Kim Jong-il

Kim Jong-Il is the bat-shit crazy leader of North Korea. Apparently adored by his subjects ("or else", we assume), he is widely criticized throughout the Northern Hemisphere.

What Kim Jong-il got wrong.

What Kim Jong-il got oh so very right!

Now, there's a Kim that can il my jong!

Just The Facts

  1. Kim Jong-il is the paramount leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (aka North Korea or Scary Korea).
  2. Officially, North Koreans call him "Beloved Leader". Comedienne Kathleen Madigan called him "the Amy Winehouse of dictators".
  3. Looks like the world's least cuddly Troll Doll.
  4. Might actually be dead as of press time.

A brief history of North Korea

Shortly after the dissolution of Korea's Josun Dynasty, which ruled the "three kingdoms" of Korea for 505 years, Japan was inspired by the faltering British Empire to start taking shit over. The Japanese started (and ended) with Korea, a nation they had frequently been at war with pretty much forever. After muscling the unsteady post-Josun government into uneven treaties which made the Japanese de facto leaders, the powers that be in Tokyo said "fuck it, let's cut the Latin and just invade." They did so and proceeded to destroy pretty much every trace of Korea's culture they could find. The occupation lasted 35 years, ending around about the same time America installed two temporary mushroom clouds on Japanese soil. (We're sure that was a coincidence, but thought it was worth noting.) This period is known as The Japanese Colonial Period, the Forced Occupation, or "that one time when there were all those tentacles".
After WWII, America and the USSR figured the Koreans were just a bunch of squinty, back-water yokels who had no idea how to run their own country. So, the two round-eyed powers divvied the newly "liberated" nation into two "trusteeships" at the 38th parallel like they were sharing a big ol' donut with hypocrisy filling. Whilst establishing the new government for the Koreans, the US and USSR backed different would-be leaders then said "our work here is done, you guys figure it out". Which turned out to be a mistake.
A mistake the USA never made again...
A mistake the USA never made again...
Unfortunately, both trustee governments thought they were in charge of the whole country, starting a civil war which, technically, isn't over yet. On the other hand, we did get M.A.S.H. out of it. So, you know: American Foreign Policy - 1, Tragic Violent Conflict - 0.
The Korean Civil War effectively ended with a ceasefire in 1953. In the last decade, leaders in South Korea (aka Good Korea) have been pushing for a reconciliation, but little actual head-way has been made. The blame for this is heaped solely on the wee shoulders of Kim Jong-Il.

Cracked on Kim Jong-Il

Jong-Il is the son of the guy Stalin wanted in charge of Korea, Kim Il-Sung. Despite being dead, Kim Il-Sung is still the Eternal President of the communist Democratic People's Republic of Korea (because, hey, why pick one style of government?). Since President "first anger" ("Il" = one, first; "Sung" = anger, indignation; trust us, South Koreans think that's hilarious) doesn't get around much these days, his power got divided between three people: 1) Kim Yong-Il, the head of bureaucracy... we mean, the government, 2) Kim Yong-Nam, head of the parliament representing the people's interests (read: "does jack shit"); and 3) Kim Jong-Il, head of the military.
So, while technically not the #1 head honcho in the nation, Kim Jong-Il is the guy with all the guns. If we've learned nothing from American foreign policy in the twentieth century, it's that having a bigger military means you get to make decisions for countries you aren't even a citizen of.
Defectors from North Korea have made numerous claims about KJI's tyranny and delusion, reporting that he has reached almost Stalin-like levels of paranoia about his subordinates and demands absolute, unquestioning loyalty and obedience. While some say this last charge is the sign of his corruption, fans of Lost argue that Korean boss-types are just like that (a view also widely held by American English teachers in Korean schools).
On the other hand, KJI isn't just some maniac who only thinks about power. He's actually a serious film buff. Reports say that he has a film collection about 15,000+ titles strong. His favorites include Rambo and James Bond films (he reportedly has released the first twenty minutes of Die Another Day throughout the country as an educational short film). In fact, so intense is his love of film that he actually kidnapped a South Korean filmmaker (and his wife) in the 70s to help get a North Korean film industry up and running by producing 20 films in two years.
KJI is also an accomplished athlete, according to official government sources. They report that the first time the Dear Leader picked up the clubs, he scored several hole-in-ones and that a normal round for him includes three or four aces and an average score of 38 under par. Of course, KJI's accomplishments aren't all fun and assassinations, Fox News reported that the Dear Leader called himself an "internet expert". No further information is known on the subject as everyone is too busy deciding which source is less reliable.

South Koreans on Kim Jong-Il

The following are actual excerpts from essays written by Korean coeds on Kim Jong-Il. While no actual photos of the authors are available, we assume that the pictures provided are accurate.

Na-Hye writes:

"North Korean think that Kim Jung-il is very important to them. Some day, North Korean girls came to South Korea. The day was rainy day. So the picture of Kim Jung-il got wet in the rain. At that time, the North Korean girls was crying. Because the picture of Kim Jung-il got wet in the rain. ... I think that Kim Jung-il gave the girls brainwashing.

Min-A writes:

Kim Jong Il is dictator. I hate Kim Jong Il. Because he communism. He harss people and world about do not know with communication. He must have change politics. ... And he want to don't effort taking something. Forexample North Korea news announcer says foodstuffs not support. Support is also limited to. He politics must have open.

Kyung-ree writes:

He's family three wives and two daughters and three sons. however, I'm not sure. ... However Currently he is very sick. The news reported his health. Personally, I think Kim Jong il is the most spiteful person in the world. Untill he dies north korea will never change like people gets enough food for everyone.