Why Women Love Jerks

We have all seen it in the movies and on the streets, the poor, hot abused girl goes right on with that douche bag of a boyfriend. This topics page is part of my life-long never-ending quest to answer "Why do women love jerks?"

It's just not fair.

Just The Facts

  1. There are plenty of hot girls out there dating total assholes.
  2. It pisses us all off when we see it.
  3. There is hope.

Here are some of the reasons that you hate but you know are true.

Now I'm not going to go into a well researched socio/psychological argument about why girls date abusive jerks, this is comedy here and I get no respect. Girls with jerks, though, they get a lot less. Pimps find runaway girls on the streets and traumatize them. We all know that one fucking jerk back home was totally beating up that girl until someone told him to stop. She kept going back though? WTF? Sadly, some of these women never escape their tormentors. The reasons usually have to do with self-esteem/torture. Some studies say the girls just feel a great respect for the dude because he didn't beat her that day. It's a real fucking problem and It's totally fucking insane and if you have this problem you need to seek professional help. Otherwise, you may want to read this.

Here are some of the main reasons girls date total jerks.

1. Cocaine

I know it's just a movie but I didn't want to show those pictures of your mom doing rails off my butt cheeks because the mole clearly identifies me and I don't need to do any more prsion time.

2. Alcohol

Now, the first thing that came up when I googled "drunk girls" was website after website of porn that we would never look at because those drunk girls are totally screwing around with jerks, right? RIGHT? So I just went with this image instead...

Somewhere in there, there is a really nice girl, I'm sure. The sad fact is that most of the girls you see downtown at the clubs act like drunken Tara and are walking around with muscle bound douche-bags. Now, I admit, being drunk makes ME much more suave and charming and totally clear headed when it comes to picking out "Mrs. Right" but it seems to have the opposite effect on women.

3. Money

Do you really need me to explain this one? I didn't think so.

4. Celebrity

This is a print by the great Roy Lichtenstein that proves his insight both into a comic art vocabulary that helped to create the movement known as "pop art" and chicks who love jerks.

5. Power

God there is so much here. I mean, Sen. John Edwards has an affair while his wife has cancer, Clinton is smoking cigars with interns (he was smoking them, right?) while he's married, and JFK, oh JFK...I mean Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe...you dog, you. Now, I'm not saying these guys are bad americans and I'm not saying they are bad politicians. Hell they were/are GREAT politicians and JFK and Slick Willy were great fucking presidents as far as I'm concerned. Let's face it though - let's man up. Adultery is a choice and it kind of makes you a jerk. In the end because those birds above are just easy targets I'm just going to go with this picture that I think better illustrates women's attractions to men with power...

and now this one...

6. Muscles/Hot Bod

Alcohol and muscles are a deadly combination, but sometimes just a hot body alone with a jerk personality can sway that special girl into sensual submission.

Well, sometimes at least.

7. Revenge

Now here is a totally sweet reason for dating jerks that us wimpy nerds just love. The chick is out for blood. From the girl seeking revenge in "I Spit on Your Grave" to Delilah trying to ruin Samson by cutting off his hair to Judith cutting off Holofernes head women have been seducing and murdering dudes since, well since Eve gave the apple to Adam.

"Hey Delilah, do you like my hair? Tell me how much you like it, will you? I'll let you cut it..."

"Oh yes, Samson, I love it. ...stupid fucking haircut..."

"What was that honey?"

"Nothing Samson."

"Take that YOU FUCKING JERK!!!"

Judith and Holofernes by Michelangelo Carravagio

Finally, I want to say there is hope. If you can stand up to that abusive jerk and tell him to back off then the girl may just love you. Or she may just be thankful and be on her way. Or she may go right back to him. Remember Bran in Goonies? Or the Karate Kid? I have hope and I have faith. I like to think the real world is less like this...

"I told her to shtay way from that jerk, Auric."

and more like this...

Now just play the montage song from this movie in your head and have a great day.