Skills You Need To Be A Poker Player

Can you wear sunglasses? If someone beats you, can you hurl insults at them like John Rocker hurled racial slurs? If your answer is yes, you're on your way to being the greaterest pokerest player ever.

Just The Facts

  1. Poker is a game involving playing cards and poker chips. The chips represent the currency of the game.
  2. The World Series of Poker is aired on ESPN.
  3. Poker is as much of a sport as chess is.


According to some websites, there are 4 skills that every poker player needs: the ability to do mathematics quickly, discipline, an understanding of basic psychology and a very good understanding of risk v. reward. Now all of those make basic sense.

In reality if clubs get added to hearts then people die. Horrbily.

Mathematics makes sense because you have to know the probabilities that exist on the table based on the cards that have flipped and the cards that you have being excluded from possible opponent hands. Discipline makes sense because all of us go All In anytime we have a pair, be it a pair of 2s or a pair of 5s, this strategy just doesn't work. The psychology question just relates to being able to read body language and facial expressions.

Fuck you cat. I fold.

For instance, if someone gets dealt in and subsequently starts braiding a noose and measuring their neck, chances are they're not too excited about what they got. Conversely, if someone gets dealt in and subsequently blushes, chances are he just popped wood because of how amazing his hand is, we're guessing he got like five 2s or something awesome like that. Lastly, risk v. reward makes a ton of sense because you have to, as the saying goes, "Know when to hold 'em and know when to be wearing one of those up your sleeve card holder things that someone has in all the old western movies." Again, when we call someones All in because we have 3 black cards and 3 red cards and a napkin that now resembles the face of Christ, its because we don't understand the basic concept of risk v. reward.

"All in jackasses. All motherfucking in."

All that being said, this information is everywhere you look on the internet and if everyone plays the same then no one is truly better than anyone else, some people would just be luckier than other people. So, with that in mind, we decided to tell you the REAL ways to become the most unbelievable and greateresting poker player you can be.

Get Sunglasses

I see them, I love them. But they need to be bigger.

So sunglasses are awesome, whether you're white or black, man or woman, young or old and whether its day or night [just ask Corey Hart]. But all the great poker players seems to exhibit such an ungodly ugliness to their face that other players literally turn away for fear of becoming that which they despise the most or they just wear sunglasses to cover their hideousness. Now we know what you're thinking. How do I know which sunglasses are for me though? Good question.

Well, do you feel shunned by the world due to your I've-been-fat-ever-since-i-can-remember-because-of-those-god-damned-Doritos-and-their-new-flavors-of-tastebud-joy-every-damn-5-months-and-now-I-just-try-to-look-funny-so-people-won't-make-fun-of-me-anymore-...-it's-a-disarming-technique-ism? If that's the case, the Lizard Eye Glasses dawned by a man who has coped with IBFESICRBOTGDDATNFOTJED5MANIJTTLFSPWMFOMA...IADT-ism [too long? too long] his entire life and still won the WSOP, Greg Raymer.

I raisssssssssssssssssssse.

Do you think you absolutely fucking rock? When you wake up in the morning do you pop wood for no other reason than you know sooner or later you're gonna be brushing your teeth in front of a mirror and you know that staring right back at you is going to be you and you wanna be ready for that moment? When you lose a game of anything, do you throw a fit and hurl insults all the while hoping and praying to Pleshadonhyrtme that no one cares enough to destroy that face of yours you love so much? If that's the case, then you should go with the traditional black on black sunglasses dawned by Phil Hellmuth.

Dude, if there were sunglasses on that, I'd totally use it for playing poker... oh! and serial killing.

Still not satisfied? If you're seriously considering playing poker, and you really want to be the best in the world, you might need to take it to the next step. What step is that you ask? Well we're going to tell you. People at the poker table say they wear sunglasses to prevent the other players from seeing their eyes and thus being able to read their tells. Well, we have the solution to prevent even more than that. Our Gorilla Mask sunglasses [patent pending]. Other players won't even be able to see you smile or frown or blink or stop breathing. It's a mask that is also sunglasses! We guarantee that if you wear this mask while playing poker, there is a 99% chance that you will win a hand at that table before and or after or during your lifetime if you play there often. Can you believe that? 99% chance! What do you have to lose? That's right, just your dignity.

Learning How to Shuffle Chips in Your Hand

The better question is "How do I care?"

Okay, so we all know that poker players are probably the coolest people on the universe and in the planet. But where do they get all that cool from? Easy gentlefolk, we have the answer. It's from shuffling poker chips around in their hand, duh!! How important is this to becoming the best poker player of the gaylaxy? Well, just ask Youtube naysayers. Youtube has roughly 14 trillion videos that will teach you how to shuffle chips like a "pro." We know, right!! AMAZ-ZING! How lucky are you that we wrote this for you? We know, we know, you're welcome.


But if you ever really want to be taken seriously, you can't be fumbling around with your chips like a one-armed monkey who has Parkinson's trying to imitate Michael Jackson by beating it. You have to be able to move your chips around, pay attention, move your chips around, in one hand, hey you, over here, listen up. You have to be able to move your chips around, in one hand and replace those chips back into the same stack. That's right, you have to be able to descontruct and then reconstruct your stacks, with one hand. Okay, you need a point of reference because that was confusing when that one guy wasn't paying attention. Umm, it would be like if I asked you to demolish a house and then I asked you to reconstruct that house you just demolished to the exact same specifications it was in, but this time I wanted the basement in the attic, attic on the ground level and the ground level to be below where the basement was, leaving an empty space for Futurama jokes to be inserted. Oh and I want you to do it with one hand. Those are the skills that pay the bills folks.

Good job. Now rebuild it. Hey... hey! One hand, jackass.

Learn How to Listen to Losers and Jackasses For Hours on End

Lastly and probably most importantly, at every poker table there has been since the existence of man, there has been at least one jackass and at least 5 losers. What is a loser? You see, even if you're just playing poker for fake money, the losers take the game super cereal, like Al Gore when he hears ManBearPig referenced. They'll talk shit everytime they think they have a good hand [which they inevitably don't] like they were Chuck Liddell and you were Tito Ortiz's butt plug. It's terribly annoying, but if you want to be the best, get ready to deal with this shit. Mike "The Mouth" Matusow is literally the biggest pile of douche/slit-hole in all galaxies known and unknown. What "sport" does he play? Fucking none. But he does play poker. He cries about "no one [being] as unlucky as [him]" or how he sometimes "plays the best poker of his life" but the whole time all he talks about is how poker "involves no skill" and is just pure "luck." The contradictions that come from a poker players mouth are a power that will be converted in the future into a gun that instantly liquidizes your brain. It's a theory at least.

Matusow as a child watching the Muppets annouce the letter of the day, "M." He expected "R."


If you can do these three simple things, you have a chance, nay, a great chance of being an amazing poker player. Oh yeah, and we almost forgot, it would also help if you:

  • didn't have a job
  • had a girlfriend/wife who is or was at one point in prison
  • cried at the end of Tom Hank's Castaway performance
  • want to play a sport and since this is on ESPN you think is classifies
  • drink heavily
  • smoke heavily
  • like to sit down for entire days at a time
  • don't like to move
  • want people to bring you your drinks and food so you don't have to move
  • like having your legs broken by people you owe money to
  • like owing people money
  • like selling your kidney on Craigslist
  • enjoy being dumped in a river by people you owe money to
  • chatting with friends in a seating restricted circle