Saved By The Bell

If you happen to be between the ages 20 and 40 then you have seen every episode of Saved By The Bell... twice. It matters not that you didn't like the show... there was nothing else on basic cable when you got home from school or back to your dorm.

If You Rotate The Image 90 Degrees You Get the Kapowski Curve Circa 1994.

The Guy That Played

Eventually It Will Come To This

Just The Facts

  1. No-one was ever actually saved by the bell in the series
  2. Saved By The Bell taught a generation that even self-centered dicks have a heart of gold deep down that is exposed at the end of every thirty minute period.
  3. It also taught us that a 15 year old in a fake moustache can trick people into thinking he's an electrician, janitor, principal...
  4. ... this trick however doesn't work in real life if you're trying to buy booze
  5. This show also totally set up Junior High school geeks into getting majorly disappointed when they discovered superpopular highschoolers don't actually want a token geek friend.
  6. The actor who played "Zack" was cloned to play the lead on Dawson's Creek.

The Age-Demographic Lock That Was Saved By The Bell.

Every American between the ages of 20 and 40 have seen every episode of Saved by The Bell. This cultural phenomenon is not born out of popularity but rather by circumstance. See, in the distant past (the 1990's) most Americans had to settle for either over-the-airwaves television (four to five channels with one of those being PBS for god's sake) or basic cable (25 channels with one of those being dedicated to Country music for god's sake). So when students returned home from school or college classes they really didn't have a choice.

They either watched 'Bell or nothing and they sure weren't going to leave a television set off. After all, there were poor kids in Africa who didn't have basic cable and it wouldn't be right to let yours go to waste.

An African Village Gathers To Watch: Saved By The Bell: The College Years Which Is Easier to Watch When You Don't Understand English.

Now that the average Saved By The Bell fan has grown up and moved on to more exciting shows (like the new, dirtier teen dramas) some have attempted to spice up the original. There's a whole niche genre of Saved By The Bell edits on Youtube, most with the predictable disastrous resort. In fact, this is the only half-decent one and all they did was had some bleeps over key words that made it sound like everyone is blowing each other.

Almost As Meaningful As The Original

The History of Saved By The Bell

So in 1988 the Disney Channel ran a crappy school sit-com called "Good Morning Miss Bliss" starring Hayley Mills (who might have been the original child-slave of Disney as she starred in just about every live-action movie they made, including films as diverse as The Parent Trap and The Parent Trap II).

In short, the show blew. While dissecting the corpse of this piece of shit the producers noticed some things that should be changed.

1. It was set in Indiana. This should be obvious to everyone but Indiana sucks. Seriously, are we going to have guys talking about how awesome the Pacers are? If it isn't a scrappy underdog movie about a small town high school basketball team, then get it the fuck out of Indiana.

2. People watching this kind of crap (i.e. kids) are going to latch onto the young characters and the daily life of teachers is not something anyone gives a crap about. Characters like Zack, Lisa, and even uber-nerd Screech were the only lasting value of the show while their teachers could be reduced to background noise ala "Peanuts" and nobody would give a toss.

Indiana: Not Ready For Prime Time But Finally Ready for Daylight's Saving Time.

So in a rare example of a reboot being better than the original, Saved By The Bell jumped to NBC and soon burned itself into the mental data storage units of Americans. Critics absolutely slaughtered the show but the ratings were pure gold (when viewed in terms of Saturday Midday up against the stink-fest that is pre-Tiger Golf and Bowling).

Golf Circa 1995.

Phenomenon

Not knowing what to do to cash in on a youth-orientated Saturday Morning Hit, NBC threw a bunch of random words into a hat and drew out a couple to see how they could best profit from this situation. The magic hat produced the phrase: "Mall Tour." So the cast set off on a tour of mall events complete with screaming fans and deranged adults seeking the autograph of teens younger then their children (but of course if these adult fans had children they wouldn't be needing the autograph of television children to complete their lives).

Nothing Gay Happening Here, Just Move Along Now.

Once the Mall Tour years were complete the show was given a bigger timeslot and more episodes ordered then ever. However, some of the actors apparently understood how contracts were and demanded raises for the additional episodes. Apparently they didn't understand how Hollywood worked and the characters of Kelly and Jesse were replaced for half of the final season by Tori. The final episode aired in prime-time and had actually been filmed before Kelly and Jesse left the show so there's no mention of Tori, who we like to think ran off to live in Vermont to write poetry and work on her motorcycle with her lover, Jo from Facts of Life.

Not feeling that they had squeezed every dime out of the property, NBC then spun the show into a new primetime series (Saved By the Bell The College Years) which failed, a mini-series (Saved by the Bell: The Wedding) which failed both commercially and in any attempt to satisfy long-term fans of the show), and a spin-off (Saved By The Bell: The New Class) which, wait for it..... failed.

Zack Morris: A Personification of All That Was Wrong With the 1990's

Zack Morris was by far the breakout character of the show. He was the guy every girl wanted to date and the guy every guy wanted to punch in the damn face.

This bitch had it all:

"Trying Too Hard 90's Style" trendy clothes, hot girls, an ability to break the fourth wall, and an oversized cell phone.

An Almost Complete Horrible 90's Clothing Collection. Not Pictured: Hot Pink.

