Freestyle Motocross

Freestyle motocross is not the same as motocross or bicycle motocross, contrary to what that jackass who wrote the motocross topic page believes (which was essentially: dar, barspins on dirtbike 1080 woo!).

Yeah, he's doing that on purpose, and no, he isn't going to crash.

Ninjas on motorcycles?  Well, the guy on the left has 5 black belts, so yeah, fucking NINJAS ON MOTORCYCLES.

Just The Facts

  1. FMX is a young sport, 2 decades old at most
  2. For its age, it's pretty damned evolved
  3. FMX is international and competitive-there's a different top dog every year

The History of FMX

FMX was started by motocross racers who thought that just racing dirtbikes wasn't dangerous or crazy or entertaining enough. Notable fmx O.G.s are Brian Deegan, a metal-punk who launched his bike off a jump without himself on it after winning his first pro race and was disciplined by the "conformos," you know, those old-fashioned, unimaginative people who like jumping around a dirt track with 35 other people trying to take them out.

Because motocross racing is too "square"... if you're half cyborg, half demon, like Deegan.

Deegan then said "Screw you guys, I'ma-goin home," before going on to start a group of some of the best and outrageous freestylers called the Metal Mulisha, who often get in trouble during FMX tours in Australia for being too crazy. That's right- too crazy for a nation founded by criminals. To be in the Mulisha, there are several requirements: A) be a badass. B) have badass tattoos to show how badass you are. C) be even more badass on a dirtbike.

And look like a biker gang that kicks ass in the Thunderdome.

Oh yeah, he also did the first 360 on a dirtbike, then later crashed while trying it on a 90 foot Ice To Ice Gap, which really sounds like something out of a bad video game, but here's the evidence:

Deegan almost died right then and there, breaking his femur and losing a ton of blood in hypothermic conditions. Then, a year or two later, he was doing a demo for Bam Margera and crew and was the only one ballsy enough to flip in high winds. He crashed, exploded his liver and spleen, and nearly died again. Does he still ride? Fuck yes.

Then there's Mike Metzger, who invented a ton of tricks and rode desert terrain like skaters ride skate parks, and who even lost a testacle to a dirt bike crash: www.ride-ny.com/forum/showthread.php

Another O.G., and the most well-known dirtbike rider on the planet: Travis Pastrana. At age 14 he was jumping over 200 feet on his dirtbike. At age 15, he won his first Gold medal at X games. Then he won some outdoor racing championships, because, you know, defying death is like anything; variety is the spice that keeps it fresh. With an attention span comparable to that of a gnat, Pastrana has since won several Rally Car racing championships,

He's the guy on the bike, but he could do that car shit too, of course.

He also jumped out of a plane without a parachute(!)

...And Landed the first double backflip on a dirbike (physicists used to say that one flip was impossible-seriously, physicists).

Pastrana has continued to do so much crazy shit that MTV gave him two tv shows to broadcast it to the masses, because all of his insanity crammed into just one TV show would likely cause widespread head explosion among elderly audiences. TP also holds a contract with Red Bull that pretty much says "Do whatever the hell you want, film it, and we'll keep you rich."

Some of the Nastier Tricks

These are the tricks that you don't want to fuck up.

The Kiss of Death

Electric Death

Backflip Kiss of Death (noticing a theme here?)

Rock Solid

The Dead Body

The Whip:

Freeriders

These are the guys who make most other men look like whiny vaginas. Their idea of a good time? Go out into the middle of the Big Fuckin' Empty (hours away from any sort of medical help), do 100 ft. + jumps for 8 hrs. straight, build a huge fire, get wasted as hell, fire off giant arsenals of illegal fireworks (at each other, of course), then shred some Iron Maiden or Metallica on their electric guitars. Seriously, that's their job description.

Since this picture was taken in Caineville, Utah, the state has actually become 50% less mormon.

When was the last time you were 30 feet above the ground, hanging onto a 220 pound chunk of hot metal while kicking your heels up as if to say "booooring?"

Yeah, you get the idea.

Why it Makes Your Favorite Sports Team Look Like Pussies:

Uh, did you not see those pictures up there?

FMX has literally killed before. A Metal Mulisha rider named Jeremy lusk who was extremely talented, hard-working, well-liked FMX rider who won two gold medals at X Games in 2008, along with FMXer of the year in 2008, died in early 2009 while attempting a trick he'd all but patented. Others have been paralyzed, and every pro has a laundry list of broken bones and injuries.

It's a rough, brutal sport, but the riders-even Lusk's fellow Mulishamen and close friends-still ride.

Why?

Because after you jump 150 feet, let go of your bike and float like a bird before grabbing back on and landing, sitting in a cubicle doesn't sound too appealing.

Speaking of which, get back to work, you slacker, or quit your job and buy a dirt bike and a damn good health insurance policy. But even if you do, don't expect to be this good anytime soon, because most of these guys started riding between ages 3 and 8. Not only riding, but winning amateur national championships and jumping gaps that would make you vomit up your testicles in fear.

He's 8 years old yet still has bigger balls than you. Go play some WoW and boost your ego by totally pwning n00Bserz lol!!

As for motocross racing... we'll leave it at the scrub

Well, some guy who's probably never even touched a dirtbike (I like to imagine out of fear, not for lack of opportunity) wrote the section on motocross, so I'll leave you with this image of one of the best racers of all time, inventing a new way of jumping both lower, faster, and sideways-er (and metal-er).

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Bubba Scrub, and only Bubba can do it justice.

Lower, Faster, and...

MORE METAL THAN OTHER JUMPING TECHNIQUES!

Oh yeah, and racers throw some decent whips, too, when they're not going 45 mph through Volkswagen Bug sized whoop sections inches away from their competitors:

Often with one leg, you know, because its more dangerous.

Now, faithful motoheads (you should be if you read this whole damn thing; the evidence that FMX is metal-badass-he-man-immortal-CGI-ish to witness is too persuasive to dismiss), go tell the guy who wrote the "Motocross" topic page to kindly step down, step away, don't step forward, step back, GRRR I'm mad, and let me write THAT page too. If Cracked isn't a commie dictatorship (and I'm pretty sure it is) then justice will prevail. Otherwise I'll have to resort to crack cocaine, a high powered sniper rifle, and a random guess as to who the author of the "Motocross" topic page is, and nobody wants to see that, do you?

I may even allow my cat to do the job for me, if I can get it to smoke enough crack.