Kangaroos

The kangaroo is an animal that people like to chuckle at and sometimes dream of owning and riding to school. Especially those of us who didn't like school. What most people don't know is that just under the surface, kangaroos are heartless murderers.

At least you don't have to worry about finding one of these things in prison.
At least you don't have to worry about finding one of these things in prison.

Just The Facts

  1. Kangaroos are cute.
  2. Kangaroos are funny.
  3. Kangaroos will fuck you up.

Reproduction

Let's be real here for a second: Female kangaroos are dirty, dirty sluts. They are, to put it clinically, "pregnant in permanence"? Basically, a love-starved roo will get herself knocked up, wait for an average of about a month, and pass a lima bean-sized fetus into her pouch to nurse. Then, before she can properly settle into a healthy panic at being pregnant before she's four years old, she usually copulates again with the first hit-n-split douchebag to buy her a Foster's. Simply put, kangaroos can't say no.

Baby kangaroos are agoddamndorable. The practice of "hand-rearing", or raising abandoned joeys by hand is somewhat common in Australia, and why wouldn't it be? Picture this: A scared-to-shaking puppy on two legs trustingly hopscotches his way into your burlap sack like you're a stranger with a Hershey's bar, and then instinctively cuddles up with you once you get home. Who doesn't need some of that in their lives after a tough day at the office?

Defense/Murder Weapons

Adult roos possess methods of murder good men ponder not. First of all, you know that joke about boxing kangaroos? It's true; they box for dominance and a kangaroo with something to prove would score a one-punch knockout on Mike Tyson and Sonny Liston's lovechild.

But the real secret weapon these hoppy-go-lucky gangstas are packing? A Mortal Kombat-style claw-first kick to the abdomen usually used to silence punkass dingos looking for street cred. You better hope the referee doesn't blink because if a threatened kangaroo can tie you up for just long enough with its arms/front leg things, it will literally disembowel a motherfucker. Go Kabal on his ass, Kanga!

But sometimes, a fight to the death just can't be won via gentlemanly murder-kickboxing. The kangaroo is usually the first to recognize this and when he does, he generally flees. But check this shit out: if pursued into the water, a large kangaroo may use its forepaws to hold the predator underwater SO AS TO DROWN IT. SO AS TO DROWN IT. SO AS TO FUCKING DROWN IT. UGH! Can Kimbo Slice swim? Can he, bitch?!