Disaster Movies
Hollywood is the best place to find out about all the spectacular ways the universe can fuck you right up. Thankfully, they also offer tips for surviving ...
Just The Facts
- The world IS going to end in our lifetime.
- Jesus ain't coming back to save us (unless he takes the form of Jeff Goldblum).
- "Armageddon" is in the Criterion Collection?
The Gospel According to Roland Emmerich
Let's face it... when December 21, 2012 rolls around, how many of you are planning to visit the Statue of Liberty or Eiffel Tower? If there is an alien invasion imminent, how many of you are going to be in NYC or LA to greet them (especially since aliens clearly prefer the desert)? When disaster strikes, it is obvious what you should avoid first and foremost: major landmarks. Why? Because you know that if God is a fan of Roland Emmerich, he's got one hell of a showstopper planned for this planet.
Murphy's Law (On Steroids)
Earth has a surface area of approximately 510,072,000 km2. Manhattan Island has a surface area of 22.96 km2. With this in mind, what would you say is the probability of a 1 km2 meteorite (or, an Imperial-Class Star Destroyer) crashing into Manhattan Island? For those of you who are Jeff Goldblum, you already know that it is 4.5e-8, or 0.0000045 percent. The probability of that meteorite/Star Destroyer crashing into Paris? 1.7e-7, or 0.000017 percent. Shanghai? 8.5e-7, or 0.000085 percent.
Oh, and the chance of it decapitating the Chrysler Building? 2.1e-11, or 0.0000000021 percent.
So, what would you say the odds of all four targets getting hit would be? Well, however miniscule that number is it jumps to 100 percent if you saw Armageddon, so Jesus Christ... stay clear!
Why You Should Not Listen to Your Government
Think your government can contain the Rage Virus? Think they can keep you safe from aliens, volcanoes, comets, Mayan calendars or machines (now, or in the future)? Of course not! You didn't vote for them, and they were pretty shitty at their job to begin with.
But don't worry... in-between nuking Houston and "scorching the Sun," they'll hold prime-time press conferences to keep you posted on exactly how fucked the situation is.
"...and that is how we failed."
Don't Overdo the Hero Thing
Sacrificing yourself in a disaster film is noble, and will elevate your character (and the story around you) to a higher realm of drama. However, no matter how improbable it may seem at the time, you do NOT need to die to be a hero. Just ask these guys:
These guys.
Whether it's white trash wingnuts, wannabe-heroes or old men past their prime, let the human kindling from the B-story arc save your ass. Nature selected you to survive this mess, so be quiet and accept your newfound fate: repopulating the planet with your highly coveted, disaster-proof genes.
(Besides, if even Ben Affleck could avoid this draft, then so can you.)
Family Matters
As outlined in Barton Fink, [cute] children and/or a [hot] love interest are essential to any drama. However, while their inclusion may help you survive disaster, it just might be at the expense of their lives. Why? Because the better you get along with your wife and kids, the more likely they are to die instead of you (e.g. I Am Legend, and ID4). They work kind of like canaries did for miners: your cutest, most expendable line of defense.
Ditto for the family dog.
However, is your relationship on the rocks? Do your kids hate you? No problem...
HAVE A TROUBLED MARRIAGE!
Quick! Run out of the house right now! Leave the state! Move to the Arctic! JOIN THE E.P.A.! Not only will this guarantee the survival of you AND your loved ones when disaster strikes, but your family will emerge stronger than ever (Outbreak, War of the Worlds, ID4 and probably 2012).
Also, your dog survives. Good work!
The assholes inherit the Earth.
You forgot one thing on the chart at the top:
ReplyAfter hearing about the impending disaster, the President is supposed to turn towards the camera and say, "God help us all..."
ok, it's not the area of something like manhattan island when its SQAURED, that's the little 2 next to kilometers, area is square kilometers or miles or whatever you're using it's one side multiplied against the other, thats area
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesUh, yes, it is. Square miles is the same as miles squared.
I would suggest when making a point, spell "squared" correctly.
The square mile (abbreviated as sq mi and sometimes as mi2) is an imperial and US unit of measure for an area equal to the area of a square of one statute mile.[1] It should not be confused with miles square, which refers to the number of miles on each side squared. For instance, 20 miles square (20 × 20 miles) is equal to 400 square miles. Just to help those who clearly can't tell the difference between a Square Mile and a mile squared... which aren't the same thing... duh...
Way ahead of you Cracked, I stopped tanning so when the apocalypse comes I will find the Twilight bitches and have them shield me with their corpses. Sure I'll have to listen to them talk, but only until they sacrifice themselves in a fiery blast of me sarcastically saying "oh no wait please." Then think of all the sympathy coose I'm gonna get. In the wise words of Xander Cruise "oh no your girlfriend just died please put your penis in my vagina."
Replytl;dr make twifags die for me, get sympathy coose.
Hmm. Being in a helicopter/plane over the ocean but near land.
Replywhat if you run out of gas? or some kind of explosion sends air waves that knock you off course and into the ocean?
near land and swim are those solutions
And you were right about 2012, the dysfunctional family stuff is what helped them survive. The good guy sacrificed, etc. F**k Roland Emmerich, f**k him in the head.
Replyf*****g awsome summary image
ReplyNope, but after so many disaster movies I felt comfortable taking a leap of faith.
ReplyYou really didn't see 2012 when writing that last paragraph?
Replyprobably predates 2012 by a week or something.
This article was published on October 12, and existed in draft form over a month before that. I simply deduced how '2012' would end using the formula in the summary image.
really dog?
ReplyNot to be a smartass, but 4.5e-8 is 0.0000045% not 0.000000045%
ReplyWhen converting a probability to a percentage, you have to multiply by 100, or 1e2.
Anywho, AWESOME article! :D
I respect whoever wrote this so much. Very funny, very true, and very.....good?
ReplyDON'T USE I.E. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS GODDAMMIT!
ReplyOr just f*****g look it up. Just once, and then you'll know.
you are wright there are many hollywood movies which taught how to survive from the disaster but all that tricks are just fictitious and no one can use it practically. So I think that movies are just for few moments entertainment.handytaschen
ReplyJesus taking the form of Jeff Goldblum, lmao, Mathematics ftw,
ReplyBTW, I'd totally roll with Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Sure he's an a*****e, but unlike the other various assholes in the movie, he was right about pretty much everything. Except trying to lure the T-rex away with a road flare, but at least he didn't get chomped right off the toilet as a result.
Replyyeah he knew basically nothing about dino survival and was crippled VERY early on. listen to his advice BEFOREHAND, but not once tne s**t hits the fan
The article left out the precocious, slightly annoying, doe-eyed kid who either: A) serves as the objective of a ridiculous, likely-to-fail rescue and/or escape attempt for Our Heroes to engage in (mentioned below), or B) possesses one, and only one, incredible skill or piece of knowledge that no one else in the cast does, which allows him/her to save everyone's asses at a crucial moment. Bonus points if the precocious kid comes from the aforementioned requisite broken family, and double-bonus points if the kid has a sibling/pet/sidekick/romantic interest that teeters on the brink of death at some point during the caper.
ReplyWait, Tom Cruise and his wife didn't get back together in War of the Worlds.
ReplyGood stuff. http://makefunofmyfriends.com
ReplyGood points in your article, all true, but good lord, the spammers have really gone crazy in this thread. /Oh, and if you scream "I'll find you" at someone, you will. 100% of the time.
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