Dildos

The real reason we have trouble getting our girlfriends out of bed in the morning.

Just The Facts

  1. A dildo is an artificial phallus used for stimulating any one of a person's smellier erogenous zones, for shocking or horrifying naive parents still in denial about your sexual maturity, or for slapping people across the face to great comedic effect.
  2. Archeologists have unearthed dildos dating back as far as 30,000 BC, providing historical evidence to counter any assertion that our current obsession with dongs is either unhealthy or unnatural.
  3. Dildos may be made out of just about any material, with one notable exception: a severed penis, no matter how well preserved or artfully decorated, will always be a fucking abomination.
  4. Recent polls suggest that more than 50% of women have used a dildo at some point in their lives, so chances are that if your mom doesn't currently have a dildo stashed away in some secret drawer, she's probably thrown out at least one in the past.

Dildos - Mankind's Greatest Historical Legacy

From the very beginning of human history, mankind has been obsessed with dongs. To our earliest ancestors, dongs weren't just inconvenient fistfuls of flesh that got in the way when wrestling saber tooth tigers. Instead, dongs were seen as powerful and mysterious entities. Dongs could bring rain to weary crops. Dongs could cure stubborn illnesses. Dongs could even make a chick's boobs get bigger and start squirting milk.

Unsurprisingly, early man's obsession with dongs went a little further than ours does today. Instead of just walking around talking about awesome dongs are, they demonstrated their love for dongs by creating cultures and religions that celebrated and worshipped dongs. They carved giant sculptures to show how awesome their dongs looked, they told stories about dragons and elusive white whales to metaphorically describe how big and powerful their dongs were, and they even invented long, swollen-headed weapons like arrows and spears so they could kill shit with their dongs, at least in some figurative sense.

At the same time, womankind has also been perpetually obsessed with dongs, but with one potentially notable difference. Whereas men have spent their time talking about how awesome dongs are, women have probably spent their time complaining about how much more awesome dongs could be. The historical evidence for this theory lays in the fact that in almost every major culture over the past 30,000 years, men have by-and-large banned womenkind from their dong-related activities (a trend still observable in many of today's surviving primitive cultures) and women have, in turn, owned dildos.

Continued...