Mother Theresa

To many she’s the ideal human being. Glorified by the church and socially accepted as a symbol of purity, she deserved the title "saint". However, there's a hefty load of evidence that may challenge her title. I'm so going to hell for this.

Just The Facts

  1. Aside from bacon, pot, rigorous intercourse, and Ron Paul, Mother Teresa is one of the most prevalent symbols of hope in our world.
  2. Mother Teresa is internationally known as a selfless nun who has used her power to help the poor, the sick, and the dying in various third world countries.
  3. Mother Teresa is the only thing, besides the anuses of preadolescent boys, that can give a preist a hard-on.

Brief Biography

Mother Teresa was born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu [pronounced: how-da ballz am I su-ppost. to pro-nounce this crap] in Skopje, Macedonia, on August 26, 1910. At age 18 she left Skopje and joined the Sisters of Loreto (a community of nuns). During 1931 to 1948 when Mother Teresa taught at St. Mary's High School in Calcutta, she witnessed a fuckin' wake up call that some people in this world actually have no fuckin' shit jesus like that was a fuckin' mystery what the shit this is mother teresa people in poverty. Touched, she left the convent school to travel to the slums of Calcutta in order to help the inhabitants. She started a school, was joined by more volunteer nuns, and even had news of financial aid. In 1950, Mother Teresa launched her new order, "The Missionaries of Charity". In 1965 Pope Paul VI declared the order as an International Religious Family. This is when shit got real.

Anyway, the order became like a fast food joint and spread various branches all around the world. They help those in need, those who cannot fend for themselves, they seek to make this world a better place; they are, The Justice League! They still pretty much just help the poor and those in need (victims of natural disasters and epidemics, people with AIDS, the homeless, alcoholics, etc.). Mother Teresa herself died in 1997, reaching sainthood after her death. Her order is now 1 million strong.*

*Cracked Challenge: Edit the "Mother Teresa" page on Wikipedia; replace her actual biography with this one. You must pay us $2000 for permission to use this material; otherwise, you will be sued for plagiarism. You must also disclose to us your address and sign a contract allowing us to crash at your house whenever we feel like it. It will be assumed that we can eat all your food, drink your beer, and get shaggy with your female friends.**

**Editor's Note: Please don't

Why We Think She's Awesome (Recommended reading tactic: "I know dis, ima skip it")

We knew she helped the poor and hungry, but sweet zombie jesus- check this out!

- When she traveled in airplanes she collected leftover food from people on the plane, giving it to the poor and hungry!

- How selfless was she, you ask? That outfit of hers only cost a buck. For the price of a >nothing costs a dollar these days...<, you could have been Mother Teresa for Halloween (as well as purchasing yourself a beating from your local religious group, you dirty heretic)!

- Along with her order, the Missionaries of Charity, Mother Teresa collected food for the poor in Calcutta every day!

- Other selfless, charitable, inspiring acts!

MOTHERFUCKING ACCOLADES

- Pope John XXIII Peace Prize in 1971

- Nobel Peace Prize in 1979

- The list goes on, but just know she won a lot of awards. The two listed are the biggest names she was awarded/the only ones you've heard or cared about.

Why She May Be Not?

Her achievements are truly impressive and inspiring. It is certain she's a saint now, right? Well, no. Contrary to popular belief, some have challenged Mother Teresa's sainthood, even daring to call her a "fanatic, a fundamentalist, and a fraud". Wait, why? Unfortunately, there's evidence for justifying this claim.

Mother Teresa was noted for, instead of tending to the poor, posing with powerful figures in photo ops (ex: Princess Diana or the Bush family).

Teresa w/ Diana

One such powerful family included the Duvalier family, a family that used to rule Haiti.

Looks friendly ^_^

Seems like a nice guy =)

They were responsible for stealing money, causing a reign of terror, and murdering thousands.They basically crippled Haiti, so it would really suck if.. you know.. an Earthquake hit it or something.

YOU COCKELFUCK

Mother Teresa accepted money from the Duvalier Family and, in turn, praised their rule.

Teresa with Mrs. Duvalier

Oh, about the money thing, she also accepted over a million dollars from an American named Charles Keating, who's involvement in a famous scandal lost the government billions and many people's life savings. She even sent a letter to the judge in Keating's trial condoning Keating and giving him her blessings; a letter was sent back to her politely asking her to return the money that Keating stole from countless innocent Americans. She never responded.

