Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe is a God awful musician from New Zealand. He sometimes moonlights as an Academy Award-winning actor.

Is it The Byrds? Is it Cobain? No, it's Cinderella Man!

Just The Facts

  1. He has been nominated for an Oscar three times, winning Best Actor once.
  2. Until 2005, he fronted a band called '30 Odd Foot of Grunts' (we're fairly sure theres's a joke to be made there, but our leading laughologers have yet to figure out exactly what it is).
  3. He once attempted to destroy a hotel employee with a telephone, most likely in a desperate attempt to prove he's a real rock star.

Acting Career

Russell Crowe has appeared numerous high-profile Hollywood productions. He often prepares tirelessly for his roles, showing an exemplary dedication to his craft. For example, for the 2009 picture State of Play, he gained a lot of weight in order to fit the part of world-weary journalist Cal McAffrey. Sources close to Crowe say he was taught how to achieve this stunning transformation on the set of his previous film, Body of Lies, by his morbidly obese co-star: Leonardo Dicaprio's Face.

His greatest cinematic success, however, is widely considered to be Ridley Scott's Gladiator. His permormance as Roman general Optimus Decimus Prime, opposite the one man who's actually managed to become more insane since he tried to bone his on-screen sister, won him his only Oscar to date.

"Incest is but the first step, my dears."

He'll next be seen starring in 2010's Robin Hood. Many wait with bated breath for the film's release, itching to see if Crowe can outshine the previous cinematic luminaries to have tackled the classic title role in recent years.

Now, now, kids. You both shat on the legend.


As we mentioned previously, Crowe's first forray into the world of showbiz was as a musician in the 1980s. Like most musicians in the 1980s, he had one stupid gimmick (50s rock 'n' roll), recorded one stupid song ('I Want to be Like Marlon Brando') and adopted a stupid stage name ('Rus le Roq') that was more suited to an Algerian sex trafficker.

And we all know what happens to them.

Again, like all 80s would-be musicians, 'Rus Le Roq' promptly fucked off. But out of his greasy, quiffed ashes rose something far, far more deadly.

Pictured: Something far, far more deadly.

Yes, Crowe gathered together what looks like most of the population of New Zealand and formed what would eventually become 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. There isn't a lot to say about this band really, other than that they've had zero critical and popular success, they're a typical example of 'Enormous Hollywood Ego Thinks He can do Music' Syndrome, and they sound like, well... just watch this if you really want to know.

It's not really surprising that Australian punk band Frenzel Rhomb released a song called 'Russell Crowe's Band', in which they hilariously describe 30 Odd Foot as "a fucking pile of shit". They can probably expect to be found dead, covered in suspiciously phone-shaped wounds some time in the near future.