New Jersey

Despite being called "The Garden State," New Jersey is actually a desolate wasteland.

The lone wanderer passes through Newark, circa 2009.

While New Jersey has a wide variety of flower shops, it is key to note that all the flowers come from out of state, and that every flower shop is actually a front for the mob.

Because of this, the state flower is simply listed as "asphalt."

Guido

While most Guidos migrate from Long Island to New Jersey, a good deal of Guidos thrive in their natural habitat of northen New Jersey. These Guidos spend most of their lives living with their parents, greasing their hair, and applying insane amounts of tanning spray.

A healthy Guido has a skin tone somewhere between "orange" and "magma."

Aside from their appearance, Guidos can be identified from their behavioral traits. These traits include (but are not limited to) fist-pumping, obnoxious yelling, posing for photos, pointing at themselves and/or crotches, and doing that sideways peace sign thing.

All games of "rock paper scissors" between Guidos result in a tie.

White-Tailed Deer

To an outsider, Guidos are the worst part about New Jersey (aside from the radioctivity, smell, Camden, etc). To a New Jerseyite, White-Tailed Deer are a bigger pain in the ass than a case of super hemorrhoids.

Fuck you, deer.

New Jersey boasts a staggering 30 million deer per person. The pastimes of said deer are, getting hit by cars, running out into the street, staring blankly into headlights, charging blindly into traffic, becoming roadkill, and traumatizing any child who has watched Bambi.

A White-Tailed Deer greets a driver on the Turnpike.

Hey, New Jersey here. A lotta people are talkin' smack, and you know what? Fuck those guys. We got some of the best music this side of the east coast. Here's a little NJ music timeline.

That's right, Ol' Blue Eyes is a Jersey Boy. Suck it, everyone else.

When you go to the Jersey shore and put a conch shell to your ear, you don't hear the ocean. Instead, you get "BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!"

Fun fact: Jersey is the only state without an official state song. That's because state songs are for pussies. You know what our unofficial song is? "Born to Run." (Please ignore that "Born to Run" is a song about getting the hell out of New Jersey.)

The Misfits fused the guitars of The Ramones with the vocals and melody of old doo-wop groups and turned to old B-horror movies for lyrics and created an entirely new genre of punk that made The Misfits punk Gods among troubled suburban teens...

...at least until Danzig left, Only took over, and everything unique and awesome about the band's music was put through a wood chipper, leaving today's troubled suburban teens with a hollow shell of a great band.

But hey, you know what other NJ band is still around and hasn't changed much?

Yup. Bon Jovi...yup.

Look, he might be the flamboyant brother of Springsteen and his music may be Aerosmith without the balls, but he's not entirely terrible. He wrote a song about being a cowboy, that's cool, right?

Surely we have some more modern mu-

No. The Jonas Brothers don't count. They may have been raised here, but they represent New Jersey as much as Fred Phelps represents San Fransisco. Come back when you've penned a song about your experiences growing up in Jer-actually, don't do that. It'll probably just be a fruity cover of "Jersey Girl" or something.

Look, the years have been rough and we haven't gotten a lot of talented musicians in this economy. Most people don't even associate the Jonas Brothers with Jersey, and it's not like we produced a shitty band with an already annoying fanbase that has musical roots in Jers-

...

Okay, we're sorry. Just go away. We need to be alone for a while.

*sob*