Druids

Ancient Druids are shrouded in mystery and there is no actual record of any of their rituals or customs, no matter what that fucking hippie is always rambling on about in the next cubicle. Feel free to punch him now, we'll wait.

Probably like this.

Er...unlikely.

Fuck no!

Just The Facts

  1. No one actually knows anything about Ancient Druids. It's all, "probably" "most likely" "by all accounts", in other words, "We are talking out of our asses and don't know fuck all."
  2. The name Druid is thought to have come from drus, the ancient name of the oak tree, which was sacred to them.
  3. Druids allowed their people to put over their debts and pay them in their next life. An idea we are going to suggest to the expense account manager here at Cracked.
  4. Neo-Druidism attracts 3 kinds of people: Those sincerely seeking to connect with their ancient culture. Those who don't realize that Druidism is not some extension of Paganism that demands they dance around Stonehenge once a year. Online gamers who become scary-as-hell feral Druids.
  5. Fuck ancient Rome.

Celtic Druids

Druids was the name given to common priesthood of the Celtic people, although they were also called teachers, seers, poets, judges, doctors, diviners and magicians. They were the unifying force between the Celtic tribes and the preservers of the records and common culture of the tribes. In retrospect this was probably not the best job to give to a bunch of people that didn't believe in writing shit down and because of that we actually have very little knowledge of what the Druids actually did. All that we do know comes from their enemies. You know that guy who kicked your ass every day after AV club? Well imagine he was charged with writing your biography and that is pretty much where we are at right now.
In the end, the Celtic Church was taken over by the Church of Rome and the Druids were eradicated. The Romans, seeing that the Druids were the driving force behind Celtic society, did what the Romans did best and fucking slaughtered everybody. The Druids and their families were killed savagely, their holy groves were destroyed and to add insult to injury, the Romans then penned down foreign and insulting names for the Celtic gods to permanently disband the Celtic way of life. Tacitus, which roughly translates to asshole in English, wrote of the butcher of woman and innocent children as "heroism".
Fucking Romans ______________________________________________Fucking Tacitus

Many like to romanticize the Druids with having had supernatural powers, as if having been priests, teachers, doctors and magicians wasn't good enough. It is unanimously agreed that if we here at Cracked could shape-shift, levitate and control the weather, any fucking Roman soldier who tried to slaughter our family would find his balls torn off by a rabid wolf just before the fire of heaven reigned down and fried his soon to be severed head, so you have to accept that there were limitations to what they could do.
Still others are convinced that Druids were actually aliens. This stems from the belief that the Celtic Druids were a reformation of the ancient megalithic priesthood that built Stonehenge and that any society that likely predates 2500 BC and somehow managed to move some stones into place must have been aliens. After all, it's not like one needed any problem solving skills for the innovations of the time, such as carpentry, mining and metalworking.
Let's see...We can't figure out how it was done sooo...aliens, aliens, aliens, aliens--actually...oh fuck.

Neo-Druidism

Neo-Druidism (or Neo-Druidry if you want to be a prick about it) comes in three forms:
Fraternal
United Ancient Order of Druids is one example of the fraternal brotherhood following the seven precepts of Merlin. Honour truth, justice, faith, hope, love, benevolence, equity, integrity and obedience are the gist of it. 'United to assist' is their motto with goals of unity, peace and concord. According to their website they are neither a religious organization (but members must assert faith in the supreme power of the universe (God), brotherhood of man, and immortality of the soul), nor a political one (but must work in society to preserve the dignity of man and woman and in the community for better schools and must fight against oppression of thought and freedom). Hmm, maybe someone should explain to these guys what religious and/or political organizations do.
Spiritual
Groups such as The Ancient Druid Order have been around since the early 1700's in the States and Britain but currently there are many different orders kicking around. Mainly their purpose is to hang out dressed like douchebags and do things that neither Celtic nor Mesolithic Druids ever did, like be vegan or celebrate the summer solstice at Stonehenge.
Not pictured: Druids.
World of Warcraft Druids
There are definitely druids in this massive online game but when the staff here at Cracked was faced with deciphering the Druid Q&A section of their website we couldn't make head nor tails of what exactly was going on. With incoherent sentences such as "Cyclone, Feral Charge and running and hotting made druids frustratingly slippery." and "Every cat worth their salt will shift out to cast Rebirth or Innervate." we just gave up in frustration. After looking at the photos though, our frustration turned to fear.
Druids: Kicking your ass since the Stone Age...bitches.