Awesome Good-guy Ships (and Reasons Why You Can't Have Them)

There has been a great number of Good-guy ships of existence. All of them are Awesome. None of them was lame. And somehow we want to have one too, but unfortunately, even in our geekiest wet dream. we can never hope to ever captain them. Below are Aw

Take a look at these babies

The Millennum Falcon

One of the most recognizable ships of existence, this thing is fucking awesome. The idea came into mind when George Lucas thought that irt would be cool to have a hamburger fly and blow shit up in space but instead of your regular junk food, he put on some fat-ass laser beams, awesome bad-assery, and every junk-yard fantasy where Mad Max is in space and still is bad-ass and still somehow nailing beautiful people.

It is captained by the most bad-ass person of existence: Indiana Jones. Although, it has once called "a piece of junk" (Who is that Fucker???), it has never been one. Able to smuggle pirated HD-DVDs of E.T., some wierd psychedelic ingredient which is our equivalent to Acid, or yourself, you know it can do more. It can also blow a FUCKING hole in you Starship.

By the way, the Falcon is won by Indiana Jones from a card game. Pretty much like what James Bond Did with his Aston Martin.

And why you woun't have one?

Because there is only one Millennium Falcon, fucker!!!

And if there are a lot of MilF out there you have to be as bad ass as this

to control your co-pilot -

who could rip up your arm in any "feel-good" moment he has.

The Enterprise

If your going hitchhicking thoughtout the galaxy and cannot find the heart of gold then have no fear. The USS Enterprise is here for you. It primary function is to be used "to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before" or you can hustle some green chick of from a distant planet who would ultimately star in another iconic franchise, involving exploding ninjas and action figures.

This baby has a Max. speed of warp 8. You don't even know what warp 8 means so that must be awesome. To add to her badassery, she is equiped qith Phasers and Photo Torpedoes to blow the shit of every native civilization in the whole fucking galaxy.

Why you cant have one?

Well, you have to be able to look at people in the most awesome/badass way possible

Awesome

Badass

Still awesome and badass

We know we you can't do that.

The Black Pearl

There was once a saying " once you go black, you never go back." and that is exactly what this lady a classic and its also the reason a FUCK lot of people want to get their hands on this one.

She is said to be "nigh uncatchable" and have been captained by wierd and awesome people such as Sweeny Todd and Casanova Franckenstein. She has been crewed by twice-cursed mutineering pirates, sunk a shit load ships, wrestled with the squid on steroid, been to hell and back, only to end up being stolen again by those twice-cursed mutineering pirates.

Oh yeah, she faught another bad-ass ship INSIDE A FUCKING STORM!!!

And why you cant have one?

We should really go back to the origin story of the pearl. She was once a mercant shipcalled the Wicked Wrench that used to carry "cargoes" from Africa and by cargoes we mean slaves. Jack, who is an awesome pirate freed the slaves. A weired tea drinking lunatic then brander Sparrow as a pirate then orders the Wrench be sunk.

You see where this is getting?

Jack then made a deal with Cthulhu to raise the pearl so he can make a payback.

So basically, you have to have another ship sunk because you are awesome and free some people. You can't do that anymore because of the sorority called the UN and they hate racist. But in case you did manage to do that, you have to find that squid guy to raise it for you which will have your soul after some time. You will have to break the deal because, you know, you want to "sail" with Her. After much fighting, ship on ship battle, cross-swindling, double-dealing, wrench-slapping, and a trip to hell because a young English hottie killed you. You have to face Cthulhu again and his kids inside a fucking storm.

And after that, your former crew will fuck you up.

So to make thing simple, you have to be this guy

Savvy?

The NSEA Protector

Looks Kinda Similar, isn't It?

Back then when parodies are "actually" funny, someone tried to pick on an already awesome ship and gave it a comedic makeover no-one thought possible. What they got was this: the Protector. It tried to pick up a spoof on Startreck with the idea of making people laugh,. What they got instread is an epic comedy about washed up actors and actresses who got kidnapped by real aliens and is teleported in to a real ship the fight some really evil aliens. They would never know the real thing until it's too late and when all the bull is revealed, all the balls and guts rolled out into epic finale. And the ship that carried them thought all this ordeal in nome other than the Protector

Spoiler: the film contains Inter species sex.

The ship is powered by the Berylium sphere. Has a bunch of traps and can even teleport a huge golem inside thier ship. How many poeple have done that? not a lot. The ship's regestered nunber is NTE-3120. the NTE means Not The Enterprise. You see, how many people today would tell you the truth about themselves in Face book? they also have the omega 13 which might have stand for something you found in

Why you can't have one?

You have to fine a high calibre actors who are way out of thier game like Swaim, gladstone, DOB or Robin Williams and make them do what ever it is that they perform in front of the camera. Make Gladstone catch a bullet with his teeth and kill minors. Make Swaim and DOB real agents and acts as if they are married. Or turn Robin Williams into Peter Pan, The President or something.

Oh wait , They've done that already?

Ok. Now All they have to do is get kidnapped, perform tentacle sex and get chased by goblins.

They can't also do that because Goblins Don't Exist

The Nautilus

Jules Verne imagines the awesomeness of the future and to seal the deal, the created the Ultimate Pimp Ship. Ok. you might be thinking, The Millenium Falcon was awesome? but does it have a pimp ass salon?

A pimp Ass Salon

But the Black Pearl Fuaght againts the Ginat squid?

Yes it does and it lost, almost all the crew got killed, the Pearl was taken into the underworld and its captain was eaten by a giant Vagina.

The Giant Vagina

The Nautilus by the way bitchslapped the giant squid using its massive pimp hand and lived to pimp another day.

But the Enterprise's captain has a killer smile?

Well, The Captain of the Nautilus is this Awesome.

The Captain and his Pimp Stick

Why you cant have one?

What? Your reading this and you're asking why you can't have one? shame on you Gladstone.