The Rating Scale

Throughout the history of scoping chicks, men have struggled to explain exactly HOW hot (or ugly, in unfortunate alcohol-induced incidents) a specific female was. For some reason, numbers seemed like a great idea, despite how much they suck.

My calculations indicate that you are incredibly disinterested.

Just The Facts

  1. It is your moral imperative to share rankings of chicks with fellow boob enthusiasts.
  2. Women always want to know what their ranking is.
  3. Women should never find out what their ranking is.

Science and Crap.

The rating scale for casual encounters is a relatively simple thing. As has been the case since the beginning of time, the possible options for attractiveness range from 1 (the absolute lowest) to 10 (the absolute highest) - Spinal Tap was unavailable to comment on the lack of higher digits. The distribution of these is assumed to arrange itself as a normal bell curve among the general population of women.

Since you probably didn't understand that boring, distinctly boobless description, it looks something like this:

Many thanks to your mom for lending a helping hand last night.

As we can clearly see, most chicks are either a 5 or a 6. This is AVERAGE, so that makes sense. You can ignore the numbers if you want, but for those of you who want to make your friends feel sorry for you and enjoy scaring off women with big numbers, this means that approximately 68% of women are either a 5 or a 6. Odds are, you'll probably have to settle for one of them, but that's why porn exists.

Progressing a step in either direction expands the range to include 95% of the global female population - approximately 13.5% of women in existence are 4 and another 13.5% are 7. The upper range here is probably approaching the point where you will want to conceal that erection you're growing, but if you don't care, hey, who's going to stop you?

Continuing along the chart, the numbers clearly reach more difficult areas - only 2.14% of women are an 8, and 2.14% of women are a 3. It's tempting to feel sorry for the lower range here, but if you start feeling bad, just remember that they can always turn out the lights when they want to score.

Beyond this point, the statistics are highly improbably to occur in everyday interactions. Women that are either a 1, 2, 9 or 10 comprise only 2% of the total female population - due to the normal distribution and the even spread, it is therefore likely that fewer than 0.5% of women in existence are capable of obtaining the status of a perfect 10 in everyday interactions. This means that all the frat boys and gym rats who keep bragging about how they totally nailed a 10 at the party last weekend are lying, but you didn't really need numbers to prove that, did you?

Picking the Numbers.

Knowing what those fancy little non-letter symbols up there are is nice, but it's pretty useless if you're bragging about a chick if you can't even say what the number means. In order to do this, you will need to spend some time scoping chicks, in order to get a good idea of the "average" babe in your area. To do this appropriately, you will need some gear, including (but not limited to):

  • Binoculars
  • Darkly tinted windows
  • Reflective sunglasses
  • A good camera (for studying results later)
  • Something to conceal your face

Two men surveying women approximately 1000 yards from their location.

These two men have picked a perfect combination of gear, distance, and avoidance of local peeping tom laws.

When deciding on a location to begin calculating, it is best to AVOID the following areas

  • Wal-Mart, K-Mart, or other similar stores - the bottom of the barrel
  • Hollywood - too much competition for good spots with paparazzi
  • The Ghetto - pimps don't like you checking the merch
  • Bars - low lighting and alcohol make everyone attractive
  • Nursing homes - too much mileage on the local residents
  • Fast-food restaurants - self-explanatory
  • Day-care centers - just... no.

In order to REALLY get a good result, you'll probably want to watch women in your local area for a few weeks - long enough to see everything, but not so long that the cops start getting worried and come to your house with handcuffs and a search warrant. Once you're comfortable with your data, you'll have a great idea on the local scores, and you and your friends can comfortably and easily describe any woman you come across in any situation. Congrats!

When Numbers Change.

Oshi- you forgot, sometimes WOMEN LOOK DIFFERENT.

The ability of women to alter their appearance to artificially inflate their numbers is an evolutionary advantage that came about before the invention of electricity and paper bags (society's modern-day equalizers for ugly chicks). Despite the fact that ugly chicks really won't ever get hot enough to bang unless you're drunk, and hot chicks will always be hot and therefore never sleep with you unless they're drunk, it is still important to be able to give an accurate reading independent of the environment. Some common modifiers are as follows:

  • When in formal situations, women tend to increase their ranking by 1 point by concealing all of their flaws with makeup and uncomfortable clothing.

Ye Olde Ranking Inflation

Ye Olde Ranking Inflation

  • When participating in a wedding as a bridesmaid, women tend to increase their ranking by a maximum of 1.5 points*.
  • When participating in a wedding as the bride, women tend to increase their ranking by 2 points. Brides increase more than bridesmaids because women are petty and cruel, and refuse to let people who are not the center of attention be prettier than they are.

Pictured: Inflated ratings, spite.

These women all hate each other.

  • When participating in intense physical activity, women tend to progress towards the nearest "end" of the bell curve by no more than 1 point. (For example, a 3 would progress towards a 2, but a 7 would progress towards an 8). This scales with proximity to the end - for example, a 3 would move further towards a 2 than a 5 would move towards a 4. This is because ugly chicks just get ugly faster, and hot chicks are already so attractive that when they start getting that sheen of sweat, it is just like the oil that they use in porn and that's just bonerrific.

You do NOT want to see her sweat.

You do NOT want to see her sweat.

  • When in clothing that is not modest (including but not limited to swimwear, undergarments, towels, etc), women tend to progress towards the nearest "end" of the bell curve by no more than 2 points. This is for the same reasons as above - ugly gets uglier, and porn.

A pair of scissors could make this chick hotter with one snip of a button.

A popped button would increase this ranking drastically.