Wait, What The Hell?

Hold on, Mother Teresa accepted the money from Charles Keaton BEFORE his scandal was discovered. Obviously this was a strategic move by Mother Teresa, accepting this money as a form of charity to give to others. Many of you are probably thinking, "Yea, so she used the money to help the poor!"

Many of her supporters, including the Church, want you to believe that she accepted money from the Duvalier family to help Haiti's poor. But that would be really weird, seeing how she used money stolen from the poor to help them. It's like a man trying to eat his own stomach because he got hungry. Exactly; the analogy, just like what it was being compared to, makes absolutely no sense. If Mother Teresa really accepted the dough to help Haiti's poor, that would be self-destructive and make absolutely no. fucking. sense.

no fucking sense

The thing is, Mother Teresa never used the money to help Haiti. After getting the dough she flew straight back to India.

Wait, but couldn't she still have used the money to help the poor in India?

She could of, but didn't. For one thing, let's take an inside look at one of her homes for the sick and dying. They have no doctors saving lives; they do not even have the simplest of medicine. People just go there to die by the order of Catholic Church. Mother Teresa's order for the residents demanded improper stretch beds, horrid toilets, no visits from family members, and that the residents must lie in their bed consistently. The conditions were unsanitary to the point of abusive. Even the nuns were instructed to do jack shit for the home's suffering inhabitants.

She had the money, yet the homes had terrible conditions! What happened? Of the $50 million she possessed, most of it was spent on spreading new branches of the Missionaries of Charity, religious services, hiring more nuns, and not helping the poor. However, if you try to find some records of this you may find they're quite scarce. The thing is India does not reveal its inhabitant's spendings, and in the outside world, guess who covers Mother Teresa? The Catholic Church.

Well, Shit.

Why did she do this? Why did Mother Teresa, with the opportunity that she had, let these people suffer?

It was widely publicized that Mother Teresa had lost her faith in God. She thought Christ showed through the broken body, from suffering. Therefore, Mother Teresa wanted people to live in poverty, so she could connect with Christ again. It was her means of a road to enlightenment and happiness. However, millions died because of this, and many who were dying became worse.

Still, why hasn't the Catholic Church criticized this? Well, an awful lot of priests raping little boys really harmed the Church's image.

I feel ya, big man

They used Mother Teresa to try and get the Church's reputation back up. By promoting and widely publicizing Mother Teresa as a pure, selfless figure everybody of all religions and ethnicities could look up to, the Church was praised once again.

Verdict: Saint or Not?

The better question is, should she have been made a saint in the first place?

How Mother Teresa Became a Saint:

First of all, she hasn't been dead long enough to be a saint yet. In addition, she had to perform 2 miracles after her death, but the pope changed it to 1.

Soon after Mother Teresa's death, the miracle occurred: An Indian woman claimed that a picture of Mother Teresa relieved her of a cancerous tumor. Completely neglecting the whole "you-have-to-be-dead-for-this-amount-of-time" rule, the pope made Mother Teresa a saint. However, the Indian woman's doctor revealed there was no danger of cancer in the first place, and that the woman was cured by the doctors. Even her husband didn't believe it was a miracle, crediting the doctors as well. Jesus H. Christ.

Conclusion: Not a saint, but not necessarily a bad person

Mother Teresa is literally not a saint. Her glorified image of purity and selflessness may be one of the greatest brainwashing sequences in history. But... this doesn't necessarily mean she was completely evil. She originally intended to help people, and even though that intention turned into a selfish quest for enlightenment, we all do stupid shit when our emotions get the better of us..... right? Please don't kill me, Christians.

So, umm.... Mother Teresa lost her faith, the most dear thing to her. It's like your wife of 20 years dumping you, your penis being deteriorated by necrotizing fasciitis, and your xbox 360 exploding during a 90-kill streak on COD. All at once.

Even though Mother Teresa has inspired many, it is clear that she is not as deserving of the title "saint" as many would have thought and that she's done alot of fucked up shit that got pulled under the rug. But seriously, this kind of brainwashing is just downright inappropriate... as inappropriate as, say, rape?

Yup. Rape. See you guys next time if the Vatican doesn't get me