Calling In Sick

According to the voicemail you left on your boss's phone, your fever was 101.3°F and you had toothaches in your nails. But as soon as you hung up the phone, all your illnesses melted away. It's time to boogie down on a sick day (oh, puns.).

7.30 AM.

3.42 PM After a long day in pajamas playing of World of Warcraft, you pass out. And so does your graphics card.

Just The Facts

  1. The cost of sick days off taken is now weighing down the Australian economy by more than $30 billion a year.
  2. "I've come down with a bad case of the flu" or "my grandma from out of town is going in for hip surgery" are plausable excuses.
  3. The cost of sick days is up to about $63 billion per year, according to a recent study released by the American College of Occupational and Environmental Medicine near Chicago in 2007.

Sick days are supposed to be for sick people.

Statistics will tell you that 23 percent of all days taken off are due to legitimate reasons.

According to an experiment done by the UK Office for National Statistics in 2005, men whose ages ranged from 16-24 were most likely to be off sick with 2.6 per cent of employees taking at least one day off work in the reference week because of sickness. Among women, those aged between 25-34 had the highest rate of absense (3.5 per cent).

Still, this doesn't tell us what happens with the other 77 percent of people who call in sick. Are they even sick? Not exactly. Some of them call in for more important reasons.

A "sick day" is usually just another term for a 'I-need-to-get-shit-done' day.

People in america seem to love to take off sick days for multiple reasons. One is that a large number of middle-class Americans get paid sick leave.

As stated in a study done in 2008 by the Families and Work Institute, a nonprofit research group that monitors the changing work force, 63 percent (of workers) received at least five paid days off per year for personal illness. However, this 63 percent is usually part of the 77 percent who are not sick when they call into work with the "sniffles".

So what are these people doing when they're not sitting at home getting better? Other shit. This is the second reason. Doing laundry, playing Call of Duty, and tending to more important matters such as family take higher priority than work. But playing Call of Duty is the only thing anyone ever remembers to do on a sick day.

An article published in the August 2009 issue of the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine clearly states that employees who feel that issues with home, financial, and family life are interfering with their work take more sick leave and take it more often than other workers.

So when your Cousin Susan bitches about how much her husband has been bothering her and you don't see her for a few days at the library, give her a break. She has different priorities than you. She also has better things to do than suggest bad romance novels to you on a weekly basis.

So what does one do on a 'sick' day?

On a legitimate sick day, most people sleep and watch TV quietly at home, letting glowing green misery glob from their noses.

On a 'sick' day, the day usually consists of the following:

1. A giant breakfast of cereal, coffee, and Hostess cupcakes.
2. A World of Warcraft and/or Call of Duty marathon
3. Loud music followed by half-naked dancing around the house
4. Loud singing to embarassing music
5. Going to the bathroom with the door open
6. Wearing your nastiest slobbiest clothes
7. Texting your friends while they're at work/school just to irritate them

If your child happens to be staying home 'sick' that day as well, the day usually consists of the following:

1. A giant breakfast of cereal, coffee, and hostess cupcakes.
2. A Super Smash Bros. BRAWL marathon
3. Loud music followed by bad dancing around the house
4. Loud singing to embarassing music
5. Going to the bathroom with the door open
6. Wearing your nastiest slobbiest clothes
7. Playing games such as Tag where Mommy or Daddy wouldn't usually let you.
8. Indoor blanket forts. Enough said.