Writing Novels

How to Write a Novel in Simple Three Step Processes

The Master Flowchart

Just The Facts

  1. Novels are easy to write!
  2. All you need is Google Docs and a functioning computer.
  3. Aliens are the ultimate cure-all.

Novel Writing

Many of us think about writing novels, and immediately rethink the process--because it seems far too difficult and lengthy a task. However, it really is not--it can be quite simple, and very entertaining. Most novels that are written today are not works of art like they were a century ago, but variations of the same several plot-lines. Many authors cannot come up with fascinating new topics to write about--so they write someone else's story again.

Novels can be divided into three categories--let us use the categories of the typical "New York Times Bestseller" that we can procure from the library for a quarter, "Artistic Novels", which are more complex and less plentiful, but also simple to write, and "Miscellaneous". The bestsellers--all quite predictable from page fifty--can be divided further into "Fantasy", "Horror", "Mystery", "Action", and "Romance". The artistic novels can be divided as well, into "Angst" and "Inspirational/Enlightenment". We will conclude our subdivisions by separating the Miscellaneous section into "Historical Fiction" and "Comedy".
First, the writer must determine what the goal of writing this novel is. If it is for fifteen minutes of fame, the Bestseller is probably the first choice. If the goal, however, is to attempt to have an immortal voice, "Artistic" may be the right path. If the writer wanted to be a stand-up comedian at one point, but failed or got distracted, then "Miscellaneous-Comedy" is definitely the way to go. In this manner, the writer must choose his or her route.
Bestsellers are the easiest, arguably, to write. Writing one requires three simple tasks: first, to read a piece of work that is probably already well-known, or watch a movie that came out a little while ago; second, to change all the names of characters and probably change the colors of all the doors--maybe some sentences should be added in or removed to prevent plagiarism charges; thirdly, the title must be changed to something "catchier". Easy! This is how our culture has been overridden by forever-teenaged vampires who stalk high school girls and call their unhealthy relationship "immortal love". This is how, suddenly, the Knights of Templar became the standard hero--or villain--for hundreds of novels and almost as many movies. This is how Wookies, Hutts, Hobbits, and Orks evolved too rapidly, with their cousins appearing in a slew of novels (and movies). Superheroes have multiplied and saved New York from the apocalypse thousands of times over, and somehow, the Big Apple is still more in danger than any other place in the world.

Artistic novels are not quite as standardized, or as simplified. However, let us try our best to outline the easiest way to write them. To write an angst novel, the author must have some sort of mental tune-up that makes them slightly different from the norm. For example, Chuck Palahniuk writes some of the most brilliant work to date; however, it is clear from reading his work and his Wikipedia that he is not quite "normal". If the writer is intent on writing something deep and heart-wrenchingly emotional, then he or she must simply start to think dark, and try his or her hardest to look into the black depths of him or herself. Once this has been accomplished, if the writer jots down every single thing that is thought, it will be an incohesive mess. However, now comes the "writing" part--organizing this mess into logical chapters, and adding serial killers or mad bombers to the mix. At the end of this process, a truly disturbing work of art will have been created.

There are also several rules that make novel-writing much simpler. For sake of time, the easiest one: if the writer is ever stuck for an ending, aliens are the best problem-solvers. For example, there is a futuristic series about a spy-training high school that is six books long by a British author. The first five books are readily available in the US, but the sixth is not--it took a long time to finally procure the last book. After reading it, it is easy to see why it was only printed once in England--somehow, this novel's ending made the entire series actually about aliens, even though aliens had never been mentioned until the last several chapters. Clearly, to include aliens should be done artistically, otherwise the novel will be a flop; however, this is the best cure for writer's block. Aliens can save all problems.

Writing novels is truly an easy task, and most of the time, a rewarding one. They can make money for the author quickly if they are done well, but more often than not, they flop and the author falls into the abyss of obscurity. Though an author should strive for originality, most do not bother, especially when trying to write cheap bestsellers; they follow the rule of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Each type of novel is unique, though the novels themselves are not. By following the simple rules outlined above, anyone can write an unoriginal work of fiction that will sell for a dime at used library book sales!