Why Facebook Sucks

Facebook, the online social networking thingy, sucks because it gives immature people permission to inflict the world with their narcissistic and attention-seeking behavior.

Just The Facts

  1. Facebook is like a bathroom wall that everyone writes on except real bathroom walls are more interesting.
  2. Facebook gives needy people a place to go(without actually getting off their presumably fat asses) where everyone knows their name. Like "Cheers" sans booze and good writing.
  3. Facebook is like masturbating: nobody's stimulated except you.

The Users

Masters of Baiting or "Master-Baiters": These are the folks who post things like "At the ER. Probably getting stitches" or "(Username) just did something he regrets" without any further details or information. These kinds of posts are inevitably followed by dozens of comments like "OMG what happened?" "I hope you're okay" "I'm praying for you" and it just goes on and on. Back in the old days of voicemail, a true friend would never leave a message saying "At the ER..." or "I just did something..." and leave it at that. These kinds of messages would have solicited annoyance and accusations of immaturity and histrionic tendencies. In other words: "Hey, it's me. Don't fucking leave me vague messages and get me all worried you little drama queen!"

Horror Scorers: These are users who post things like "My grandma died 13 years ago today" or "My sister has cancer". The comments roll in: "I'm so sorry" , "My prayers are with you", "I didn't know you had a sister because I barely know you but I'm thinking of you today." The poster isn't dead. The poster doesn't have cancer YET the poster gets worldwide sympathy. Blow. Me.

Combo Platters: Instead of posting "My sister has cancer" these users take it one more step by baiting for comments saying "I'm thinking about my family and I'm sad". This could be the worst sort of user: I'll score sympathy from someone else's pain and I'll bait you into wondering what the hell is going on. This wouldn't be shocking if I were writing about teenage users but these are middle-aged professionals. This unapologetically self-centered behavior probably leads fundamentalists of all religions to point to Facebook and say "This proves it: the world is coming to an end in 2012."

The Quizzes

What kind of fucking whore are you? Take the quiz! What kind of fucking whore do you think I am? Maybe the kind who doesn't give a flaming flying fuck about what kind of fucking whore I am! Which Golden Girl are you? Which Partridge Family member? Which Seinfeld Character? Which herbivore? Which Serial Killer? My God! Read a fucking book! Please! Maybe that's why they call it Facebook because it subliminally suggests that one has spent time with an actual book. REAL BOOKS ARE BETTER!

If I Wanted to see you, I'd see you

I know that there are probably many users who use Facebook who don't have personality disorders but sadly I have not met or "friended" any of them. It comes down to this: if I haven't seen or heard from you in 10 years, don't count on me to attend your funeral or your daughter's wedding.