody that you like getting it shoved down your throat.
Correction: Yes we will.