Everyone knows Hilary Duff in one way or another, even if you're not sure that it's Hilary Duff.
Hilary Duff's first real media debut was her role as the main character in the Disney Channel show Lizzie McGuire, which was essentially a show about an average family of two parents, one teenage girl and one small boy, that followed their lives that were not too far above goddamn average. However the twist came in when you find out that Lizzie here is, in fact, batshit crazy. The show tries to add interest to itself by featuring a crudely drawn version of Duff that appears whenever shit goes down.
The frame freezes, and this little peice comes from off screen to offer a look into what Lizzie is thinking at that moment. Now this becomes increasingly unecassary as its not hard to figure out that if you leave Hilary Duff alone, something has got to go wrong.
Hilary got her first major film debut in the 2003 movie Agent Cody Banks in which she played the lead female role opposite to every pre-teen girl's average-looking heartthrob Frankie Muniz. Now im sure this seemed like a great idea since the producer's obviously did not realize that Muniz is not funny unless whatever youre making happens to be Malcolm in the Middle. Nevertheless, this film showcases Muniz as an average 15-year-old boy who, wait for it...is a mother fucking CIA special agent! Who wouldve seen that one coming?
Since then Duff has been in only two other movies that i feel are worth even mentioning, Cheaper By The Dozen and Cheaper By The Dozen 2. Now in case you live in a mile deep fucking cave with Bigfoot and what's left of Gary Busey, youve probably seen one of these movies at one time or another. In these movies Steve Martin stars as an incredibly virial man that thinks safe-sex means not actually choking your partner. Now you may ask yourself, how virial is he? Well, just virial enough to impregnate his unfortunate wife with TWELVE fucking children. Im thinking they should can his money shot and sell it for $29.99 at the sperm bank. Now as we all learned from high school biology, one of these children had to come out as Hilary Duff. Duff in particular plays the third oldest child in this family showcasing her talents at being, yet again, an average teenage girl. Throughout the movie Duff's parts consist of a medley of tantrums, walking-talks, and really goddamn surprised faces.
Now as if this weren't enough for all you Duff fans (or just middle-aged men watching Hilary Duff movies and twisting one off, hey i don't judge) they made a sequel. However, the high point of this movie was when it was announced, since when the first posters were announced they sported the tagline: This Christmas, It's War! sporting Steve Martin at a full-on sweatsuit duel stand-off with who else but Eugene Levy, also known for his stirring performance as the prophetic dad from American Pie.
His advice got me through High School...
With their eldest daughter pregnant and Hilary Duff moving to New York to go to college, Steve Martin throws the ultimate bitch fit and wisks his family away to one last family vacation. Their plans for frolicking in the snow kissed meadows are soon interrupted when Eugene Levy shows up and does what Eugene Levy does, promptly fucks up everything for everyone. Mainly Duff spends this movie complaining about being stuck in the snow, even though about this time New York is covered in about 6 fucking feet of not snow, but instead slush filled with dirty band-aids, empty starbucks cups, and (presumably) a shit-ton of AIDS. She also spends a fair amount of time slipping and falling in traditional white girl fashion.
Guess what just happened?
Basically, Hilary Duff is a decent actress that she amplifies exponentially with the fact that she is, admittedly, really fucking hot. Let's be honest people, this girl knows how to flaunt it, and she also probably knows that every creep in America wants to see it in their faces. But ill be nice for half a second and say that Cheaper By The Dozen was a pretty damn good movie, and now i feel dirty.
Now most of you probably also know that any female that has been on a Disney Channel show if required by law to put out a crappy album, and Hilary Duff was no exception. 2003 saw the release of her first full-length studio album, entitled "Metamorphosis". Being the dedicated Cracked poster that i am, i went and listened to this fine work of art, sarcasm fully intended. What i found was a compilation of sampled beat and Duff's pitched voice that didn't change from song to song, but the album wasnt a total loss. Track 7 of this peice of plastic is entitled 'The Math' in which Duff is, yet again, professing her love/hate for some guy that she could very well have gotten a nasty STD from. The chorus of this song is what i find intruiging:
"If you can't do the math
Then get out of the equation
I am calling you back
This is * 69"
Did you catch all of that? Not only does this make about as much sense as trying to french kiss a mountain lion, but Duff didnt even write this. It was written for her...by a TEAM of professional writers...who do this for a living...alledgedly. Four seperate people and thats what they came up with, i think i have a better addition to Duff's lyric writing team.
The best part is you can pay him in bananas!
As if this wasn't enough, she released not one but TWO more albums, which i dared not even listen to. Therefore i am forced to comment on them based solely on their wikipedia entries. In 2004, Duff started getting closer to what she meant with track titles such as 'Do You Want Me?', 'Dangerous To Know', 'Who's That Girl?', and 'Haters'. Which basically translates to You Want To Bang Me, I Have Issues, You'll Want To Forget Me, and If You Don't Forget You'll Flame Youtube For 4 Months With Gratuitous Hate Comments...respectively! Moving on, 2007 was the latest excursion into the magic that is Duffland! Basically, Dignity was her attempt at putting up a traditional "rose with thorns" persona, with such disturbing tracks as 'Burned', 'Play With Fire', 'Danger', and 'Gypsy Woman'...am i the only one seeing a pattern here? Alright fine, maybe im just insane, but when Hilary Duff is on the news for burning down an orphanage ill be laughing my ass off while youre down on your knees screaming to the heavens "WHY DIDN'T WE LISTEN!?"
As mentioned at the start, Duff has most recently been the star of yet another public service announcment advocating the abolishment of the use of the word 'gay' in the context of describing something dumb or stupid. Now if that isn't the gayest thing i've ever heard, what kind of gay executives thought such a gay commercial would actually stop kids from gayly calling things gay? I feel that Hilary Duff has completely failed me as an individual. Nevertheless, the jist of this commericial involved two teenage girls in a clothing store trying on clothes, one is white and one is asian. Now if youre thinking to yourself 'why does their race matter?' Well then youve obviously never seen Shrooms.
Which one do you think dies? Her or the white one?
Point is, asian girl asks whitey if she likes her pants, to which she responds "Oh no, those are totally gay", at which point Hilary Duff fucking jumps out from one of the clothing racks and precedes to drop some knowledge on their suburban asses, stating that 'You shouldn't say that!' To really solidify her point, she points out that the white girl's top that she was trying on is, in fact, a skirt and not a shirt at all! zing! 'Liek omgz Hilary Duff jus told me i wus wearin skrt 4 top i culdve died!!!!' Touche, surburban teenage white girl.
Anyone who has seen any goddamn thing with Hilary Duff in it knows that she has an attrocious habit of making some of the most god awful faces in the history of expressions, and here are a few of my favorites!
And last but not least, this is Hilary in the 2008 film War, Inc. She doesn't look stupid or anything, i just think it's important to include, i think youll agree.
Lucky goddamn scorpion...