George Lucas
George Lucas is the visionary director behind Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and American Graffiti. He is also Ewok-shit insane.
Just The Facts
- He's only directed 6 films in his entire career, yet he's arguably more famous than Mozart.
- Only three of them were good.
- But that's okay, because he can buy and sell your sorry ass fives times over, and writes golden checks for wish-granting blowjobs.
- Is the love-child of Alex Trebek and Santa Claus.
New Hope
George Lucas started off as a high-school slacker bouncing from auto racing to community college before attending USC film school. He dropped out of community college and is now worth $3 billion.
Stay in school, kids!
Lucas started off as something of a beatnik, and was very interested in fringe filmmaking. As the ring-leader in a posse of edgy film students called the dirty dozen, he ended up making nine short films with names so pretentious they'd make U2 blush.
If they hadn't long ago cauterized their shame receptors.
But eventually he grew tired of all that hippy shit, so Georgie got into the big time with a film called "THX 1138" (those initials sound familiar?) which is about:
"...a dystopian future in which a high level of control is exerted upon the populace through omnipresent, faceless, android police officers and mandatory, regulated use of special drugs to suppress emotion, including sexual desire."
It was critically panned at the time, despite being a pretty solid sci-fi flick. Rather than take his lumps and learn valuable lessons from the failure, Lucas blamed it all on the studio's attempts to make the film "marketable" and "coherent".
Strikes Back
Despite his monetary failure, the studios gave him another shot. Lucas put the sci-fi sexy on the back shelf for a bit and called on his auto racin' days to create the film "American Graffiti". Originally written on a dare from Francis Ford Coppola to make "a happy, normal movie," the plot was your classic post-high school pre-college romp flick. Keep in mind, at the time, this was still a pretty original concept. Also it had Suzanne Somers back when she was still bangable...
Actually, with the right lighting...
The Return
After unsuccessfully attempting to obtain the rights to Flash Gordon, Lucas went about writing another space movie.
Star Wars: One of the greatest treasures of American cinema. Lucas had toiled against studio skepticism, limited budget and creative impositions. He was so desperate to get his dream on film that he gave up his salary, opting instead to keep the merchandising rights. The studio execs laughed maniacally at their ingenious victory, and let the piddly little director have his fuck-all merchandising rights. No matter what you think of the man, the fact that every action figure and Jar Jar Binks pool toy is actually a big fuck you to his naysayers is pretty goddamn cool.
Suck it, studios.
Phantom
After directing Star Wars in 1977, Lucas inexplicably ceased directing for 22 years. But he was still a very busy man. Aside from building a merchandising empire, buying a huge ranch (the first step every rich guy takes towards becoming an irredeemable psychopath,) and jerking off into thousand dollar bills, he continued to work on movies in some capacity. In 1980-1981, he wrote/produced both Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back, which is still referred to by film critics as "the Lucas moneyshot".
He also started to look like Gordon Freeman.
His work over the next seven years (Return of the Jedi, Temple of Doom, Last Crusade) solidified his position as Nerd Pope and put him in the running for Geek Messiah. Finally in late 90's, when the world had almost forgotten that Lucas was even a director, George held a press conference to tell everyone the good news.
Attack
From 1999 to 2005, George Lucas came out with three prequels to the Star Wars trilogy. Directed, produced and largely written by Lucas, they promised to tell the origins of his universe - Darth Vader, the Clone Wars, the Empire - and set up the original films like fans had always wanted.
He totally succeeded! In the sense that he did indeed make three films.
Me-sa can be rallying point of hatred?
The first film, The Phantom Menace, debuted to extremely negative reactions. Rambling, overly indulgent, poorly written, and a little racist only begin to describe what amounted to an assault on the childhoods of Lucas' fanbase.
The second film, "Attack of the Clones", was also largely dismissed critically. Lucas had always been a very visual filmmaker, and it became clear that he had spent the better portion of the previous two and a half decades perfecting blue screen technology to avoid having to look at something nature produced ever again.
