Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a tremendous burden for those afflicted, an embarrassing pain in the ass for those closest to them... And an underdeveloped source of humor for the rest of us.

Just The Facts

  1. There are two components to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. "Obsessive" means they can't stop thinking crazy. "Compulsive" means they can't stop acting it out.
  2. OCD affects 2% of the population. That's 7 million opportunities for fun with mental illness.
  3. Hollywood understands how entertaining OCD can be. A search of IMDB.com returns no less than 75 titles where OCD is a plot element. (No data available for how many titles where OCD was a cast element.)
  4. Hollywood also employs plenty of folks with OCD.

Howie Mandel has written a book about it called "Here's the Deal - Don't Touch Me".

Don't buy Howie's book. Money's dirty - wouldn't want him to touch it.

Don't touch you? No problem, baldy. Don't touch my dirty money.

To appreciate the possiblities for humor in OCD, you need a basic understanding of the major categories. OCD is generally broken down into seven behavior sets. If you know their quirks, you'll know better how to manipulate them for your own amusement.

This is the creepiest fucking OCD PSA evah!

CHECKERS

Checkers are the folks who are convinced they've left something turned on that'll short out and burn up the entire planet. They check the stove, the iron, the electric blanket, the batteries in all the smoke alarms, the stove, the iron, the electric blanket... You get the idea. The easiest way to torment these folks is "The Clapper". Just sneak in while they're away and connect everything they check to clappers... then every time they complete the circuit, applaud!

WASHERS AND CLEANERS

Washers and cleaners can spend hours scrubbing their hands, the walls, strangers on the bus... They're the people you see using hankies to touch public surfaces and holding doors open with their asses. These folks are the easiest to fuck with. Just touch everything. Their walls, any shiny surfaces that'll pick up prints and smudges, everything. And for the best reaction, touch them!

You can also hire an OCD cleaning service. Help the handicapped - give 'em a job!

REPEATERS AND COUNTERS

Repeaters believe bad things will happen if they do not repeat certain ridiculous and embarrassing actions - like voting democrat. Counters... well, they count things. Duh. They count everything. The way to get under both their skins is to interrupt them. This means the repeaters have to start over and the counters lose count.

ORDERS

Orders are the people who comb rugs, straighten magazines, and literally lose sleep if there's a picture hanging cockeyed. (Heh. COCK-eyed.) These folks are easy pickin's. They notice (and flip right the hell out) if you add the slightest touch of chaos to their ordered, organized existence. Don't go overboard... Just rotate every knick-knack 45 degrees, put a spoon in with the forks, or take one of their CDs out of alphabetical order. You get the idea... something just enough to create a disturbance in the force, but small enough they have to search for what's out of true.

HOARDERS

Hoarders collect stuff - sometimes it's bottlecaps, sometimes it's garbage, sometimes its scores of starving, shit-encrusted animals. You can mess with hoarders by removing stuff from their mounds of junk if you have the stomach for it (or luring away their collected pets like a half-assed Pied Piper), but these particular loons are most useful if you have space problems of your own. Your typical hoarder doesn't know what the hell they have, so you can sneak your own stuff in alongside their collection for some temporary storage in a pinch.

Bob? BOB?! Oh, shit... call 911! I think I see a foot sticking out!

[Additionally, we here at Cracked believe the 900 Club and their enablers fall under this category. The fatasses collect calories, and their feeders collect... well... fatasses. How else to explain: 1.) A human who would eat enough food to crack 900 pounds on the scale; and 2.) A person who would not only stay with them long past the point of mobility, but actually bring them more food?!]

Mm-mmm, Jabba's collecting empty Twinkie wrappers under that blanket!

THINKING RITUALIZERS

Thinking ritualizers are a lot like repeaters, only lazy. They do all their repetitions in their mind. They shouldn't even be considered OCD. Obviously they're not committed enough to put in the effort. In fact, they're so boring and lazy they're not worth the effort to continue this para--

WORRIERS/PURE OBSESSIONALS

This group doesn't have any interesting tics or habits you can provoke. They dedicate their time and energy to negative thoughts and imagined horrors. They may be prone to religious obsessions, such as fear of demons... so if you do a passable Emily Rose impression you might be able to freak them out. Otherwise they're not worth the bother.

This is by no means a complete list. OCD also manifests phobias, superstitions and plenty of weird, socially unacceptable tics. The only mental illness that's more amusing is Tourette's Syndrome -- and nothing is funnier than a condition that makes you scream profanities and twitch! Best of all, many people with OCD fall under several or all of the categories. By making one good (crazy) friend, you can guarantee you'll never be bored again!

OCD is generally treated with medication and therapy. So if you get your friend treatment, they'll be constantly buzzed and talk too much. May we suggest the occasional slap upside the fuckin' head as a corrective measure, and skip the professional help. You'll ruin the fun.

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