Phineas And Ferb

We here at Cracked hate how simple and stupid most children's programming has become. Typical shows have boring plots like "watch the bunny put his pants on wrong" (Max and Ruby) or the slightly more complex "Help save a baby animal" (Dora, Diego, Wonderpets). Hell, it's like Wonderpets opens up a book of zoo animals and points at random at the animal they'll drop into the pre-arranged plotline each week based on one single page of animal based Mad Libs they've been clutching to for five seasons.

Then comes along a show like Phineas and Ferb that blows that crap out of the water.

Imagine if you pitched a high-action cartoon about a platypus that doubles as a 007 parody. Throw in a Dr. Evil style enemy who is inept enough to be really funny. Toss in a running gag ala "The Couch Gag" from the Simpsons on how the Platypus gets into the secret control base each episode. Then add crazy inventions like from Inspector Gadget to be whatever the villain is trying to use to get his way. Oh, then have the villain tell some hilarious back-story about how he had a tortured upbringing featuring hilarious plays on words. You'd probably be told that there's too much going on in your proposed show for the network to greenlight it.

Now make all of that your SECONDARY plotline. Yeah that's right... that's what replaces the filler crap of most cartoon shows. The main story is about two brothers who torment their sister by making wild crazy out of this world inventions everyday to pass the time. The sister has made it her mission in life to get the boys in trouble but she always fails miserably and winds up looking like a spaz when the boys invention disappears. Pretty much every little brother's secret fantasy played out (besides that fantasy involving the babysitter).

"It's a Fuckin' Surfboard! Hooray!"

Ashley Tisdale plays the voice of Candice, the sister in the show. We're pretty sure Disney owns Tisdale outright. We're thinking maybe they have connections to Eastern European gangsters and bought her from some Romanian slave-trader.That explains why she is made to sing and dance on tour despite having money from her T.V. shows.

"Threesome anyone? Just Kiddin'! One's a Cartoon Owned by Disney and the Other's a Drawing."

At some point in the last decade, Disney uncovered an ancient scroll of wisdom that said: "if you want your shows to be popular, incorporate insanely catchy songs." When Phineas and Ferb unleashed "Gitchi Gitchi Goo" on the world it was so catchy that most viewers immediately realized what was missing in their lives: catchy pop songs. Disney ordered the makers of Phineas and Ferb to incorporate one song per episode after that point with varying success.

The lyrics to "Gitchi Gitchi Goo" sounds like something out a pornographic films soundtrack with "bow-chicka bow-wow" and "chika-chicka-chew op" but the resulting song sounds like someone woke up the Beach Boys from their four decade slumber and said "write a good song now, damnit and don't make it about the freakin' beach."

Oh, and if you want you can hear it in Japanese or Spanish.

After watching enough episodes that you really get the show, you are left with a weird feeling growing somewhere deep inside you... but that's not cancer, or at least it's not just cancer, it's the thought that "Hey, if these boys can make anything from flying cars to portals to mars, why aren't they you know... doing important stuff like curing that cancer that's growing inside me?" You're not the first to think something like this. This thought has a long history and is sometimes called "Reed Richards Is Worthless" on the internet. The long established pop-culture principle that says "Yeah, you can create anything except you know, something useful that would make the whole world a better place." Here at Cracked we like to also apply this to magical items from movies.

"So Ferb, Let's Just Forget About That Curing Cancer Thing and Make a Kick Ass Rollercoaster!"