The third film, "Revenge of the Sith", was generally received more favorably than the previous two prequels, although many have pointed out that a slap in the face is also usually more favorable than a kick in the groin.
It's good, but can we add some Wompas in there, maybe a jive talking robot? Oh and make the nerd kick first.
Revenge
Oh, but Lucas had got a taste for ruining trilogies, and much like Vader, he wasn't strong enough to resist the dark side. He pulled Harrison Ford away from Calista Flockhart's jagged vagina, checked him out of the home on a day pass and raped his legacy right in the tailpipe, all for the benefit of Shia Lebouf's career.
George Lucas is straight crazy and he'll cut a bitch for no reason, we guess is what we're trying to say here.
The rebel filmmaker had finally gotten what he wanted: Total control. Thanks to his massive fortune and excellent track record, George stopped having to fight and compromise with his work. He stopped blowing executives in alleys to get the cash for just the effects he absolutely needed; he stopped debating and taking peer feedback; he stopped putting emphasis on characters because he couldn't afford the set-pieces, and with nobody to challenge his vision, retreated to his ranch alone to figure out how to sell more action figures first, more video games second, and make good movies somewhere in the high teens - just above prank-calling Ridley Scott, and right below splicing racist aliens into Casablanca.
But good god, the prequels are over. At least there is finally some peace...
God is dead.
Perhaps this article needs to be expanded as of late, not just for "Crystal Skull" but for "Red Tails" as well.
ReplyKeep an eye out for this Cracked list “Ten big-budget studio-backed all-black-cast movies that George Lucas forgot about while trying to create controversial buzz.”
Coming to America
Malcolm X
Friday
Life
Ali
Barbershop
Ray
Idlewild
Dreamgirls
Miracle at St. Anna
And according to RT, every single one of these films is better than “Red Tails” (even “Life”).
Perhaps this article needs to be expanded as of late, not just for "Crystal Skull" but for "Red Tails" as well.
ReplyKeep an eye out for this Cracked list “Ten big-budget studio-backed all-black-cast movies that George Lucas forgot about while trying to create controversial buzz.”
Coming to America
Malcolm X
Friday
Life
Ali
Barbershop
Ray
Idlewild
Dreamgirls
Miracle at St. Anna
And according to RT, every single one of these films is better than “Red Tails” (even “Life”).
I agree with Chuck Klosterman's take: New Hope is good (but wildly overrated), Empire is fantastic (but not for the reasons everybody thinks), Jedi is awful (although Lucas' late-'90s updates helped it greatly), and the prequels are severely underrated (because Star Wars movies are, at the end of the day, kids' movies; most of the people who flipped out about Jar Jar and stupid-looking CGI aliens were practically still in diapers when they saw the original trilogy, which is how they forgave the idiotic Threepio/R2D2 banter and the stupid-looking robots/aliens in the original trilogy, not to mention the relatively wooden acting and bad dialogue, but weren't willing to give the prequels even close to the same leeway).
ReplyTHX 1138 was a very interesting movie.
Replyit's not over. 3D remakes....
ReplyI still say American Graffiti is the best movie he ever made.
ReplyI get the feeling the Internet doesn't like Lucas. Nah, it's probably in my head.
ReplyWHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAAACE!?
ReplyWell, to be fair as bad as the prequels are, the "Clone Wars" 3d cartoon is far worse.
Replyand yet the clone wars 2d that was on cartoon network between attack and revenge was quite good. not a lot of story but beautifully told.
Maybe in the end Lucas is not as talented as he would like everyone to believe.
ReplyLucas is a good case of letting success get to your head.
ReplyI recently checked out Lucas' IMDb page, and the "quotes" section had this absolute gem:
Reply"I've worked hard enough and earned enough to fail for the rest of my life. And I'm gonna do it!!"
Kinda puts his career into perspective, doesn't it?
