Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag is what's known in America as a moron who loves licking penis.

LOL, she's a whore.

Just The Facts

  1. Heidi is a bitch.
  2. Heidi is known for being in the TV show The Hills.
  3. She married Spencer Pratt in November 2008. Proving that very stupid people are attracted to extremely stupid people.
  4. Heidi is an uber bitch.

The Hills

While attending the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, Hedi became friends with Lauren Conrad who, coincidentally, was getting her own "reality" show after being able to suck the most dicks in 3 minutes. Being the bitch-whore that she is, Heidi jumped at the chance of being on TV, but there was only one problem . . . SHE HAD TO READ! The conversation went a little something like this:

Heidi: I thought you said this was a reality show.

Lauren: It is, but this is a new type of reality show where you read from a script.

Heidi: Sweet, I love being original.

(Then they suck the director's dick)

Heidi eventually enrolled in the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising and dropped out claiming she, and I quote, "DID NOT FIND THE SCHOOL CHALLENGING". You know your school is moronic when Heidi Fuckin Montag says that it wasn't challenging enough! Later, in her fucked up thing she calls a career, Heidi was promoted to event planner at Bolthouse. Here is how this occured:

Boss: Heidi Im promoting you to event planner.

Heidi: But all I do is answer the phone, and sometimes I mistake the stapler for the phone, I talk for hours and no one answers back. That's how I know it's the stapler.

Boss: Bitch just shut up and leave so I can secretly hire someone to do your job behind your back.

(Heidi sucks boss's dick)

Heidi then started dating her co-star Spencer Pratt. They were perfect for each other considering they both have an extra chromosone. As part of their agreement with the show's producer the two promised to never pro-create. Once again, here's how the conversation went:

Producer: Spencer, Heidi, if you two are eventually going to date and get married, as it says in page 21 of next week's script, then you have to promise me that you'll never have children.

Spencer: It's cool bro, I dont even know where babies come from.

Heidi: From the stork silly. We have sex and then the stork comes and rapes me and makes a baby in my tummy.

Spencer: Babe you are so smart, I can't wait to make babies with you.

Producer: No, I said no babies.

Spencer: Fine, if Heidi can't have a baby then I will for her. I love you babe.

Heidi: I love you too.

(She sucks both their dicks)

Heidi: You know, I'm getting really tired of sucking everyone's dick.

Heidi hungry. Need penis now.

I'm A Huge Bitch . . . Put Me on TV!

In June 2009 Heidi and her husband Shitcer (did you see what I did there?) signed on to be contestants in the NBC reality show I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me out Of Here!. It was a step in a diffrent direction for Heidi because there was no script and no dicks to suck (If you haven't noticed yet, Heidi LOVES penises). During her time on the show Heidi and Spencer got into a number of shinanigans. First Heidi and Spencer try to leave the show on its first episode because, quoted from Spencer Pratt himself, "I am too rich and too famous for this". You know the world is coming to an end when God allows living breathing shit stains to make more money than you will ever see in your life. Spencer then yells at two black comedians for ripping the labels off of Heidi's hair products. Heidi got sad.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Some more shit happens like Spencer getting baptised in an AIDS infested river by Stephen Baldwin (I'm serious, this is too retarded to make up) and they threaten to leave multiple times until they finally do. After leaving they suddenly realized that if they're not on the show any more than they wont be talked about anymore. So the dinamic duo swepped into action to try and get back on. Using Heidi's penis blowing super power they were able to get back on the show. A nagotiation was made and the two were froced to spend 14 hours in a windowless chamber but with meals still being served. But, being the selffish douchebags that they are, they told the media they were tortured. Luckily the producers had common-sense, they kicked off Heidi and Spencer from the show and sent their asses straight to Guantanamo Bay!

Why did they close this place again?


Heidi lip synched her song "Body Language" during the Miss Universe 2009 pageant under an expected audience of ONE BILLION PEOPLE! Luckily it is globally agreed to be the worst thing ever allowed on television, so that means we won't see her anymore right? . . . right?