Elder Scrolls IV, Oblivion

One of the biggest RPGs of the last decade gets the Cracked treatment.

I'm flattered

Just The Facts

  1. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is a role-playing game for the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3
  2. In theory, you can do anything you want: Save the world from demons, become an assassin, raid caves and dungeons in search of treasure, etc.
  3. In reality, you'll escape from prison and spend the next 40 hours doing various odd jobs for lazy assholes
  4. There are a total of six voice actors in the game for several hundred characters
  5. No, seriously
  6. It starts off with a dark-skinned man verbally abusing you in a prison and the reigning monarch telling you that he's seen you in his dreams
  7. No, seriously


Upon exiting the prison, you are given a chance to change your character. This may be advisable if you named them "Dickballs McScrotum" and put all of their skill points into Mercantile. You're basically given free reign from that point on. You can now do the main questline that involves waging a war against the forces of Oblivion, killing demons as you go and eventually helping your best friend-cum-Dragon Spirit kill Mehrunes Dagon, the God of Destruction. Pfft, yeah. If you're a square. Why not spend your time doing exciting shit like delivering wine to a barmaid or getting corrupt public officials removed from their posts?


Basically, the main plot boils down to this: There's a Daedric Prince called Mehrunes Dagon who wants to invade the world of Tamriel using these huge, flaming vagina portals called Oblivion Gates. You need to stop him with the use of that neat little amulet Patrick Stewart Uriel Septim VII gave you before he died. Namely, give it to his illegitimate son Martin and he'll relight the Dragonfires and seal off the world of Oblivion forever. First of all, you need to talk to a retired warrior-priest named Jauffre and show him the amulet. He tells you to fetch Martin from the city Kvatch and bring him to Jauffre's little church, where he will be crowned Emperor. But...what's this? Uh-oh. There's a flamy vagina portal right outside the city gates. The local commander basically tells you "fuck off, guy", but you'll have none of it. You succeed where a company of trained soldiers failed and close the vagina portal. Then you go and rescue Martin, bring him back to the church, kill another horde of heavily-armed demons and go to Cloud Ruler Temple.

You then do some other boring stuff like retrieve a cursed book from a batshit insane cult, enter a pseudo-heaven and kill some asshole who stole the amulet, defend the city of Burma from a Deadric Doomsday Device (in what is also a DDD - Devilishly Devious Dickmove), and victorious, you go back to the Imperial City for Martin's coronation and holy shit there is a daedric prince right there crushing buildings and killing legions of soldiers with each swing of his axe. Seeing that shit has just got real, Martin puts on his shades, mutters "Looks like it's time to take it to the next level." and kills Mehrunes Dagon with a single well-aimed sword strike to the 'nads [citation needed], losing his life in the process.

Bane of the Demon 'Nads


So, with the impending apocalypse averted, I think I'll take a stroll around my local Weapons shop. Nice stuff; swords, axes, the whole shebang. Oh! That sword looks real nice. Oops, I accidentally brushed against it. I'll just put it back and...

Stop Right There, Criminal Scum!

What the fuck? Oh God...oh shit! Shit! It's them!

Their name is Legion, for they are many.

The Imperial Legion is the only police force in the history of reality or fiction to use brutality as their primary method of solving crimes. Get caught trying to kill the leader of the Elder Council? Swords up the ass. Get caught stealing a worthless piece of cloth? Swords up the ass. Pick a lock on a cabin 20 miles away from civilisation? We think you can guess what'll happen, but here's a hint: it has something to do with their swords and your ass (That totally came out wrong).

Sure, when they rush at you with that terrifying, laws of physics defying sprint, they'll yell "pay the fine, or it's off to jail!". There are three options, you can pay the fine if you have adequate funds, go to jail and risk losing some skill points, or resist arrest and hope it all blows over. There doesn't seem to be a 'urinate uncontrollably and beg for mercy' option, but there's probably a mod for that somewhere.

You know the worst part? When you pay the fine, the guardsman will say "That's too bad. I was hoping you'd resist arrest."

Just let that sink in for a moment.