Great Now We Have To Add "Suspenders" To Our Fetish List.

If There Was No Cafe-Press Where Would We Get Crappily Made Thin Shirts That Legally Can Only Reference Pop Culture Without Infringing on Trademarks or Other Rights.

Why, Why, Why Did Technology Have To Ruin The Cellphone by Making It Fit In a Pocket?

Sweat The Small Stuff/Make a Big Crazy Plan Instead of Telling the Truth Or a Believable Lie

As is the case with most TV shows, the characters often deal with huge irrational events but get really, really bothered by the most trivial things. The fact that teachers come and go in the High School about as often as a roll of toilet paper in the men's room never seemed to bothered the kids. But dear lord look out if a pimple showed up on a teenager's face the day before prom.

Also, whenever a misunderstanding happens in real life people usually explain to the misinformed what happened and why it wasn't meant the way it was taken. Either that or when faced with repercussions we just tell a simple lie. In Saved By The Bell rather then explain why some sort of accident happened to a parent's car, or conversely just create a believable lie, the gang sets about to fix the problem and solve all lingering plot points by fixing the car themselves with a combination of school property and items purchased as part of a bigger scam. If these kids were really that smart they'd have invented a hydrogen car (but of course Zack would be holding out on society until he'd made the most money he possibly could from oil distribution before he wrecked that entire industry, EVERYONE on the internet knows you have to do that if you create a hydrogen car).

Top Secret Developmental Notes Smuggled Out of Zack Attack Industries By Disgruntled Employee Known Only As "Deepthroat" (We're Guessing It's Jesse).

Life Lessons Learned from Saved By the Bell

1. Drugs are bad... even very mild ones. Fore example, caffeine pills will screw you up and make you dance like a spaz.... especially if you're about to get your one big chance at a lifelong dream.

2. If something goes wrong, just pretend you meant for it to happen. If part of your face accidentally gets painted red paint your whole face red and make it look like you wanted to look like a dork anyway. If your ankle sprains before the dance contest, just hop around on one leg and start a new trend. Bad things are just opportunities to start trends, just ask Ol' one-nut Lance Armstrong about his bracelets that even President Obama used to wear.

3. Medical science is full of shit. Despite what you read in the books, child-birth is surprisingly not messy at all. In fact, it's also very easy to do even if you, for example, were to get stuck in an elevator with a woman about to go into birth during an Earthquake. Also, a small bump into a door would totally put your leg into a cast.

4. Don't judge a book by its cover... judge it by its social standing. Every hot chick is secretly a great singer. Every dork can play the keyboard. Only cool guys can be lead singers.

5. People love assholes (and we're not just talking about the way girls love bad-boys). Principals secretly love problem students who complicate their lives with tons of paperwork, additional school funding, endanger their standing with the district's superintendent, and even interfere with their personal lives in an effort to avoid a test.

6. Fear the Machine! Oil companies don't give a crap about the following things: a) ducks, b) the appearance of your high school. Seriously, this episode pretty much encapsulated the anti-corporation mindset of young Americans who depend greatly on corporations to create the things that entertain them and provide their parents with income.

7. Space really is relative. You wouldn't know it, but your high school has all kinds of unused spaces hidden in the weirdest places. Did you know there's enough room behind your locker to hide a pirate radio station? There is... you should start chipping away at the blocks behind your locker as soon as possible kids. There's even little used storage areas just a drill hole away from the girls lockerroom. You'll just have to make sure the P.E. Teacher doesn't beat you to the best viewing spot first.

8. It's not about the game, it's about the player. Want to make a school sport or activity popular, just bring in a popular kid. Put ZacK on the chess team and all of a sudden you'll have 1,000 kids show up to cheer on the chess team. Track and Field can be just as popular as football if the right kid is doing the hurdles.

9. Nothing bad will happen to you if you tell the truth. It doesn't matter how bad your crime was if you come clean you'll probably just get grounded (which your parents will totally drop anyway if the big dance is this weekend).

Behind The Bell: Screech Tells All

In 2008 Dustin Daimond dished out the dirt on what was going on at the Bell set. He reminded everyone that Mario Lopez was accused of date rape and NBC paid the girl to go away/drop all charges/write for Friends (we're pretty sure she did two of those three things, we're just fuzzy on details). He also claims he got more fan mail then anyone else on the show which is the sort of thing really important people brag about, right?

As for the claims about all the sex and booze the cast experienced we here at Cracked refuse to believe that any teenager, much less very rich and famous ones, would turn to drugs and sex when they could be learning about science, math, and history.

The most outrageous claim: Diamond claims to have slept with 2,000 girls. Are there really 2,000 girls out there that would boink Screech for a shot at Zack... yep, probably. Oh, he also says Mark-Paul (Zack) was pretty open about using steroids to bulk up during the college years episodes which looks pretty obvious when you see how he went from "twink" to "muscle-daddy" in the "North American Gay Spotting Guide: A Guide For Who's Gay and Who Should Be" (a book that used to set on the communial bookshelf at the offices of Cracked until it went missing some time ago).

And For My Next Magic Trick I Will Produce 2,000 in Royalties From Destroying How Everyone Thinks About the Only Accomplishment In My Life.