Critics. There everywhere. Below this article. Below the next. They are annoyances that have risen from the primordial soup of the internet forum.

Most Critics can be found somewhere here

Your stereotypical critic. Rarely seen in the internet habitat

Just The Facts

  1. Not all critics are pests
  2. Being said, most are
  3. Most arguements are irrational or irrelevant, and might be a result of the evolution critics

Types of Critics

There are quite a number of different species of critics. Some are lovable, accepted, friendly - even if having easily offended tastes- critics such as Yahtzee. However, these species are largely endangered and there are few examples of them found alive in the wild. One reason it may be so hard to find them alive is that their are many other species of critics that hate everything other people love, and when one critic comes out and supports something or doesn't "give it a properly harsh review" they are hunted by these less lovable beings.

No, the kinds you are going to face are the most savage predators, immune to logic and reasoning. If you are on the internet and post a piece of work or a comment on your favourite band, you must be able to handle this savagery. It is not recommended that you upload something unless you have passed critic survival classes with high accolades. Anything flaw, real or imaginary, will be brutally murdered. Rage and tears only feed these beasts.

1.Clueless Parent/Kid

One of the less brutal species, their intentions are good. Sometimes too good. It's hard to critisize (pun unintended) someone who has only the best interests of the public, especially children in mind. However, finding the flaws are easy enough.

"This film is horrible! I can't believe they let kids see this filth!"

"They don't. It's MA15+ (NC 17+ for you Americans)"

"Well, it shouldn't exist as kids could get their hands on this through an adult!"

You will have seen this a lot. The public outcry over video games meant for late teenagers to adults like Grand Theft Auto. The admonishment of Harry Potter Movies that are actually no meant for preteens despite your naive opinion. The latter is even more confusing as the kid is likely to have seen worse from their parents kissing than a Harry Potter can provide. In other Words, an often misguided and frustrating attempt to make the world a better place... by limiting our freedom of speech (I'm pretty sure that's also against the constitution, putting calls for the banning of certain media into odd light).

Or This Guy

2. Newspaper Reviewer

The Matrix. Man consider this movie to be an important milestone in cinematic history with its high powered special effects. Others particularly enjoy the story and deep issues that it delves into. And the Majority of us love the badass kung fu and gun fights that pepper the movie (I've been meaning to ask: How does Morpheus avoid getting shot when Neo fills the room full of bullets blindly with a chaingun?). This newspaper critic, however, despises everything but the special effects. This is not redeemed though as he goes on to say "It's astonishing that so much money, talent, technical expertise and visual imagination can be put in the service of something so stupid."

They often know little about what they write, but get paid a decent wage for writing anyway. Their small quips on the latest movie or album is usually unrevealing and sometimes leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied like a tease. They hate the movies you love and love the movies you hate.

How many people still read these?

3. "It was cool until it became popular"

The species whom prides itself on been apart from the crowd. He LIKED your favourite band, but only until you started liking it. You are a mindless sheep and have tainted one of his favourites. That band sold out because it decided to actually make it big and earn money by doing something they were good at and that people enjoyed rather than pandering for the high-nose indy crowd. Not all indy fans are like this either, but the vocal ones tend to be. They are snobs. Simple, plain, pure fact.

Interesting side note: Sometimes a band will reach large popularity, and then because of this new popularity suddenly drop back down as people complain that the artist has become "too mainstream". Ignore the fact that the music hasn't changed, and that the fact that it is no longer mainstream because everyone believes it's too mainstream.

4. Only like it if it's before current generation

An ageing species, but very much in full force. Actually, quite like Japan. Large population, yet most of this population aren't young but elderly or middle-aged. All music today is trashy and violent (for hypocrisy, see:

7 Songs From Your Grandpa's Day That Would Make Eminem Blush). So many violent movies are been seen by our children that would have gotten the highest rating back in our day (Despite Papillion featuring an upclose view of a decapitation and only reaching a PG rating)! Supposedly humanity has long since forgotten all great art and everything that we produce today is a scornful mockery of everything your grandparents/parents stood for! Forget that we get clearer sound and lyrics that tell stories. Irrelevant that new special effects allow us to develop a fuller, more faithful-to-the-source world than yonder year. The fact that novels feature more diverse plots and characters are a travesty to the institution that this great country America/Australia/England/India/Whatever were built on.

It should be noted however that despite an aging population, this species does have some hatchlings that are just as quick if not quicker to attack your recently found fancy.

5. Those who only like [insert subject] of there are explosions/ testerone charged fantasies

This is the "Tough Guy". You like a movie that girls can watch also? You're a pussy! Emotion beyond anger, supremacy and invincibility? Pssh, emo. Others can relate to the work in question? A whinger who should realise that everyone else goes through the same shit.

The "Tough Guy" doesn't get that been relatable is a good thing, and that people enjoy plots/songs that have both their ups (Hero wins/Protagonist meets love), and their downs (Protagonist questions his existance/ Government or corporation screws him over). It's either massive pecs and boobs or nothing -usually not on the same person, mind. There's nothing wrong with liking what the "Tough Guy" likes. We all like explosions and boobs -yet again, usually not on same person unless you have a weird fetish- but why does everything have to be the same for them? Isn't Die Hard Rip Off 24 good enough for you? What else do you want?

The "Tough Guy" might also be possible to be explained away by evolution too. In the not-so-good old days, the strongest survived, not the usually the smartest (Smart those days was knowing that poop wasn't a substitute for fresh food). I say not-so-good old days because if you are reading this, you probably not the freaking hulk of the office. It was kinda like middle school, where the bullies were the big, strong bastards, except there was no going home at the end of the day. Chances were, if on of them targeted you, you were better off attacking a shark empty-handed. In result of the dominance of the testosterone loaded men of primeval times, the "Tough Guy" (not very much like olden day's tough guy except in attitude) thinks his opinion is ultimate.

Which one is the prehistoric tough guy?

6. Those who hate [insert subject] on principle

Christian. Athiest. Reptilian person. Republican. Democrat. Green. Gas munching. Metal Head. Classical listener. Every single group of people, every single category of mankind has this kind of critic. REASON BE DAMNED! PERSONAL TASTE BE DAMNED! I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS A PIECE OF ART I ENJOY! I HATE IT BECAUSE IT CONFLICTS WITH SOME ESOTERIC BELIEF I HAVE THAT I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY IT EXISTS.

This species of critic is partially comprised of this critic, and at the same time loathes this species. The Christian group that claims a kids book containing sorcery is blasphemy. The athiest group who hates the well written book because it mentions god in a non-scornful way. The jock who hate all manga because the only ones he/she has seen is Poke'mon and Dragon Ball Z. Not because of any reason. They themselves are not quite sure of what has started this hatred. But it is their, and they will let it be known.

Survival Tactics

It's quite simple. Ignore them, or find a place to hide until they go away. Arguing you point with them wont work as these critics spit in the face of your foolish false god, reason. It just leads to the scarring flame wars that leave aplenty of once fertile land scorched. Insulting them, while satisfying, achieves nothing in the long term. Some are more powerful than you with their connections to the parasitic structure that is 4chan. The best course of action is to take the reasonable critics with a grain of salt, and the others with a sledgehammer. Getting worked up over their insulting, insightless drivel is pointless. In fact, it mutually assured destruction.

Or a cardboard box works

Also, sorry about missing images. Cracked's upload didn't work for me so I'm using imageshack. Also, can you post corrections or suggestions below (That don't involve telling me to "gtfo")