Cults

Cults are movements or religious sects that are considered unorthodox, wring, or extremist. Though there are many types of cults, sex cults are the most popular because, yeah... ('yeah' means sex)&&(n

Indiscriminate cult fucking is a world renowed tradition.

Kool-Aid man: a not so subtle mascot for cults

Just The Facts

  1. Cults are prevalent in countries that ride with the whole "freedom of speech" thing.
  2. Cults take advantage of people who fall on hard times. Hehe...HARD times.
  3. Cults are bad...very very bad.

Cultists and Cult Leaders

Cultists

Contrary to popular belief, people who join cults aren't crazy, deranged, asylum inmates, or mentally challenged gullible idiots who don't know dream from reality. They are just like you. They are normal in every way, they are as intelligent as you, and they live generally normal lives. Though there are a few exceptions, most cultists are just like you.

He'd make a cheap quip at Mel Gibson any day of the week but if you dare insult Xenu he will flip.

Normally, the chances of you joining a cult are slim at best, but...if you're depressed and still recovering from a horrible tragedy, maybe you'd give Ultima a chance. Cults take advantage of people who'd been through tragedy; that's the time when they're most vulnerable and easiest to manipulate. Most cults recruit their members during a low-point in life.

Life got you down, try Ultima!

Cult Leaders

Most cult leaders aren't crazy mumbling mentally insane nut jobs (at least they don't seem that way), but are actually calm, collective, cool, and charismatic. How else does a cult leader get so many gullible followers? If not for charisma, how else would Jim Jones persuade his followers to drink the literal and metaphorical Kool-Aid (other than jamming it down their throats, wish he...uh...probably did).

"How come the drink is blue when it says 'strawberry flavored'?"

"SHUT UP AND DRINK THE KOOL-AID!"

Famous Cults

Scientology

Started by L.Ron Hubbard as a legitimate religious movement in 1953. It is now the fastest growing religious movement in recent times (citation needed). Scientology is known for having PR almost as bad as the neo-nazi's, though their attempts to change their public image is hilarious. Its gonna take a long time before everyone forgets the whole "greedy cult" thing. Anonymous (Scientology's "worst nightmare") is just as lame, sadly.

Jonestown

Extremely famous, not for donating to charity or any of that boring shit, but for killing themselves... with tainted Kool-Aid (it was actually Flavor Aid, but shut up, I am right, and you are wrong). It was an alternative community in Guyana founded by Jim Jones. Jim Jones presumably died when they killed themselves, but since the only proof of that incident is his dead body, we are to presume he escaped and lated looted their bodies.

Sorry, ladies, I can't take autographs right now.

Manson Family

Jealous of Jonestown's success, the Charles Manson tried to do some even crazier, at least that's what Wikipedia said. Something about murder and and Helter Skelter, I don't really know...Wikipedia's article on Charles Manson is just way to big. He set up a quasi-commune that arose in California in the late 1960's or whatever. Is he like Marilyn Manson's dad or something? They look similar...he is a bad influence on children, so that's a similarity.

The Cult of Snuggie

Observe....(drum roll) The Cult of Snuggie! Beware the blanket with sleeves!

Is it merely an innocent blanket with sleeves? Or something worse lurks inside this innocent masquerade...Have we been foolish? We should have known, the only logical explanation is that the Snuggie...*gasp* turns you into cultists! Or not, but, the more logical answer is also the most boring.

Why Do people Establish Cults?

Cults have existed for as long as mankind had invented the idea of religion. They have been made and have thrived throughout the centuries and will continue to do so until we all die by the saving grace of Ultima himself (may he be praised until now and forever more, amen). But, you may ask, why do people establish cults?

1. For The Money

I can rent whatever I want!

Everyone loves money, and making some cheap cash is everyone's dreams (well, not my dreams). Though most people just quit and get a job, some people find the most creative and unusual ways of making money, which includes establishing a cult. Cults are easy money makers; just establish a rule saying, "give me money NOW" and your gullible followers will be handing you millions of dollars. Ain't money fraud just awesome? (Cracked Legal Department Notice: Money Fraud is not awesome)

2. For The Power

Who wouldn't want an army of mindless zombies at their disposal? Think of a situation that hasn't been improved by an army of zombies! Being a cult leader, you also control an army of zombies, except replace 'zombies' with 'enslaved followers'. You have an army of people who's faith in their "religion" is more than most Americans today.

3. For The Women

Who doesn't love women (other than women and gays)? Now with a cult, you can get all the poontang you want. Of course, you might be enslaving a few females here and there, and you'll now for sure that you'll go to hell for your sexual depravity, but, who cares!

Polygamy: The Gentleman's Poontang