Breaking Dawn

The 4th book in the twilight series and the one were things go from weird to just plain "WTF?".

Just The Facts

  1. Contains: teenage marriage and pregnancy
  2. abusive vampire sex
  3. attempted baby-stealing
  4. vampire caesarean (aka ripping your wifes womb open with your teeth)
  5. peodophila
  6. and the world's worst vampire fight

Teenage Marriage and Abusive Sex (Book 1)

So Edward (vampire boyfriend) and Bella (human girlfriend) get married (and Bella's parents are totally fine with it despite her spending the whole of the last book worrying about them freaking out).

They go to Edward's parents island for their honeymoon. Because going to the place your parents probably first had sex as well is a great way to lose your virginity.

But anyway they have sex. Bella wakes up covered in bruises and feathers.(Edward bite a pillow ... or two.) Edward has another emo teenage angst moment. However Bella absolutely loved it and begs Edward to do it again (thats right she literally begs to be abused - and pre-teens read this). He does. She gets pregnant. Edward decides she's having an abortion. She refuses.

End Book 1.

"Hey you should totally have a baby with my wife", drinking blood, world's creepiest birth scene and paedophilia (Book 2)

Now for some reason everything is told from Jacob (that's the werewolf who loves Bella) point of view. He thinks Bella dead and goes to kill the Cullens (thats the vampires). He finds out Bella's actually pregnant. Edward asks him to convince Bella to abort the child and have a child with him instead (don't ask). Bella laughs in Jacob's face.

Meanwhile Edward's bitch of a sister, Rosalie, is basically stopping them from forcing Bella into an abortion because she wants to steal the kid after Bella dies giving birth.

Some wolf stuff happens. Suddenly Jacob's the leader of his own pack. Leah (the only female werewolf) joins his pack and creeps him out by discussing her being menopausal.

Bella discovers she can keep her strength up by drinking human blood. She happily sits gulping down a big old glass of blood, while the rest of the vampires watch on - not even tempted (not even Edward's pyscho brother who attacked her over a papercut two books ago.)

Anyway Bella gets more and more pregnant and, being the adorable clutz she is, manages to trigger early labour by dropping her glass full of blood. Rosalie (bitch sister) tries to cut her open but decides she'd rather kill her so Jacob smashes her into a wall. So it rests on Edward to bite his wife open and deliver his daughter. Imangine reading about this scene. I can tell you it's 10x creepier then what you're imangining.

Jacob goes to kill Renesmee (that's the baby) but instead falls in love with her. That's right. He falls in love with a newborn. Offically it's called "imprinting" and it isn't romantic yet. But it still sounds fucking creepy.

Oh and Edward finally (after 4 books of whinging) turns Bella into a vamp.

End Book 2.

Lots of vampires show up and don't fight (Book 3)

So Bella's a vampire. And she's beautiful and quick and blah blah blah. Also she's not like all those over nasty newborns. No she can control herself (because can you imagine if Stephenie Meyer had had to write her as a blood-crazied killer OH NO!).

Baby-related stuff happens. Jacob nicknames the baby after the loch ness monster. Bella attacks him for it. Bella's dad learns she a vamp because Jacob's an asshole and tells him.

On a side note Edward's super strong brother Emmett makes lot of cracks about Edward not being able to satisfy his new wife and how him and Rosalie knocked down houses having sex (yeah enjoy that image in your head). Bella beats him in a arm wrestling match to shut him up. The rest of the Cullens never let him live it down.

Then Meyer remembers there's this thing called plot and it what books should have. So suddenly the bad vampires from 2 books ago are coming to get them. The Cullen gather lots of other vampires to fight. The bad vampires arrive to fight. Then ... erm.... no fight happens. They talk a lot and Bella gets to save the day with her newly discovered vampire powers. YEAH BELLA (!)

Ok I sorta get why no happens. Once Meyer had remembered about plot she had 3 choices:

Choice 1: See above

Choice 2: Go on a Rowling style killing spree and kill off the majority of the secondary characters (and get every fangirl crying because their favourite character died)

Choice 3: Have them fight and the good vampires come out unscratched (and having every critic insult her for it)

So everything happy. Bella shows Edward how much she really loves him and his little vampire family are safe.

End Book 3.

And that's it. That's the ending of a best-selling book series.

I Have A Dilemma....

See I've wrote this article Cracked style (anti-twilight basically) and I agree with everything I've written here.

So why have I read this book twice and will re-read it a third time as soon as my best friend has the decency to give me back my copy I lent her?

I mean seriously, why is this stuff so goddamn readable?

Anyway I have to go now. I'm off to go hunt down Stephenie Meyer and demand the return of my sanity.