LeBron James

Who is LeBron James? He's a basketball player. He stuffs balls through rims. And he's very good at it. To help you understand Lebron's abilities, we have provided a helpful checklist to clear up any confusion:

Just The Facts

  1. LeBron James is one of the best and most exciting players in the NBA today.
  2. His shoulder muscles alone score more points than the rest of his teammates combined.
  3. LeBron was the number one pick in the 2003 draft, ahead of other NBA superstars such as Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, and most famous of all, Darko Milicic.

Cracked on LeBron James

At 6'8" and 250lbs, LeBron James is one of the most physically dominant and talented players the league has ever seen. He has rewritten the rules on how to play, having filled nearly every position on the court imaginable. His knowledge of the game is second-to-none, and his court-vision is sublime. He has won numerous awards, holds many of the NBA's "youngest to- " records, and is generally really fucking awesome.

Fig. 1 - LeBron James being really fucking awesome

The Hype

LeBron James was born LeBron Raymone James on December 30, 1984 in Akron, Ohio, just down the I-77 from Cleveland. He played ball on the blacktops of his neighborhood, dominating the other kids at an early age. From the beginning, his flair and court vision caught the eyes of youth coaches across the city.

Though he bounced around from school to school during his early teens, he found his spot at St. Vincent-St. Mary Catholic High School. In his four years in high school, he led his team to 3 Division III titles. LeBron himself was named to the All-American team three times, awarded Ohio's Mr. Basketball prize three times, and was touted as an NBA-level prospect starting from grade 11. The hype was so tremendous that he signed a $90 million contract with Nike, amongst other massive endorsements without even playing a single NBA game. In essence, LeBron earned more as a teenager than you ever will over several lifetimes for simply having potential.

(Take a step back now and compare what you've accomplished in high school to LeBron's high school career. Feel free to weep. Because there's more.)

His personal achievements naturally created a halo effect for his team. The school had to move their practices from their gym to a bigger one at the University of Akron. Big games were played in large arenas to sell-out crowds that often consisted of NBA stars. The media swarmed all over him. In fact, he had his image plastered on the covers of ESPN Magazine and Sports Illustrated right around the same age you got your first reach-around.

If you think that's pompous, wait until you see the tattoo on his back.

LeBron was so prodigious that he turned down college completely because he felt it was a waste of time. Having flipped off the NCAA, he then petitioned the NBA to lower the minimum draft age from 18 to 17. Though the league refused, it gave LeBron a chance to further hone his skills. It also gave other NBA teams time to draw up contingency plans against LeBron's eventual offensive onslaught. So did those plans work?

The LeBron Years

Not really. After his first season, he won Rookie of the Year honours by a landslide after having posted an average of 20 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assists a game. To put that achievement into perspective, only two other players in the history of the NBA were able to post such numbers in their first years. The first was Oscar Robertson. See if you can guess the second guy.

(Hint: his name rhymes with Bichael Mordan)

Bichael Mordan: Shoe Salesman

As the seasons rolled by, LeBron went from "excellent" to "absolutely unfuckingstoppable". Teams threw everything at him: double-teams, triple-teams, hard fouls, bear traps, kitchen knives... you name it. And yet, he continued to dominate. His stats were every fantasy player's wet dream. The Cavs were on the up and up, evolving from division minnows to conference contenders. For once, the people of Cleveland had hope, something that was unheard of in a city that has literally the worst history in all of professional sports (see The Wrong Advices: Be Glad You Ain't From Cleveland).

LeBron's superstardom shot through the roof during the 2007 Eastern Conference Finals. The Cavs were down 0-2 versus perennial powerhouses Detroit. But LeBron was not going to take this lying down, and fought back in the next two games. In the pivotal game 5, LeBron went apeshit and scored 48 points, and moreover, he scored the Cavaliers' last 25 points in double-overtime, turning the series right around.. The Cavs then won game 6 and shockingly booked their tickets to the 2007 NBA Finals.

25 points in 10 minutes. He makes it look so damn easy.


It became clear that LeBron was the Cavs, for all intents and purposes; as such, the team's greatest strength was also the team's greatest weakness. This was glaringly evident in the aftermath of the upset of Detroit. Having unexpectedly reached the 2007 NBA Finals, the Cavs were embarrassingly swept by the San Antonio Sleeping Pills due to one simple reason: LeBron was stopped. That meant, rather than score by himself, he had to depend on his teammates, who quite frankly, aren't very good at basketball.

However, they are quite good at making other men feel insecure about their own masculinity.

This weakness was also was evident the year after, as the Cavs were chased home by Boston (henceforth known as "those fucking Celtics").

Exhibit A: Those fucking Celtics fans

Questions were raised if LeBron was capable of leading the Cavs, rather than just scoring all the points on their behalf. LeBron contemplated these cynicisms during the summer of 2008, thought they were all completely retarded, and came back to the 08-09 season with a vengeance. The Cavs steamrolled nearly every team they met, and finished with the league's best record of 66-16 (which is 4 wins better than those fucking Celtics).

Exhibit B: Those fucking Celtics fans, after finding out the Cavs are better

LeBron led the team in all 5 major statistical categories, and that's not even including most dunks, most posterizations, or most ridiculous first name that isn't "Zydrunas". As such, LeBron was given the league's MVP award for the first time in his career. And he wasn't done yet.

The Cavs swept the first two rounds of the 2009 Playoffs, winning each of the 8 games by no less than 10 points. Unfortunately, they lost to Orlando in the Eastern Conference Finals by 4 games to 2. However, LeBron didn't going to go down without a fight, as evidenced by his triple-double performance in game 4 and an ungodly buzzer-beating three-pointer in game 2.

So will he be back next year? You fucking bet.

The Future

As for LeBron winning a championship, it's not a matter of if, but when. And more significantly, where. Rumor has it that LeBron will test the free agent market after the 09-10 season and possibly sign with the New York Knicks. Of course, this is very unlikely, as the Cavs are successful whereas the Knicks haven't made the playoffs since about the late 17th century.

Yet, it looked like it was about to happen. After a disappointing 2010 playoffs with his incompetent crew of cronies, LeBron James decides that the best way to satisfy his desire to be like Jordan is to jump ship and join the Miami Heat. Because that's exactly what Jordan would do- oh wait.

So now that he's given up being the next great franchise player, his popularity faces an uncertain future. While fans in Miami may embrace him, all other fans from around the country who bought a "LeBron 23" jersey should send their paraphenalia to a Cleveland-area Goodwill store. This will be a good thing, as less-fortunate families will now have an opportunity to keep their houses warm for the winter.

Hey Ma! It's gettin' cold! Put another jersey on the fire, won't ya?