Christian College

Christian Colleges...teaching you how to be a shitty Christian on the down low.

Im'a fuck all you bitches! After Jesus falls asleep...

Christian College logic.

How to make it in Christian College.

Just The Facts

  1. Christian College is where you go to be re-assured your beliefs are the right ones.
  2. They are just as crazy as other colleges.
  3. Its where you go to learn to take advantage of people by making them give you money so that you can teach them how to be more like who you act to be.

Christian College Scandalicious

American Christian College

This college was formed by Billy James Hargis, who was forced out after a sex scandal involving male and female students. If you're going to break god's law you might as well throw in "a man shall not lie down with another man." The schools choir "All American Kids" also accused him of sexual misconduct. I don't see how you can molest a whole group of adults at once but this guy had mad perv skills.

"Wait this whole group of singers got molested? Some people have all the luck!"

Oral Roberts

The students of Oral Roberts have their body fat tested regularly, have to attend church twice a week, keep their hair short, and sign pledges not to lie, swear, gamble, drink alcohol or engage in sexual activities or homosexuality. The last one being the most awesome because Ted Haggard, an alumni, former head of the National Association of Evangelicals who was or is married and has five effing kids, all for the tom-foolery of tricking people into thinking he likes pussy I'm assuming. Because he was forced to resign after it was revealed he took methamphetamines and had sex with a man in Colorado. If we only had a hilarious video clip of him bashing homosexuals to really show how much of a hypocrit he is...oh wait...they were shooting a doc that was nominated for an Oscar and scheduled to come out right after he was caught. Thank you Jesus! Or "Jesus Camp" rather...

"Or if you let me suck you off I want tell her either...balls in your court hot stuff."

Their former president Richard Roberts also resigned because of "sinful nature" that he never admitted to, but "God told him to step down" yeah he isn't guilty or anything. The sinful activity include a dick-load of stealing money allegations but my favorite involves his wife, Lindsay Roberts. Who used the university cell phones to send text messages to "underage males". They also fired a maintenance worker and gave his job to one of her sixteen year old boy toys, who she spent nine nights with in a guest house and then I guess after he passed the trial period they moved him into the family house...O'rly? I don't know what someone with any sort of sense is doing at a Christian college but Ben Conners, a student there had this to say to local reporters:

"I'm sure there is corruption everywhere, but if you're holding students to such a high standard, making them sign an honour code and live by strict principles, I expect the administration to be living by an even stricter set of principles. To see something like this, it feels empty, like an elaborate masquerade party."

"I'm here for orientation, wait a body fat test?"

Liberty University

This will be the last for this section. I feel I have saved the best for last since I have a minor connection with this college. I actually visited this college for a week to see if it was for me. Even as a Christian, at the time, it was too crazy for me. I got to see Jerry Falwell preach and meet some of the family due to me being there with someone who married into it. If you don't know who Falwell is I'm sure you heard of the non-sense he said about the terrorists attacks of 9/11...

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen."

He also said the attacks were "probably deserved" which is straight fucking clown shoes. Now under the retarded command of Jerry Falwell Jr, who took over the position of chancellor when Sr died, presumably from a dick sucking competition gone bad, the school is doing something pretty awesome. Free speech is no longer tolerated there because it undermines their core values, which I assume are "ruin the world." The college shut down a Democratic Party Club, after which they back pedaled and said thats not what happened. Here is part of their official press release.

"While students are free to meet on campus, debate and discuss politics of every stripe, the University will remain true to its' (sic) core principles and not lend its' (sic) name or fund groups that work to undermine the principles that make Liberty attractive to so many people,"

"The students who formed the Democrat club last October are good students. They are pro-life and believe in traditional marriage. They can continue to meet on campus. The only thing that has changed came about as part of a University-wide review of all student organizations for official recognition status. Official recognition carries with it the benefit of using the University name and funds." ~ Christan News Outlet

Christian News Outlet - We make shit up better than The Onion

"What's the most dickish thing I can say about this...I GOT IT!"

Its pretty awesome when religious extremists try to out extreme another group of religious extremists. "No way bro! We are the bigger dicks and we are going to prove it!"

Thoughts based on experience.

Like I mentioned earlier I have some experience with these colleges and they are the worst. My time at Liberty consisted of all the students trying to do shit on the sly. The guy I stayed with snuck out of his window so he wouldnt get written up for a curfew violation. Don't worry though because he told me where his porn mags were and let me use his laptop that he assured me was full of porn from Kazaa. While in another dorm they were watching Saturday Night Live using an antenna since they couldn't have cable. You could be written up for holding hands there or seeing an R rated movie. While in the dorms I didn't drink out of the fountain because someone decided to take a shit in it, and also draw a big "X" on the RA's door in their own feces. One of my friends I grew up with went to Heritage, which is in Canada, to be a youth pastor. They did something sweet where they took donations to get a guys junk pierced and then people who donated could watch the video of it happen. Well turns out the video was shown to some kids who weren't all that "of age" and a shit storm came down from god himself. I always ask my friend what it's like lying to kids for a living. As far as I can see these colleges have everything else other colleges have, they just like to teach you how to be a shitty person with the guise of being a great one by making you live like the administration does.

In Closing

I don't have an issue with Christians as long as they don't try and rape me with their beliefs. Wouldn't true Christians view other colleges as a place to be a missionary instead of going to a Christian college to be even more indoctrinated with things you already supposedly believe. Also the thing about my friend and the guy getting his junk pierced is hilarious, I support it and I wish Christians weren't stuck up because I would have donated for that...eff starving people. One final piece of advice, if you're a Christian reading this don't tell people who don't believe that "I will pray for you" because you sound like a complete asshole.