Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster

Now, this is a story all about how, My face got rocked-turned upside down, And I'd like to take a minute, Just sit right there, I'll tell you all about Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster.

Or is it?


Just The Facts

  1. Max Fightmaster has the manliest name in the world: Max Fightmaster.
  2. Max Fightmaster can bench press a tank. Twice.
  3. Max Fightmaster?
  4. Yes.
  5. Max Fightmaster Max Fightmaster Max Fightmaster.

Sergeant First Class Max Fightmaster.

That's right. Not Staff Sergeant, but Sergeant First Class. He was promoted, presumably because he is HELLA AWESOME YEAH. Normally I would leave it at that, but Cracked has taken my family away and are threatening to kill them if I don't pad this section up a whole bunch. Also I won't get paid or whatever. Bummer. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Fightmaster.

Fightmaster joined the Army at the tender age of 17(Well, tender for you maybe, you Nancy), where he received hardcore military training in the art of lifting heavy military vehicles with his bear hands.

SFC Max Fightmaster, in a rare moment of not bench pressing tanks.

After bearing witness to Fightmaster's sheer explosive manliness, the military decided it was best to send Fightmaster to keep a piercing and judgmental eye on Germany in order to insure that they never forget who's mega boss. Anyway, let's fast forward a few years later to Fightmaster's deployment to Iraq, because there's no way I'm spending the next two hours derscribing in exhaustive detail how Germany would just not stop crying the entire time.

This picture has nothing to do with the topic. I just wanted to post it because IT IS AWESOME!

Being as there just aren't that many tanks in the Middle East to bench press, Fightmaster was retrained as an MP* in order to ruthlessly hunt down anybody in Iraq that would dare break Fightmaster's law. And really, what better prey for Fightmaster than the world's best trained soldiers and most dangerous terrorists. An average day for Fightmaster would include: "processing" terrorists(with his gun), detaining and locking away dangerous criminals(with his gun), and suplexing Tyrannosaurs(with his gun). I'm not sure**, but I think this means he's Judge Dredd.

Freakin' sweeeeet

After just about erradicating lawlesness in Iraq singlehandedly, Fightmaster ended his tour and is now currently residing back in the good ol' US of A. He is now married to whom I can only imagine is the raddest lady in all of Radland Ohio, and I'm happy to report that he was quite effortlessly able to concieve three little Fightmasters of his own.

You know, the craziest thing happened after the birth of his third child.


Now, I'm not saying the birth of his third child resulted in the election of our current president, but that's exactly what I'm saying.

*Military Police-DinoZord-Violence-Squad

** Yes I am