George Lucas

George Lucas is the visionary director behind Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and American Graffiti. He is also Ewok-shit insane.

Just The Facts

  1. He's only directed 6 films in his entire career, yet he's arguably more famous than Mozart.
  2. Only three of them were good.
  3. But that's okay, because he can buy and sell your sorry ass fives times over, and writes golden checks for wish-granting blowjobs.
  4. Is the love-child of Alex Trebek and Santa Claus.

New Hope

George Lucas started off as a high-school slacker bouncing from auto racing to community college before attending USC film school. He dropped out of community college and is now worth $3 billion.

Stay in school, kids!

Lucas started off as something of a beatnik, and was very interested in fringe filmmaking. As the ring-leader in a posse of edgy film students called the dirty dozen, he ended up making nine short films with names so pretentious they'd make U2 blush.

If they hadn't long ago cauterized their shame receptors.

But eventually he grew tired of all that hippy shit, so Georgie got into the big time with a film called "THX 1138" (those initials sound familiar?) which is about:

"...a dystopian future in which a high level of control is exerted upon the populace through omnipresent, faceless, android police officers and mandatory, regulated use of special drugs to suppress emotion, including sexual desire."

It was critically panned at the time, despite being a pretty solid sci-fi flick. Rather than take his lumps and learn valuable lessons from the failure, Lucas blamed it all on the studio's attempts to make the film "marketable" and "coherent".

Strikes Back

Despite his monetary failure, the studios gave him another shot. Lucas put the sci-fi sexy on the back shelf for a bit and called on his auto racin' days to create the film "American Graffiti". Originally written on a dare from Francis Ford Coppola to make "a happy, normal movie," the plot was your classic post-high school pre-college romp flick. Keep in mind, at the time, this was still a pretty original concept. Also it had Suzanne Somers back when she was still bangable...

Actually, with the right lighting...

The Return

After unsuccessfully attempting to obtain the rights to Flash Gordon, Lucas went about writing another space movie.

Star Wars, bitch.

Star Wars: One of the greatest treasures of American cinema. Lucas had toiled against studio skepticism, limited budget and creative impositions. He was so desperate to get his dream on film that he gave up his salary, opting instead to keep the merchandising rights. The studio execs laughed maniacally at their ingenious victory, and let the piddly little director have his fuck-all merchandising rights. No matter what you think of the man, the fact that every action figure and Jar Jar Binks pool toy is actually a big fuck you to his naysayers is pretty goddamn cool.

Suck it, studios.

Phantom

After directing Star Wars in 1977, Lucas inexplicably ceased directing for 22 years. But he was still a very busy man. Aside from building a merchandising empire, buying a huge ranch (the first step every rich guy takes towards becoming an irredeemable psychopath,) and jerking off into thousand dollar bills, he continued to work on movies in some capacity. In 1980-1981, he wrote/produced both Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back, which is still referred to by film critics as "the Lucas moneyshot".

He also started to look like Gordon Freeman.

His work over the next seven years (Return of the Jedi, Temple of Doom, Last Crusade) solidified his position as Nerd Pope and put him in the running for Geek Messiah. Finally in late 90's, when the world had almost forgotten that Lucas was even a director, George held a press conference to tell everyone the good news.

Attack

From 1999 to 2005, George Lucas came out with three prequels to the Star Wars trilogy. Directed, produced and largely written by Lucas, they promised to tell the origins of his universe - Darth Vader, the Clone Wars, the Empire - and set up the original films like fans had always wanted.

He totally succeeded! In the sense that he did indeed make three films.

Me-sa can be rallying point of hatred?

The first film, The Phantom Menace, debuted to extremely negative reactions. Rambling, overly indulgent, poorly written, and a little racist only begin to describe what amounted to an assault on the childhoods of Lucas' fanbase.

The second film, "Attack of the Clones", was also largely dismissed critically. Lucas had always been a very visual filmmaker, and it became clear that he had spent the better portion of the previous two and a half decades perfecting blue screen technology to avoid having to look at something nature produced ever again.

The third film, "Revenge of the Sith", was generally received more favorably than the previous two prequels, although many have pointed out that a slap in the face is also usually more favorable than a kick in the groin.

It's good, but can we add some Wompas in there, maybe a jive talking robot? Oh and make the nerd kick first.

Revenge

Oh, but Lucas had got a taste for ruining trilogies, and much like Vader, he wasn't strong enough to resist the dark side. He pulled Harrison Ford away from Calista Flockhart's jagged vagina, checked him out of the home on a day pass and raped his legacy right in the tailpipe, all for the benefit of Shia Lebouf's career.

George Lucas is straight crazy and he'll cut a bitch for no reason, we guess is what we're trying to say here.

The rebel filmmaker had finally gotten what he wanted: Total control. Thanks to his massive fortune and excellent track record, George stopped having to fight and compromise with his work. He stopped blowing executives in alleys to get the cash for just the effects he absolutely needed; he stopped debating and taking peer feedback; he stopped putting emphasis on characters because he couldn't afford the set-pieces, and with nobody to challenge his vision, retreated to his ranch alone to figure out how to sell more action figures first, more video games second, and make good movies somewhere in the high teens - just above prank-calling Ridley Scott, and right below splicing racist aliens into Casablanca.

But good god, the prequels are over. At least there is finally some peace...

God is dead.