Sports are widely considered to be one of the purest forms of masculinity in the world today, as evidenced by all the ass-slapping.

Also, there are balls.

Just The Facts

  1. Sports are athletic activities requiring skill or physical ability.
  2. If someone does not have skill or physical ability, there are drugs that supplement this.
  3. If drugs are too expensive, there's always NASCAR.

Cracked on Sports

Sports are a way for regular people to compete without accomplishing anything. Professional sports are a way to watch sweaty millionaires humiliate and/or grope each other.

Many sports games depend on keeping track of points to determine who is ultimately the better person, and also to show that spectators aren't wasting their time.

They are the only past-time that has earned its own section in newspapers and TV listings.


Players (the term used by sport-ologists to describe those who "do" sports) come in five categories:

Male (professional): A professional (or "pro") male sports player is someone who has forsaken his future as a productive member of society in order to go run around outside. Such players are highly sought after for there atheltic prowess and ability to lie under oath. The average pro sports player can expect to be paid an amount equal to his skill, which is apparently worth $2.5 fuckjillion at a minimum. As they become more famous, this figure rises until they reach the magical number that renders them immune to litigation. Based on what this says about their skills, every time an outfielder doesn't catch a fly ball, reverse the flow of time to correct the trajectory of the hit, stop by Austria and save Archduke Ferdinand, and then return to the present to find a verdant utopia, he is not earning his keep. For some reason, no one has a problem with this.

Boston Red Sox

Above: Slackers

Female (professional): More elusive than male pro athletes, female pros are rarely seen, except playing tennis and doing just as good as men at the Olympics (i.e. most fail to win). Over the years, female pro athletes have gone from androgynous to sexy via sheer force of will. And colored photoes.


Anna Kournikova


Amateur/College: Unpaid and recognized only once a year, amateur athletes are not yet aware that their efforts are only used to fuel the countless office bets around the world. College sports combine the talents of dedicated men and women with the thrill of Microsoft Excel.

Doesn't this look fun?

Little League: Some children still enjoy playing outside, running around and playing with real people. The rest have been subjected to Little League or one of its equivalents. Little League athletes are pre-pubescent sports players whose parents failed to fulfill childhood ambitions. As punishment for reminding them of their mortality, these parents subject their children to "kiddie" versions of sporting events, where bored and over -pressured children like them can waste an entire Saturday listening to their parents swear at people. Studies have already shown that parents of players on losing teams love their children less.

Gym class: Where the leaders and builders of tomorrow throw things at each other.