They want to kill you. They want you to give them a reason. You think they give a shit? Well you're wrong. They're giving a lot of things (swords, for instance) but not a shit. They are on a crusade to eradicate anything even slightly resembling crime. They don't care if you did anything worthy of being messily executed or not. They just don't care. They just want you to fear them. They are a hive-mind that can instantly detect any crime occurring in the province of Cyrodiil before you can even shit your pants in fear.

A couple of days ago, my friend Doug came by my house to say hi. He left his car keys on my desk, near my mouse. As I reached for the mouse, my hand brushed against his keys. We both looked at each other in terror, and gulped. We knew what was coming. We started to tip-toe towards the cellar. We might be safe there. But then we heard that dreadful, otherworldly noise - the door opening with an unusual creak. We both bolted for the cellar door. He reached it first, but when the treacherous snake got inside, he closed the door and held it shut. "That swine! When I get out of this mess, I'll show him what for!" is what I would liked to have said. What I really said was more like "Ohmyfuckinggodguyletmeinpleaseimshittingmyselfhereohpleasewhywontyouletmein".

But then I heard it.

The heavy footfalls of iron boots drawing nearer and nearer. Then he spoke the words that signaled the death of all who heard them.

Stop Right There, Criminal Scum!

I started to cry, pleaded with the cold, unfeeling, armor-clad harbinger of doom to show some mercy. But I knew he would show me none. So, I reached for my pocket knife, said a quick prayer to Akatosh, and lunged at the Legionnaire. He stabbed me several times in the anus, as is their custom, but I managed to slit his throat eventually. Covered in blood, I made for the cellar to wreak my horrible vengeance, but I found that Doug had already eaten his way through the floor, and presumably, to freedom.

I escaped, and am now living in a one-room house in Western Cambodia. They'll never find me here. Never. But I still bear the scars of that horrible battle to this day. And I have one person to thank for it.

Fuck you, Doug.

Fuck you forever.

Miscellaneous Fucktardary

Christ, it's hard to get an internet connection in Cambodia.

Anyway, see this guy?

That's a Highwayman.

They are Khajiit douchebags who stop you on your travels and demand 100 gold, or they will attack. Fair enough, if they're wearing Fur or Leather armor, then they're probably in dire need of 100 gold, and when you're a low level, getting your hands on 100 gold is pretty much only possible by selling your left testicle to a hobo.

But this is where Bethesda fucked up: Oblivion uses a system where when you level up, your enemies level up with you and get better equipment. That fucker in the picture has a Glass Cuirass worth about 1500 gold. Why doesn't he just sell it instead of robbing someone who could kill him with a nasty glare?

And once you hit level 5? 100 gold is pocket change. You've practically got septims coming out of your asshole once you reach level 10. Once you're that far, you just give them the money to get the fuck out of your face. 100 gold? Hah! See this little knife right here? This knife I'm holding? It's worth fifteen times that. Hey, and now I'm stabbing you with the knife! And now I'm stealing your shit and selling it for like, a bajillion gold!

For all their stealthy, lock-picking prowess, Khajiits are not very good at basic capitalism.

Oh, and then there's this guy:

Have you ever seen such a naturally punchable face?

Anyway, he's called the Adoring Fan. After you win all the matches in the Arena and become the Grand Champion, he will happily run up to you and declare "By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the Grand Champion! I can't believe it's you standing here, next to me!" You may be overcome by an inexplicable urge to eviscerate him, but I assure you, it's perfectly natural. You can either tell him to fuck off, to follow you, or to wait where he is. Whatever you tell him to do, he will carry it out with a very, very annoying piece of accompanying dialogue.

The Strategy Guide notes, "The Adoring Fan is not entirely useless". While the validiity of that statement can be called into question, there are a number of things you can make him do for shits and giggles. He runs away from fights, so you can tell if enemies are nearby, he'll carry a torch at night so you don't have to, and If you get attacked by bandits, they will often go for him instead of you, proving that even NPCs with no self-awareness whatsoever still think he's a knob-goblin.

Pictured: A non-knob goblin.

In what may be considered concrete evidence that God Talos is indeed a dick, the Adoring Fan cannot be killed, and will always respawn at the Arena if you kill him because he's the most annoying thing ever conceived by a human being he should die.