Guns. And lots of them. Oh and a really annoying robot. But mostly guns.

So that's what comes out.  No wonder headshots are so popular.

Just The Facts

  1. Borderlands is a Role-Playing Shooter developed by Gearbox software.
  2. There are a lot of guns in this game. Like a whole lot.
  3. Seriously...Lots of guns.

The Characters

When you arrive on Pandora, you have a choice of four characters to play as, each equally badass in his or her own way. Here's a Cracked rundown:



Brick is your Berserker, and he specializes in punching shit. He loves punching shit so much that his special skill allows him to becomes temporarily invincible and punch shit EVEN FASTER. Man this guy loves punching shit. However, there comes a time in this game when punching your enemies probably isn't the best option. Not to worry. Brick is also pretty handy with rocket launchers and grenades.


Roland is the Soldier, and the most well rounded character, especially if you're playing solo. If you enjoy putting holes in things (and let's be honest, who doesn't), then this is the dude for you. Roland specializes in combat rifles and shotguns, making him a mid-range combat specialist. He also has a Scorpio machine gun turret that he can deploy - just in case those skags and midgets you shot weren't bleeding out fast enough.


Lilith is a Siren. No really, that's her class name. We realize it's a very applicable name too, because this foxy chick can draw you in and kill you. Easily. And she's fucking hot. She specializes in elemental attacks, and her Phasewalk ability allows her to turn temporarily invisible - perfect for sneaking up and burning a hole through some poor bastard's head. Also, she's really fucking hot. We wouldn't advise a relationship with her though...for obvious reasons.


Modecai is your Hunter, and is another good solo player. Unlike Roland, who likes putting a lot of holes in shit, Modercai is a master of snipers and revolvers, meaning he only puts one hole in said shit, but that hole usually kills it (figuratively - we're pretty sure shit can't be killed). He also has a pet mutant hawk named Bloodwing that likes the tangy taste of bandit flesh, just in case you find yourself in need of help.


There are a lot of guns in this game. No, let us clarify. There's about a cubic FUCKTON of guns in this game. But just in case you aren't familiar with the New Jersian System of Weights and Measures, we have another conventional way of letting you know that this is just basically a video game wherin you spend half of your time simply choosing the weapons to use. Gearbox stated that, as of release, there were over 17,750,000 weapons to choose from on Pandora. Like...fuck. Cause there are...fuck. So...yeah, we can't even begin to tell you how to go about choosing your weapons. Even if you stick to the types that your character specializes in, you have over a million to choose from. Let's put that in perspective. That's over 40,000 times the choices you have in Halo 3. We'd do more math, but we think you get the idea. If your character farts in this game, they'll have bullets flying out of their ass.

There are about 17,749,999 more of these. Have fun.

That Annoying Robot...Like Really Annoying...Seriously...Fuck.

Meet CL4P-TP, colloquially known as Claptrap. No he's not an interplanetary ninja assassin. He's a douche. You see, some people think Claptrap is cute, or charming in a ditzy way. Not us. We think he needs to die, or the robot equivalent (which probably involves some sort of caddle prod). Apart from the one you meet at the start of your journey, you can run into numerous broken down Claptraps in need of help. Although it is true that if you help them, they give you access to upgrades or weapons, you're also forced to listen to their inane chatter, breakdancing, and if you're really unlucky, possibly watch them pelvic thrust a dead body. It's your choice, because honestly, it's kind of a lesser of two evils situation.

The Story

Your role in this game is that of a treasure hunter, searching for the elusive Vault on the planet Pandora, which you will be happy to know is not inhabited by bioluminescent plants or penis hair. With the help of some crazy angel chick that only you can see, you must gain all the Eridian artifacts which, when put together, opens the door to the Vault, which for all you know holds the key to destroying humanity. But who cares right? Even those Nazis had that brief moment of pride before they opened the Ark of the Covenant.

lost ark

Man, Fritz, I can't wait to tell my mo-HOLY SHIT!

Standing in your way you have lots of wildlife that looks like it swam through nuclear waste recently, a seemingly endless suppy of bandits, and the Crimson Lance, a military unit that seems to have nothing better to do on that god forsaken planet than fuck your shit up. Of course that's not to say you don't have people on your side. As is the case with most FPS games, they don't really do anything for you, but it's still fun listening to Skeeter talk about how his mom's girly parts are busted up and how Tannis would rather be left alone to die than associate with a fat coworker of hers - at least until she had to smother that same coworker to death. You meet interesting people on Pandora. But you'll probably remember one more than any other.

nine toes

Now THERE'S a conversation starter.