American History

The United States wasn't born yesterday. Here's a lame half-assed attempt at remembering what the hell happened in American history.

What's so civil about war anyway?

Words to live by sailer.

Yes ladies, I'm sure you can.

Just The Facts

  1. American History is about the United States of America,it's all in the past now.
  2. Don't expect to hear much about any other countries like Canada or Mexico. No one really cares about you. Just saying.
  3. Everyone loves America!

From then to now.

Here's a brief timeline on American History. It's just easier that way. If anything was missed, oh well.

The bridge to nowhere.

10,000+BC or something- People first started living on the greatest continent known to man... North America. Historians disagree on how humans broke into North America. Some say they crossed the Bering straight from Asia to Alaska and worked their way down. Other historians think they motorboated their way across the Pacific from Asia to the West Coast. Fence riding hybrid theorists claim both might have maybe happened. We at Cracked think Native Americans were always there. Why else would they be called Native Americans? Or maybe they just surfed there on ancient surfboards made of bonzai trees and dolphin carcasses.

Lief Ericson sails around aimlessly (maybe drunkenly?) and discovers a continent.

1000 A.D.-Leif Ericson, a fine young speciman of Nordic Seaman, lands somewhere on the Eastern coast of North America. No one is 100% sure exactly where this was. He found it by getting blown off course sailin' from Norway to Greenland and landing "no where near the fuck he originally wanted to go".

1492- Chris Columbus was given credit as the first European to land in America (he wasn't the first). He landed in the Caribean. Columbus was looking for a shortcut to India. He was given the credit of discovery because he was documented as yelling out "first" after he landed. He also refused to believe that he wasn't in the West Indies. Columbus even called the native americans "indians." Even after indians told him they weren't indians. The misnomer still lives on today. See the verbal exchange below.

"You mean we're not in India Chief!?" said a Chrissed off Columbus. "No you limp wristed douchebag... and quit calling me Chief !" snapped Chief Stumbling Drunk who was totally representin' the Slapaho tribe.

1565-John Hawkins introduces smoking tobacco to England. People still celebrate today by dieing of cancer.

1607-Jamestown, the first permenant settlement in North America was founded by the Virginia Company. The original settlers were looking for gold and a trade route to the Orient. The settlement was frequently attacked by the Algonquin tribe. Algonquins didn't want Europeans dragging the country down by taking all the minimum wage jobs and forcing everyone to speak English. They failed.

1692-The Salem Witch Trials took place. Anyone that could fly around on a broom, Harry Potter style, was executed. 19 people were hung to death.

1752-Ben Franklin flies a kite. He proves lightning is indeed electrictiy by attaching a key to the kite and flying it during a thunderstorm. He was electrified and thunderstruck. Later on in the week he went golfing with his buddies during another electrical storm. Lightning didn't strike twice.

1776-Continental Congress declares independance from England. Fuck off Tea Sippers!

1801-Lousiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson, president of the U.S., purchases 800,00 acres of land from Napolean Dynamite Bonaparte for $15 million cash money.

1812-War of 1812. U.S. went to war with Britain. This was partly because Britain was at war with France and it didn't like the fact that the U.S. was trading with France. The war ended in a tie. Sidenote: The Whitehouse was burned down by the British. An American mused, "The roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn."

1861-1865-Civil War- Lot at stake here for this neat little classic war. North vs South. Strong Central Government vs. States Rights. Industrial Manufacturing vs. Slave Labor Plantations. Anti-Slavery vs. Slavery. America dominated this war.

1917-1918-U.S. enters World War I. This war resulted because of a big power struggle between countries where everyone kept getting into each others shit. U.S. gets dragged into the war. Who won? There is no winner when it comes to war. Except America.

Charlie Chaplin go away.

1920-1933- Prohibition went into effect. It was against the law to consume alcohol. Alcohol was blamed for child and spouse abuse, , the "beer goggle effect," and drunk driving. People didn't give a fuck and got drunk anyway. Speakeasy and carry a big stick.

1920- Women get the right to vote. Men in America are amused because they can vote and choose not too.

1940-Chuck Norris.

1941-1945-U.S. enters World War II. We then proceed to kick ass and takes names.

1959-1973-Vietnam War. America fights war trying to repel communism. First time in American History not all people are in love with the fact we're in a war killing people and blowing up shit. Fucking Hippies.

1967-First Superbowl- Green Bay Packers beat the Kansas City Chiefs. The Superbowl will eventually replace both Sweetest Day and Cinco de Mayo as America's Favorite Holiday.

1969-Apollo Moon Landing-U.S. stages the first moon landing. Everyone falls for it.

That's enough history for today.