Bas Rutten

Sebastiaan 'Bas' Rutten is a retired Mixed Martial Artist, kickboxer, triple King of Pancrase (this basically means he can out martial art almost any Asian) and 3x UFC heavyweight champion. He is also the coach of professional badass Kimbo Slice.

'You may be a man, but if i asked for sex would you really have the balls to say no?'

'You may be a man, but if i asked for sex would you really have the balls to say no?'

Just The Facts

  1. Bas Rutten got paid more money than you will ever earn to kick the shit out of people who are so threatening that if they wanted to sleep with your wife, you would have to say 'go right ahead good sir, you will satisfy her more than i ever could.'
  2. Bas popularised the 'liver shot' during his career, thus eradicating the popular misconception at the time that pulpifying other people's livers would never catch on.
  3. Bas has a number of tattoos, designed to help him 'spiritually, sensually and emotionally'. No, the irony is not lost on us either.
  4. Bas has appeared in a number of movies since retirement, such as 'The Eliminator' and 'The Kingdom of Ultimate Power'. Rumour is that they both circulate around his life.
  5. Expect this article to feature multiple uses of the words 'badass', 'kickass' and 'meanass'.

Cracked on young Bas Rutten

Paying perfect tribute to the fact that anybody can achieve what they see in the movies (i could be an Autobot yet), Bas started martial arts after watching 'Enter the Dragon', age 11. He then proceeded to shame any Asian ninja hopefuls (not racist, stereotypical), and earned a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Doe and a mofo' 5th degree one in Karate. This made him kind of like a white Bruce Lee.

Supposedly Bas was bullied at school for a skin condition on his hands. We like to think of his bullies as mincing, manicured thespians, who would consider people such as Bas 'uncouth brigands' and 'rugged holligans', all whilst dancing merrily round the maypole.

Bas later took up Kickboxing and, bypassing the fact he got totally knocked out in his last fight (presumably he was fighting Galactus) won the first 14 by knockout.

He would do the same to you.

How to kick ass

Bas proceded to take part in the Pancrase pro wrestling championship in Japan. Throughout his career he was an unsurpassed kickass machine and won the tournament 3 times, being defeated in only 4 matches. Before you think a true man would never lose, could you kick the sushi out of professional Japanese martial arts specialists? Could you? You, there, with your Mountain Dew and your bag of stale Cheetos? We thought not.

Still think you could take him though? Have a read of this, from an interview with Bas, whilst bearing in mind the guy he was fighting was fully capable of making you look like the smallest, weediest pussy ever to exist:

This guy

'BOOM! I was exhausted, I gave everything I had; I really wanted to destroy him. I broke his cheekbones and broke his nose, just because he said he was going to kill me. Oh, I was so angry at him.'

That's right. He will break your fucking nose. And (we like to think for fun) your cheekbone as well.

Here is that fight, for your viewing *ahem* pleasure.

Zip to about 3.00. The real Bas treatment starts there and never lets up until his poor opponent hits the dirt. To add the cherry to this insatiably violent cake, he also states, 'my knuckles were bruised from punching him so hard'. No, you are not the only one who felt your manhood just shrivel up and cry with inadequacy.

Extended badassery - the UFC

In 1998 Rutten joined the UFC. For those of you who don't know what this is (those without penises and, for those of you who do own one, you disgraces to all things manly), the UFC is a professional martial arts tournament - the premier level of MMA fighting. It's like the wrestling your persuadable 12 year old watches on TV, where angry men pretend to hurt each other. Except it's real. Real real. Real to the point where noses are broken, testicles are turned into semen puree and manhood is splattered like the blood on the floor. It is the most badass sport there is. Yes, even more manly than a WoW competition. Cause that is how real this shit is.

Typically, he won his first fights. However tragedy struck. Doctors claimed that training injuries meant Bas had to retire - things like torn biceps - but we like to think he was told to stop because other contestants complained of shitting their shorts before facing him.

It was here Bas trademarked the 'liver shot', proving there is actually something this organ hates more than alcohol.

Post fighting (yet still lethal)

After his career as a wrestler, Rutten decided to relax for a bit and starred in several minor TV programmes such as Martial Law and King of Queens (nothing to with gays).

He also took part in a motion capture session for the fighting moves of the main character in GTA IV (can't remember his name....). When arriving he asked the producer how violent he should be, to which the answer was 'give it all you got'. After a few sessions, Bas was told 'it's ok, you don't have to go any further.' Get that? He was too violent and kickass for a game who's central themes are violence and kickassery!

Totally Softcore

In a final act of immortal badassery (last time, i swear), Bas returned for one more UFC fight, where, by kicking his oponents legs to shit, won by knockout. Also, his opponent was nicknamed 'Warpath'.

Conclusion

So. Bas Rutten. The baddest man alive? Without doubt.

'Knives just make my job easier...i could kick your ass regardless'

And if you think you have heard of him before, you may remember this video, that had an appearance on this Cracked list not so long ago:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-win-a-bar-fight/

There are many lines here that can be used to sum up Bas Rutten, but i shall go for this timeless classic:

'And you know these people they're talking to you *nonchelant otherworldly talking noises*, something's gonna go wrong and you want to choke the guy out.'

So there we have it. Always assume those you talk to wish to hurt you, choke them out and you shall succeed in all you do....hell, try it on your boss for God's sake!