Every time I watch something with Shia Labouf in it, I wonder "why him?" Seriously, Goddammit!!! Megan Fox and Shia Labouf. I bet she turned down every b*****b request he put forth on set. It's not that he can't act, because acting is a very difficult thing if you want to be above b grade, but am I the only one who finds him interesting in the way that wallpaper is interesting when I'm high? Wait, wallpaper is awesome when I'm high. Yet, he is not.
ReplyI have good news, guys. Harrison Ford himself has been quoted as saying that "Crystal Skull" was horseshit, and that he wants to do another to make up for it. Keep your fingers crossed!
ReplySource: I dunno. It was on Ain't It Cool News awhile ago. Find it yourself.
"Jelperman, this is like the fifth site I've seen you drag your troll ass across in a bizarre defense of the prequels."
ReplyCan't take it, can you? Anyway, people are usually more discreet about cyberstalking than you are.
George Lucas is the greatest filmmaker of all time. Even the people who hate the man and his movies still pay to watch them.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYea except the ones that don't. The thing is, people who can't be bothered about his crap usually can't be bothered to complain about it, either. Or: Taking internet commenters to be representative of the population at large is the ultimate form of sampling bias.
Jelperman, this is like the fifth f*****g site I've seen you drag your troll ass over, and in each case it's the same couple talking points:
1. That Lucas is the best filmmaker ever, an opinion you seem to base only on box office returns, and you also ignore James Cameron because he'd beat Lucas even using your absurd definition of "best" as "commerically successful."
2. That disliking the prequels -- which most SW fans do, as well as a large portion of critics as determined by Rotten Tomatoes, including the majority of their Top Critics -- is at once unheardof, inexusable, and, most inexplicably, somehow similar to liking the song "Mambo #5."
3. You usually add that RedLetterMedia's lengthy, in-depth, humorous reviews of EpI and II, which lambast Lucas something awful, have no redeeming qualities.
Oh, and as a side note, people who hate Lucas's movies don't pay to see them. This is also true for people who hate anyone'd films; they don't spend money to go watch them. Unless they're crazy, like you seem to be. If you honestly think Lucas is the greatest filmmaker ever, then you, sir, are a very strange, disturbed, and unfortunate individual. Keep trying to spread the Gospel of Lucas buddy, no one's listening...
Jelperman, this is like the fifth site I've seen you drag your troll ass across in a bizarre defense of the prequels. And you always come back to the same couple points:
1. That Lucas is the best filmmaker ever, based solely on the fact that his movies made a lot of money, a statement that could be made just as easily about hacks like Michael Bay and James Cameron (the latter of whom has made even worse but even higher-grossing films).
2. That disliking the prequels, rather than a legitimate opinion -- and one held by most SW fans and a large portion of critics as determined by Rotten Tomatoes, as well as the majority of their Top Critics -- is petty, inexcusable, and, most inexplicably, somehow related to liking the song "Mambo #5."
Additionally, I've seen your comments on DailyKos, Mediaite, and HuffPost, and you are a completely intolerant fundamentalist a*****e who refuses to accept that there might POSSIBLY be people who think differently than himself without being racist. Get back to Daily Kos and leave Cracked to those of us with some humor left in us.
Now that my rage against this douche commentter has subsided for the time being, let me add: TRULY GLORIOUS ARTICLE SIR!
f*****g goddamn double post
Say what you will, but without TPM we wouldn't The Sith Academy. Hamster Death Gulp, anyone?
ReplyIn writing class we always found that constraints help you be more creative, not less.
ReplyAlso, it just goes to show what happens when you can skip all the regulatory checks to make a product. Same reason why people who self-publish books aren't taken as seriously as someone who's gone through the revision and editing process rigorously to please an editor and publishing house.
'That is gonna be f*****g impossible because she doesn't have a character!' Right on!
ReplyThose "redlettermedia" reviews of the Star Wars prequels (Episode 2 is 90 minutes) are better than the original films. Which, I guess, isn't saying much.
Reply