Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin got bored one day and decided to set the standard for American awesomeness.

Just The Facts

  1. Benjamin Franklin never served in an army or served as president, because either of those jobs would have been a waste of his talent.
  2. At 17 Franklin showed up penniless in Philly on the run from the law. He later would provide the throbbing loins from which the U.S.A would spring. It is suspected that one of the reasons that his image is on $100 bills is to remind gangsta rappers like Jay-Z and 50 Cent that their rags to riches
  3. Benjamin Franklin quote: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Compare that to any other stuff you've heard while out drinking. Yeah, I thought so.

Benjamin Franklin's Bucket List.

1) Spend time as a fugitive from justice -- Done

2) Prove that I'm immune to all known STDs by balling every piece of available tail in Philly -- Done

3) Create largest media empire in the New World and retire filthy rich before I'm 40 -- Done

4) Discover how electricity works and use that information to save tens of thousands of lives a year -- Done

5) Help start a revolution -- Done

6) Convince the second most powerful monarch in the entire world to finance a war whose entire purpose is to prove that it's probably a good idea to kick your king to the curb and instead delegate the political power to the people themselves  -- Done

7) Accomplish item six using nothing more than my awesomeness and the fact that hot french noblewomen have an uncontrollable desire to touch my penis -- Done

8) Help shape a new nation in such a fashion that it becomes the worldwide standard for wealth, liberty, firepower, and sheer awesome badassery -- Done

The average Cracked Reader's Bucket List

1) Move out of Mom's basement.  --By the end of the summer, I swear I mean it this time.

2) Have sex without resorting to alcohol or cash payment. --If lowering my standards below that of Tom Arnold's count, then mission accomplished.