Ever since man evolved from dust and woman evolved from his rib, they’ve been brainstorming ways to make it up to God for eating the fruit off His favorite tree. El Colacho is not one of those ways.
Every June, all the babies that were born in Spain over the previous twelve months are laid out in the streets on mattresses. Men dressed like the devil dresses when he visits Spain--red and yellow jumpsuits--then hurdle over them like Superman doing his impression of Jackie Joyner-Kersey on PCP, before the parents simultaneously pick up their kids and begin lives filled with self hatred for letting Grandma and Grandpa have their way on the goddamned Colacho issue. "Why did baby Maria have to pick that moment to sit up for the first tiempo?!"
As you may have conjectured, pretending you're Satan incarnate and leaping over infants a) gets them off the hook for Eve's monumental fuckup in the Garden of Eden, b) ensures them safe passages through life, and c) protects them from illness--at least until Spanish flu season. All of which make total sense when you think about it. We promise.
The split second after Jaime Del Morin blew out his knee jumping over a mattress filled with fresh baby meat in a recent installment of this carnival, he knew he had two choices. He could either allow himself to land on a bambino and test out just how holy he'd made it by sending it to Heaven early, or he could THROW HIMSELF INTO A 92-YEAR-OLD MAN STANDING ON THE SIDELINES. He made the decision that he knew would please the Lord. He tackled Senor Wrinkles and the poor bastard died on impact. In an ironic twist of fate, it later came out that this was the same son of a bitch who made his kids enter his precious grandbaby into this fiasco in the first place, because damn it, tradition is importante.
When questioned about the incident, a local priest responded as though he'd just convinced the Virgin Mary to sign his chest: "It's God's circle of life played out right before our very eyes. The old die, so the young can carry on." When Pope Benedict heard about the incident and the priest's words the following day, he commented, "Yeah, or we could just not jump over fucking babies anymore," and promptly banned the ritual.
Seeing as how this topic seems to have no hope of ever being featured, I will now do whatever the fuck I want and break the so-called fourth wall for the tacky purpose of sharing a funny aside with my readers, which has just caught me off guard.
On the upper right side of this topic, where it has "Related Ads", the following are what I just saw:
Eat a Baby
Yes, the original order has been preserved. It's good to know that Cracked has its mind where it belongs. Not the gutter, but the ever-lucrative natal kitchen.