Should Men Wear Designer Jeans?

Men and designer jeans. Do they go together? Does it matter to us? Will we evolve and wear designer clothes for all occasions? Will we be on the red carpets to come being asked "Who are you wearing" more often than women?

The picture won't tell you this - But I just farted! Ha!

Does my ass make these jeans look big?

Just The Facts

  1. Designer clothing has somehow earned a connotation of "feminine" and "Posh"
  2. Jeans, for men, are supposed to be worn and used. To have something that is "designed" suggests it needs to stay clean and perfect
  3. If you're reading this far into the article, you probably already have a position on designer jeans. You're wearing them right now, aren't you?

Designer Jeans

Designer jeans suggest that what you are wearing is more than pants. It has an assumed respect. These weren't just manufactured and shipped to the country, these things were calculated! They were precisely made for you and must be respected, kept clean, and easy to identify when someone asks "Who are you wearing?" (so to speak).

Just as there is a connotation and subconscious understanding that comes with the territory of "Designer Jeans", the same goes for "Men". In the hunter/gatherer sense of "Men", we are masculine and are proud of our naked form that gets splattered in dirt and blood as we kill our food. We wear our scars because chicks dig them, we fart, we use our forearm to wipe our mouths and we can WILL our bodies to send blood to our dicks so we can flex them and claim women with our "goof juice" (as Patton Oswalt calls it). We are men, and shower because we HAVE to, we are men, and we shave the leather skin of our face so we appear civilized, house broken, and tame.

In the days of combat for land and liberty, we walked off blood soaked fields and caught our breath while running our fingers along the grooves, dents, and chips in our armour and shields. And we were proud of these dents! And we were impressed with our scars! You see, jeans are the shields and armours of our time. Jeans survive stains that never leave the same spot as blue as the rest, tears that are patched, fades from sitting, sliding, kneeling etc. The jeans become worn and they have a voice of their own, suddenly! They say "Look! I've been somewhere! I do things!"

I recently instituted a new rule for myself to keep my closet from cluttering. For every new thing I buy, something old gets thrown out. Now many a jeans I've outgrown, but there is one pair...one pair of jeans that have come with me to eighteen different cities in eight different countries; one pair of jeans that ten different women helped me out of; a pair of jeans that are held together with black duct tape in the under crotch region, that are faded and worn, that are heavy - heavy with the moisture it has naturally absorbed from the air, and no matter how often you clean them, dry them, hang them, they remain heavy with history and memories. Now those are a pair of jeans I'm proud of. Those are a pair of jeans that I'm going to treat like an old car and renew. I'm going to use my bare hands, a needle, and thread, and I'm going to stitch them, patch them, love them, and keep them in my closet while I hope my future son is a 32 by 34 pant size. I'd like you to meet the guest of honor: My jeans.

Understand that we all have images to uphold, things to live up to, and rules to follow. Designer jeans are not exceptions to the rule. You may be saying "No, I don't believe in all that 'urgh! Be a man!" garbage! I'm my own person and I'll do what I want.

That's like saying that in addition to not being racist, you've never had a racist thought. You have. It's our nature.

In Neil Labute's "Fat Pig", the character 'Tom' falls for a plus size woman who is perfectly content with who she is - her weight is not a burden. However, it IS a burden on TOM - why? Because we all want to fit in. To go along. To be part of the masses. And reader? I tell you now, that the masses believe in things like "what it is to be a man".

There are always connotations, and there is nothing but expectations. After all, we're expected to go to high school, University, and get jobs to pay for families, cars, and houses, right?

If we truly went against the grain, it wouldn't take us until age 50 to realize "Shit! I didn't have to do all that! I could have said 'fuck school' when I was 19 and travelled the world!". Why are we running out of Nomads and wandering Samurai who go from town to town trying to live life and over come any obstacle they encounter? Because we're all part of the majority, and the majority is getting bigger.

But don't worry. The gay community has a good hold of pop culture and a great sense of style. No joke! Homosexuality has become the bridge for change and evolution in defining what is "right" or "acceptable" for a man to do, say, and wear. It's a shame society was so narrow minded throughout history toward them - God knows I myself am comfortable with wearing yellow and pink (also no joke! That shit would have had you punched in the face in grade school).

Now to be fair (really?), I have had a recent struggle. I refuse to pay more than $20 for jeans, and I will buy them from ANYWHERE. my only standards are:

1. Are they blue?

2. Do they fit?

3. Are they 20-ish bucks?

Then I buy them. However, recently I've been very tempted to buy "skinny jeans". However, (here comes that connotation/association stuff we've been talking about) I'm not emo, punk, or gay. There, I said it. Come now, you all thought it and it was okay.

I would like to take the first step in banishing my prejudices toward material things. These materials are supposed to bring us pleasure, and we are supposed to enjoy them. Shouldn't I be able to wear skinny jeans because I think they are comfortable, because they suit my look, or outfit, because they compliment my "figure" (here it is again! Can "MEN" have "figures"? Or is it just a body?). I want to be able to wear those damn jeans, walk down the street, and instead of people saying "must be _______ [Gay, punk, emo, etc]" they say "Those look nice - do you like them?"

So in closing, the answer to the question is: YES

Men should indeed wear designer jeans. We should wear them because we still have to ask if we should wear them.

If you have to ask - it means you are hesitating. If you are hesitating, it is because you're concerned about what the masses are thinking/would think.

If we are indeed a generation that values being ourselves and independent, then we need to say NO to predetermined "rights" and "wrongs", "do's" and "dont's" of society when it comes to something as small and silly as what you should cover your legs and dick with.

Boosh.