The Cracked Guide To Getting Laid
For many of our readers, actual physical contact with a member of the opposite sex has been a distant dream. To make that dream a reality - read on....
Just The Facts
- Getting laid is a male obsession, that kicks in around 12 and lasts until just after death.
- Women are interested in getting laid too, contrary to rumour. They just like being in control.
- Hygeine helps. Deal with that - we'll wait.
Learn to Cook
Hell - it worked for him!
How do I do it?
Practice. Pick a couple of meals and practice them, including plating out attractively. If you can make good food that looks high end restaurant quality, you will be fighting the ladies off with a stick. Make a calorie controlled vegetarian dish one of your options and you'll have to hire bodyguards.
Why it should work
A man cooking well for a woman has several implications.
A good cook is assumed to be mature, and able to handle the adult daily chores of life. He is also showing interest in the present and future welfare of the woman beyond the obvious shovelling of food down her neck. The ability to create a meal which is both pleasant to eat and good to look at is also the easiest method for a man to show his creativity without coming off like a raging queer.
Does it work?
Only every goddamn time.
The down side
If you get too good, you could turn into this:
Not exaclty a babe magnet
Make the best of your body
The problem with steel abs? Women with magnetic bras!
How do I do it?
This one requires a certain amount of dedication, and regular exposure to soap and water. If you start getting into moisturiser land, it is time to worry. An exercise regime will burn off the gross fat and put muscles on you fast enough. Playing sports will keep you in condition. According to reports, the quickest and easiest way to get a 6 pack is to break your leg, but we find that is taking dedication to extremes.
Why it should work
Do you really think your personality is good enough to attract women? If it was, you'd not be reading this. If you look healthy, women are attracted on the subconcious level to a strong protector and provider.
Does it work?
It is a tool to use. Not instant knicker melting, unless the woman in question is incredibly vapid, but it does let you get your foot in the door.
The down side
It can become an obsession, eating into your meeting women time:
Over doing it can attract the wrong sort of attention.
Dress well, but not perfectly
We got a lot of work to do here ...
How do I do it?
Get dressed. Yes, including pants. Now look in the mirror. Do you look like a Calvin Klein model? If so, chances are women will think you are gay and approach you without fear. Since the 80's, one popular way of simulating the neglect look is dress really well and have stubble. It works, but presumes you are capable of growing a beard in the first place.
Why it should work
Dressing well shows that you make the most of yourself and enjoy looking good, while the slight show of personal neglect arouses both curiosty and the maternal instinct and lets you get your foot in the door.
Does it work?
As a technique it is the least effective on this page - but it can have it's results.
The down side
There is no downside to looking good. Ever.
Kickin ass and playin Jazz.
Do not brag
Ensure your bragging is certified.
How do I do it?
This one is hard. Men, while talking to other men, bullshit and brag constantly. It is expected. Try to start the conversation, as once a woman gets talking all you need do is nod and say yeah once in a while. If she insists on you speaking, get into the habit of using your peripheral vision to keep checking out her boobs. It will interupt your flow of conversation a bit, but will force you to limit your bragging by completely distracting you from what you were going to say.
Why it should work
Women have an almost supernatural (to men) ability to read body language. If you are bullshitting her - she will know. And keep her legs firmly crossed. She will also know your are sureptitoiusly checking out her tits as you talk - but that is usually OK.
Does it work?
It is 50:50 effectiveness and getting a slap in the face.
The down side
Forgetting and checking out mens chests.
Wallflowers. Natures way of keeping humanity agressive.
Pay attention
Not that closely! Idiot!
How do I do it?
This one is sort of a rider to the previous technique. It is pretty simple, look at her, look interested, and answer when she pauses. Yes, No and Wow are normally sufficient. Whatever you do, do not let your eyes glaze, look away from her to check the other talent for more than 10 seconds at a time, or fall alseep.
Why it should work
It implies commitment and interest if you can ignore the hottie across the room and pay attention to your date instead. And women are all over commitment like fleas on a dog.
Does it work?
Always. Though it is a risky technique.
The down side
Being a "good listener" can get push you immovably into the friend bracket at roughly the speed of light. So make sure you interupt once in a while - nothing crass, just go refill the drinks or hit the john.
Aw, fuck. Another one all "Lets be friends."
Be Sensitive
FAKE!
How do I do it?
How the hell should we know? Get off your fat ass and look it up.
Why it should work
This is an older technique, dating back to the 90s, when everone suddenly went all PC and metrosexual. We refuse to contaminate ourselves, so you can read about it here.
Does it work?
Only with women over 40.
The down side
Your friends, brothers and father will disown you for turning into a pussy.
You are going to need to join. The sooner the better.
Have a big wedge
We woulda gone with Warren Buffet, but he wanted too much for the picture rights.
How do I do it?
Make money. Flash it about. Then make more money.
Why it should work
In every survey you read, a good sense of humour is high on the list of what women are looking for. Bollocks. If that were true, internet comedy writers would never have the energy to write at all. They really want a man with a full wallet - but don't want to say that as it sounds mercenary. Act rich and you are in!
Does it work?
You really need to ask?
The down side
None at all.
Over baiting the hook is a little tacky though.
eh, the most important (to me and my female friends) was always "show your interest but don't presume" - pushy guys are a turn-off but confidence is cool. Fine line? Not really. Confidence means you believe in yourself and like yourself. Pushy means you think the women should take whether you are likeable or not.
ReplyThe fine line between sensitive and "just friends"/wussy? A bit of distance. Women don't expect men to be totally empathic, just a bit sympathetic. Women also assume any man who allows a woman to make the relationship all about her emotional state has no emotional needs of his own. Because women expect men to be a LEETLE bit assertive. Not aggressive or asinine but assertive. If you never assert your needs, then clearly you don't have any worth worrying about. If you come back later with the "but I've been in love with you all along!" (translation: "I wanted to bone you but figured I'd have a better chance if I deceived you and pretended I didn't want to bone you") - dude if you "loved" me all along then why didn't you say something? Because you're a liar or because you're too wimpy to speak up? Either one is bad. Avoid those pitfalls.
For that last tip I thought wedge meant something else...
ReplyIt's quite good, easy to read, captions under the photos are amusing (didn't get that one with s.t.a.l.k.e.r. guy). Maybe that whole section about paying attention is not realy necessary (it's not that funny, is lot lik a previous method, and most people like to read less than more :))
ReplyI like it.
Reply