Internet Comics

Since the dawn of time, mankind has sought a medium which would allow him to convey the deepest yearnings of his soul. Internet comics have something to do with this. I'm sure.

An early attempt at the Internet Comic.

Just The Facts

  1. Every day, at least 20 new Internet Comics are relased upon the world.
  2. Out of these 20, approximately 0 continue beyond 1 post.
  3. You will never see success, no matter how many fake names you comment on your own post with.

Cracked on Internet Comics

Imagine, if you will, a filthy cesspool of uneducated, talentless, socially awkward people, all of whom are competing for the attention of strangers by spewing their unfiltered thoughts all over the internet.

Just kidding. We're a CLASSY cesspool

Just kidding. We're a CLASSY cesspool.

According to the all-knowing diety that is Wikipedia, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15,000 Internet Comics lurk in the deepest, darkest corners of the internet. Each of these comics represent their creator's uncontrollable need to be looked at (not unlike your average Steven Seagal movie).

Types of Internet Comics

Internet comics can be devided up into 5 distinct categories (or 4, or 3, or possibly 7, depending on how many I can think of).

1. The "Gag-a-day" Comic(Or, My meth addiction doesn't leave time for storylines)

Example: Cyanide and Happyness (by Kris, Rob, Matt, and Dave)

The Gag-a-day is (generally) a fancy term for "Shit I Thought of While Hightm", and requires the least skill of all the Comic types (not to imply the rest actually take skill, of course). The GaD allows the author to constantly update without worry about things like continuity or character development, and instead focus on the important things, like gratuitous violence, dead baby jokes, and maintaining a healthy DPP (dick-jokes per panel) ratio.

An excelent example of a 1:1 DPP Ratio

2. The Self Contained Storyline

Example: PvPonline (By Scott Kurtz)

The Self Contained Storyline allows the author to take his (science has yet to prove the existance of the female comic-writer) characters on fantastic, magical adventures without having to deal with the reprecusions of such actions.

I'm not legally allowed to make a joke here.

From the writer's perspective, this is probably the most sensable type to go with. It allows you to let your characters experience life-changing events without ACTUALLY changing their life. This format also makes dealing with writers block easier. Stuck in a rut? Bring in an old plot device (old girlfriend, evil twin, the N64, etc.) to stir things up!

3. The World's Slowest Novel

Example: Misfile (by Chris Hazelton)

Imagine you just found this amazing new book. It has one of the most interesting concepts you've seen in years, and the characters feel like real, living people. Then you get to around page 30, and it abruptly stops. Then, about once a week, a new paragrah appears. Sometimes it's about something you actually care about, but more often it's just descriptions of the scenery. In addition to being the format for Stephen King's next book, this is a fairly accuate discription of The World's Slowest Novel.

And every other week will be about someone being hit by a van.

With a World's Slowest Novel, the author generally starts off strong, with several pages up front and nearly constant updates. However, as time goes on, these updates get further and further apart, with less and less content within each one, not unlike a certian writer/director who shall remain anonymous.

Consider yourself warned, J.J.

4. The Kind You Can Masterbate To

Example: Just use Google. I don't think you'll have much trouble.

Do you like sex? What kind? Lesbian? Man on Man? Horse? How about trangender? Or maybe just some nice Man-on-man-who-was-just-turned-into-a-female-dragon?

Oh yes, it's real.

And, finally:

5. The Kind That Makes Money

Example: Penny Arcade (by Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik), and like 2 other comics.

This is it. The big time. After all these years of long nights at the drawing table, and months of struggling to make rent, you are finally getting paid to do what what you love most. And hey, maybe that one girl from high school is finally ready to admit her love for you, then the two of you can ride away on your rainbow ship to the gumdrop forest.


Or maybe that's peyote. I've been wrong before.

At any rate, this is the kind of success story that just doesn't happen, as displayed by this chart:

Even the chart denies your existance

In all seriousness

For all my talk, I must say I do admire these people, doing what they love, and tossing it out into the world to be scorned by lowlifes I mean, sure, it may not always pay the bills, but who needs things like heat and running water when you have the Dragon Lady?

Oh baby