Orly Taitz

Orly Taitz is the head of the "birthers" - meaning she is hell bent on proving that President Obama is not a natural born citizen of the United States. Since she herself is actually from Moldova, she probably does not know the definition of "irony".

Margin of error is roughly +/- infinity

Should be on Orly's business card

Just The Facts

  1. Born in Soviet-controlled Moldova in 1962.
  2. Claims the document Obama has released proving his citizenship, a Hawaiian Certification of Live Birth, is not sufficient evidence and is a forgery, despite independent certification that the document is legitimate.
  3. Is a lawyer, dentist, real estate agent and claims to be a second-degree blackbelt in Taekwondo.

What is a birther?

Birthers are humans born with an intense desire to complain. Frustratingly for them, birthers have nothing happening in their lives to complain about. So, much like the Warren Commission, they make stuff up. Birthers will use sheer volume to compensate for their lack of knowledge. The graph below demonstrates:

Orly and her band of birthers are so far off into their own reality, that they were referred to as a bunch of "cranks" by Ann Coulter. It is very important to re-read the previous sentence and understand that even the queen bee of insanity thinks the birthers are crazy.

Orly likes to talk about all the evidence she has that the president is not a natural born citizen. Once the evidence she brings forward is given to independent experts and certified as complete horseshit, she just puts on her tin foil hat and begins a new trail of insanity.

For some real entertainment, birthers often use Orly's blog as a depository for their ongoing bukkake of bullshit and lies. Here is a recent excerpt taken from an actual comment left on her blog:

"September 22, 2009 at 12:08 am
There were rumors and rumblings last night OBAMA had been given until noon
today to resign, then WE heard it was extended till 6p.m. tonight.
WE now hear the Supreme Court and the World Court have today ruled that OBAMA is to be charged with 36 counts of theft, embezzlement, fraud, etc. including TREASON, a Capital Offense. And, that we will return to the Constitution and Article III Courts at midnight tonight. And, that the Corporation is dissolved and no longer exists."

Birthers also enjoy playing the role of the desperate freedom fighters. Once while being interviewed, Orly said she is a lot like Nelson Mandela.

If you look again it's pretty much impossible to distinguish the two. Based on that, here is a rare photo of Orly in action:

...and there is also this one...

Touching.

Keyes v. Obama

In 2004, Barack Obama was picked by the Illinois democrats to run for U.S. Senate. Obama's running opponent was not settled until less than three months from the election. The main problem was that the republican primary winner Jack Ryan, withdrew from the race because he was ankle-deep in a salacious sex scandal (possibly involving horses and dragons actually probably not but still awesome).

A mere 86 days from election day, the republicans chose Alan Keyes to oppose Obama. It is important to note that the republicans first asked Mike Ditka to run (seriously) but he declined.

For those of you unfamiliar with Alan Keyes, he's the guy that would support a schizophrenic walrus for president as long as the walrus was pro-life. In the end Obama crushed with 70% of the vote.

Enter 2009 with Keyes still reeling from the ass-footjob he received five years prior. Motivated by revenge Keyes hired Orly to sue, alleging that Obama is not a natural born citizen.

On October 5, 2009, Taitz took Keyes's case to the federal district court in Santa Ana, CA. In an effort to show how many wannabe-David Koresh's she was facebook friends with, Orly encouraged her followers to call the judge's chambers and tell him about their conspiracy theories. Now, ask any decent lawyer and they'll tell you that telling a large group of people to flood any judge's chambers with phone calls is pretty much committing judicial suicide.

Orly left the hearing and declared a victory for lovers of civil liberty. No one else really said anything because the hearing was just over a minor procedural matter.

Orly's courtroom antics are legendary. Her actions range from spectacularly stupid (flooding judge with calls before hearing, filing motions for an emergency hearing and then not showing up prepared) to conduct that make all lawyers look bad (etc. refusing to step down as counsel for an army reservist). In one notable opinion, a federal judge in Georgia classified Orly as "delusional" and her arrogance towards the court as "breathtaking". Then the judge ran out of adjectives and just smacked her with $20,000 in sanctions for violating the rules of federal procedure. A copy of the sanctions order probably looked like this:

Ok so - Here is the real order from U.S. District Judge Clay Land.
Summary: 14 pages outlining why she's a moron. Totally worth the read.

Taitz & the military

Aside from jealous wackjobs named Alan Keyes, Taitz represents a collection of military officers who are refusing deployment orders from their Commander-and-Chief.

One of Orly's clients is U.S. Army Maj. Stefan Frederick Cook. In July, Cook asked the Army to revoke his deployment orders. His reasoning? He said he was afraid that if he allowed himself to be deployed he "would be acting in violation of international law by engaging in military actions outside the United States under this President's command." That's right folks. Cook's argument is that he didn't want to be deployed because he feared obeying his deployment orders would lable him a war criminal. That seems like a logical fear just like an alligator is a logical babysitter.

The birthers' latest argument

The Constitution requires that a candidate for the office of president of the United States must have been born in the United States. Orly said she had proof that President Obama was born in Kenya. The Kenyan birth certificate was quickly determined to be an epic forgery. The guy who made it even came out and said it was a joke.

Once the Kenyan birth certificate was shown to be a fraud, Orly began to argue that Obama does not have a birth certificate from the state of Hawaii. After some delay, Obama's staff provided an official record showing that the president was born in Hawaii. The document they provided is rock solid - it's a computer-generated official certification of live birth attesting to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama II was born on Aug. 4, 1961, in Honolulu. Orly then went home to eat beef stew out of her cat's anus and to plot her next move.

At this point it was obvious that the wobbly legs of her already asinine argument had been cut off. Nevertheless, Orly set out to prove that she still had a half a tank of crazy left. She began to argue that even though Obama was born in the United States, the constitution requires that both parents of a presidential candidate must have been born in the United States as well. Orly cheered because she had formed a complete sentence.

Unfortunately for Orly, she had forgotten about the third branch of our government (judicial ya'll). The judicial branch is in place for just this reason - Because if Orly (or anyone for that matter) wants her opinion about what the constitution says to be legally binding, she must be a member of the motherfucking supreme court. Remember them Orly? They are a group of nine brilliant legal scholars specifically appointed for the sole purpose of determining how thousands and thousands of intricatly woven fact-patters fit within the language of the constitution and therefore the soul of this country.

Orly is not in this photo. Therefore Orly is not on the supreme court. Therefore Orly's opinion about what the constitution says (or doesn't say) means nothing. She even asked the supreme court to hear her case but they must have gotten word from the other judges because they told her to f'off. The court's unofficial response was that they "don't have time to hear the yammerings of a malcontent nitwit."


The future of the birthers

From a legal standpoint they don't have the footing to challenge the president. The judge in Santa Ana has already bent over backwards to accommodate Orly and her avalanche of pointless, unexecuted filings. It's obvious his patience is wearing thin and even more obvious that Orly is simply using delay tactics to keep her name in the news.

Once Obama is in the middle of his second term and the lawsuits are finally dismissed the birthers will have to find something else to do with their time. Maybe they can determine whether or not Ann Coulter has a bellybutton.