Badassery represents an arcane set of actions and/or traits, the presence of which qualifies one to be "badass." It's sort of like Chivalry, only badass.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1|
Cracked asked me to write a topic about badassery because I`m very badass. So badass that I`m going to write and publish this in under an hour flat. Fuck spelling.
I`m going to tell you exactly what`s badass and what you need to associate yourself with if you want to be a badass... which you do. This is based on extensive research I did over msn with my buddy Scott. Scott only drinks Captain Morgans and has watched wrestling everyday of his life. One time he and I rocked out so hard at a Motley crue concert the guys in the box seats above us gave us free beer, another time we timed the best part of a Rhapsody song with a dangerous driving manouver in my car on a busy high way. So those are my qualifications to write about being a badass. If anyone disagrees with me they can kiss my (bad)ass.
Guitar solos are the official soundtracks to badasses. Be it a fiery face melter or groovetastic riff, guitar solos are like an air siren informing everyone that something badass is happening. Guitar solos are what blind people hear when they see a badass, and a badass is what deaf people see when they hear a guitar solo. This is science, people.
All badasses like guitar solos and are able to perform a badass solo without any prior training or practice. Because practice is boring and you're too busy being badass.
Revenge is always badass. ALWAYS. It can be done at any age, as Charles Bronson routinely sought revenge as an old man and Conan the barbarian went after it since he was a little kid. The best revenge ever is when you're chasing bad guys, they get the drop on you and they shoot you and they think you're dead but instead you are built into a robot killing machine, and go on a badass revenge rampage of epic proportions until you kill Red Foreman and Dick Jones.
Badasses love seeking revenge because it puts all their badass skills to use: Fighting, being scary, going places, it's all there! They're constantly reminded that living for revenge won't bring back their dead relatives or best friend or wife but they already know this. They've become loose cannons with nothing to lose, which means they're just doing all this for the hell of it, and that makes them badass. When one badass out for revenge encounters another badass hoping to seek revenge ON THEM the first one always wins because usually the movie is about them which means they were the badass first.
It's a good idea to do something or be near something dangerous if you want to look badass, the more dangerous the better. This is because cowards have been trained since caveman days to be in awe of these sort of things and to respect them through fear. That mean anyone within close proximity to these things will allow the badass imagery rub off on them, blowing the minds of nearby weaklings to explode.
Standing next to explosions, fires and rampaging bears are second only to CAUSING said explosions, fires or rampaging bears. If you're responsible for any sort of danger you just might be a badass. Unless you hurt someone with your danger, than you're going to get arrested. Once you're in prison you're no longer a badass until you either beat up the biggest guy in the yard or manage to escape. If you manage to escape you'll get tracked down by badasses like Dog the bounty hunter or Batman. And then you're fucked.
Girls with big boobs are badass. Well, the girls themselves might be stuck-up ice queens who'll whine about their ex-boyfriend on your first date, drain your wallet and pass out drunk in your car after throwing up on my new jacket... but the boobs are awesome.
It's important to know what constitutes as badass tits, though. They can't be the droopy old lady kind and they can't be the tiny type either. The best tits are the ones found on the covers of Heavy Metal magazine. Interesting side note: Heavy Metal the movie is the most badass movie not about revenge or robocops ever made
Sometimes (rarely) you don't even have to be the best to be badass. You just have to be good but not good enough yet to be number one. In these cases you're an underdog, the scrappy one full of heart no one expects to win but winds-up coming from behind because their opponent got cocky and stopped believing in playing fair.
Anyway, underdogs usually win unless they don't. In which case you're probably watching Rocky 1. Watch Rocky 2 and you'll know what I'm talking about.
Wearing leather is super badass because it's made from the hide of a mighty animal you purposefully killed with your bare hands. Leather is a huge component in the look of a badass, and it's even better if you have steel-toed boots, dark-lens sunglasses, and a flaming skull for a head to go along with it.
Only the jacket of a badass can be made of leather, never wear leather pants unless you're the terminator, in a rock band or both. Unless you're one of those types of badass you should never put on a pair of leather pants because you'll never be able to pull them off. Literally.
Fighting is really badass. All badasses are great fighters, and the less people will want to fight you the more of a badass you are. The most badass way to fight is by knocking out your opponent with one punch. If you can't do that you better get them with the second.
There was a time when Chuck Norris was considered badass because he was a good fighter, but it's not 2005 anymore so people have stopped thinking that way. Anyone who thinks Chuck Norris is a badass is either living in the past or is a nerd.